Slap it up, flip it, rub it down

Young Mel sent me an e-card for my birthday, and had I not already chosen my epitaph, this might have been in the hunt. Still, a nice sentiment, non?

On an unrelated note, sometimes even a Godless heathen such as I am will see meaning and purpose where there is none. To wit, I've always felt like certain birds were my totems, and today did nothing to disavow me of this delusion. While I did a few perfunctory stretches before my noon-time run, a hummingbird flitted up to my front porch and availed itself of the Bacchanalian delights of my potted plants. Red salvia anyone? It was an orgy.That's not all. I'm back at work now, and as I walked from my car (thinking about blogging the hummingbird, natch), I was treated to the distinctive song of Ohio's State bird, the cardinal. I looked up, and perched atop the cupola that crowns this building, was a bright red male, warbling his heart out. So, yeah, not signs, not totems, just evidence of the bounty and beauty of nature, no matter how much that God-shaped hole in me sometimes yearns to be filled.

Bullet the blue sky

• It's my birthday today. The only reason I mention it is so that you may supplicate yourself before me and render unto me what is mine. You know, in lieu of gifts.
  
• I did a 14 mile training run on Sunday. Hellacious. The forecast was for 90s and humid, so I got up early and hit the road by 6AM. Still, it was a rough one. SULTRY! It'll get better. It will. Won't it? I'm still on track with my Chicago Marathon training program. 154 miles down, 621 to go.
• My yoga class resumed last night. 10 days off and my hamstrings are petrified? Despite my inclinations, I think that makes me a genetic top. Oh well, I may not be the most flexible gay on the block, but bow to my balance, bitches. My tree pose should be filmed for future generations.
• "Tree pose" reminds me of one of my favorite lines from a Flight of the Conchords song: You're so beautiful, you're like a tree.......or a high-class prostitute. That whole song makes me laugh and laugh. And those two Kiwis make me wanna drop my panties.
  

Thinner, cheaper, blah, blah, blah

Yeah, yeah, new iPhone, it's awesome or whatever, but can't someone get him out of that hideous mock turtleneck? Even if it FIT, no.

Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white tee

Cheyenne, sans chemise avec du lubrifiant.

::passes out::

via AfterElton

You're feenin' to blaze up and taste me

• The half-marathon went well. I was using it (with hope) as a long training run for the Chicago Marathon. I finished about six seconds faster than last year. Yes, 13.1 miles and my time was six seconds from last year, when I was in much better shape and about ten pounds lighter. Not sure what to take from that other than the run served its purpose. And I got to hang out with some of my favorite people in Ann Arbor. Oh, and eat at Zingerman's Roadhouse, which, if you haven't, remedy that if you're ever in town. If you're into deli food, or just good ol' American fare, especially breakfast, you'll thank me after. Their Dutch doughnuts are freakishly good. And if I tell you I ordered an omelette with, among other things, oysters, will you think less of me?
• My friends, both dear and far, old and young, will freely discuss their sexual perversions and deviations with me at the drop of a martini. I suppose it might be because I'm a good listener, or that I keep their confidence, but I suspect it's because I'm the token fag in my social circle and they figure if I'm in to putting my weiner in some dude's no-no hole, I'm down with anything. False. My ears can only handle so much pussy talk. If you talk about your Bahamian resort straighty daisy chain, I'll focus enough to animate my face, but my mind will have escaped to less graphically hetero pastures.
  
• It's fun to bemoan the status of customer service these days, but if you haven't served the customers, give it a try sometime, then get back to me. Folks have an astounding sense of entitlement. The customer is always right? Sorry, you "I got stuck at every light/behind a school bus" dickwads, they're not. Not here. Not automatically. First, be polite, on time, and reasonable, then we'll talk.
• If you're a Hillary Clinton supporter and now you're saying you'll vote for John McCain (or at least won't vote for Barack Obama), I'm not saying you're a racist, but.......OK, actually I am.
• OMB, Patti Lupone just sang Some People from Gypsy (the website rawks) on The View. Need. NOW. ::checks calendar::
• I sweated more while running three miles at lunch just now, than I did when running 13.1 on Sunday. As Grandma used to say, it is SULTRY, yo.
  

You will always be my boo

Granted, I was primed for this because I'm reading A Coop's memoir this week, but still, my socks? Charmed off. And Donna Brazile is teh sexay herself, no?

via Jossip

ADDED: While I'm sharing, I'll offer what's easily my favorite picture of the day.That's Beth Ditto and Sam Sparro at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards. Isn't she fierce? And I guess I mean both of them, but mainly Beth, who does everything balls out. You can check out a sample of Sam here.

Am I a repressed masochist?

I'm the first to admit I have a fascination with the knife edge between pleasure and pain, but let's face it, it's more in conversation than in practice. At least I think so. So why did I just click on a link for Clay Aiken Mooseknuckle Sighting?

Can someone hand me a towel?

Yeah, like I wasn't ass over teakettle crazy for Paul Rudd already. Literally. That's the position I often find myself in when thinking about him. Now he's available as a screensaver.
I've already downloaded him to my desktop, obvs. (Dirty!) Current mood: moistened.

OK, this is what's freaking me out

A Quinnipiac University Poll released on Thursday shows that Barack Obama trails John McCain in Ohio (by 5 points) and Florida. Hillary Clinton leads McCain in Ohio (by nine points), Florida and Pennsylvania. No one has been elected president since 1960 without taking two of those three states.

Wake me up before I go.......go.

My iPod was so extravagantly generous with me this morning as I undertook my morning ablutions that I feel the need to share my mpeg largesse. Of course I understand that this mix might not be to your taste, but neither is Ramon your iPod. So here is the Friday Random Ten- Will You Do My Back? Edition:

September In The Rain- Julie London
Lifetime- Maxwell
Superstar- Lauryn Hill
Love It When You Call- The Feeling
Invisible War- Julia Fordham
The Impossible Dream- Linda Eder
It Had To Be You- Tony Bennett
Solsbury Hill- Peter Gabriel
These are the Days- Jamie Cullum
High Time- Michael Penn

I think I did that in yoga last night

Dude is Colombian golfer Camilo Villegas. OK, yeah, I'm fond of his flexibility, but I'm not completely shallow. I like him for other reasons, too. He's ripped.His eyebrows are spectacular.And whether you like his style or not, he brings a much needed dose of fashion to golf.

ADDED: On a more personal note, as of today, my fat pants are loose, y'all. Also, my back is still sore from catching that geriatric in Panera. I'm supposed to run five miles at lunch with 5x2 minute pickups. Hmmmm. Only one more week until the half-marathon. I wonder if I should hold off?

UPDATE: The run went OK. At least my legs and back were good. Here's a tip for any runners out there (or anyone with some tight legs, I guess): get a foam roll and make it your best friend. I can't tell you how much it's helped my calves and hammies.

ADDED: I'm burying this nugget at the end of a post, so maybe not as many people will think less of me. Yeah, I know, I could just NOT say it at all. So, I've never told anyone this, but last year, my best childhood friend lost his mother (as in, she died, she wasn't misplaced). I hadn't seen or spoken with him in years, but after the viewing, we had some sexy time. No! Not right AT the funeral home, although there is another story. Remind me to tell you that one. Where was I? Oh, yeah, me and the bereaved had some dealings. Thing is, I'm not sure if I was providing solace (a pacifier, if you will), or taking advantage. Both? Here's where it gets worse. On Wednesday his dad died, and I gotta say I'm a little excited. See what I mean?

Surf genius

I picked up Outside magazine because my future husband, Anderson Cooper, is on the cover. The REALLY fascinating article, though, is about Garrett Lisi. He surfs, snowboards, lives in a van, and just may have re-written physics (or not, of course) with his theory of everything. Good stuff.

I've tried to make the rest of my life good enough that even if the physics theories don't work out, it wasn't a waste of time. Garrett Lisi

You know?

• On a good day, it's not that hard to pretend that I like people. Today is not a good day.
• It feels like I'm surrounded by robots. They talk too much and it's about robot things that I don't care for.
• I'm not kidding.
• Are people everywhere really dumb and irritating, or just the ones around me?
• I think I might be having an episode or something.
• I'll be drinking wine tonight, obvs. I wonder how many carbs/bottle?
  

Most of my life isn't real

What do you think of Sam Sparro? Me like. And not just because he can fill out a tuxedo.

That really hurt, Charlie. And it's still hurting.

I kinda hurt my back yesterday catching an old lady in Panera. She stumbled, and her arms started pinwheeling as she went down. I had to turn quickly and bend to catch her as her entire family looked on. She was old, really short, and bitch weighed at least as much as me. Thanking from the family was effusive, but how about a free lunch or something?

Feel how it quivers on the brink. What? Everything!

I'm just back from my Sunday long run, and I have to share this song. It's one of my favorites and when it came on around mile 5, it struck me that it's the perfect song to go along with the momentous decision made by the California Supreme Court this week. Plus, it's Sondheim, so you don't really need a reason or excuse to listen HERE and to be inspired. Turn it up!

If I could make a man he'd look a lot like you

Right? This dude is Haaz Sleiman and he is jaw-dropping gorgeous. If you don't agree, I challenge you to watch The Visitor, which I saw last night in beautiful downtown Dayton. See him playing drums in his underpants and then get back to me. Beautiful man.
I enjoyed the movie as well. It's about immigration in a post-9/11 world, but on a human scale. It's also a little bit "old man gets his groove back" and Richard Jenkins is fantastic in it. It's the kind of performance I love. So perfect and true and he doesn't act his ass off. Simple. You know?Oh, and besides the well told, non-propaganda-y immigration story, and the groove back story, there's a poignant love story thrown in. Hiam Abbass is magnetic.

Oh, good grief

When I was at the salon earlier, I happened to catch a glimpse of my client file on the computer monitor. I don't know how long I've been going there, but, dude, I've spent $1500 on haircuts. And that's not EVEN what gave me pause. That would be the $550 I've spent on pedicures. What all this means is that if we ever hook up, you totally need to GO DOWN on my feet and then tell me how fucking fantastic they are, thereby justifying my efforts with your tongue.

She's right. She wouldn't.

As if I would ever suck dick without getting my own dinner on first.

That line is from an email I received today and one of best things I've read in a long time.

Why do all of my dreams extend just around the riverbend?

How long have I been whinging about getting the fuck out of here? Yeah, as long as I've had this blog. Fuck. I got asked out twice this week and it's only Tuesday. By women. What am I still doing here? Why so fearful, bitch? Or is it complacency? Sloth? Gah! You're really tired of reading about this by now, aren't you? Time's wasting, Poca. Dream Giver ain't gonna wait forever. What? Doesn't everyone refer to themselves as Disney heroines in their head?

Hail yes!

• It was windy and cool and drizzling during my Sunday long run, but it wasn't until after 8.5 miles (1.5 to go!) that things got really interesting. I was feeling a little sluggish at that point, but the adrenaline kicked in when it suddenly got BLACK and lightning started flashing. I found another gear and tore home. With a half mile to go, the skies opened up (think downpour from LOST) and then a mighty wind pushed me the last few hundred meters. I was just onto my porch when the hail started. Exhilarating!
  
• The gas station a few blocks away just showed $4.46 for regular unleaded. People were lined up ten deep at the competing place down the street. Now it's down to $3.46. Wanna bet someone at the first place is in deep shit right now?
• If you employ a COMPLETELY different voice and demeanor on the phone, you're a tool and I wish you would go away. And if you don't stop referring to your co-workers as "lady" and "girly" and "chicky," I can't be responsible for my actions. And slow the fuck down, this ain't the ER.
  
• I finished Letter to a Christian Nation, and I'm on to some random fiction from the TO READ pile, so my anti-religion tone will probably become less strident now. FYI. More later.
  

Did you make mankind after we made you?

While believing strongly, without evidence, is considered a mark of madness or stupidity in any other area of our lives, faith in God still holds immense prestige in our society. Religion is the one area of discourse where it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about. It is telling that this aura of nobility extends only to those faiths that still have many subscribers. Anyone caught worshipping Poseidon, even at sea, will be thought insane.

Sam Harris, Letter to a Christian Nation

ADDED: If you really believe in the power of prayer to cure illness, why am I certain you'd never pray that your poor diabetic grandma will grow her foot back? You believe God will cure cancer or disease through prayer, so why does God hate amputees so much?

I like the way you move

I'm thinking of buying a MINI. Yay? Nay? Thoughts? Any of my tens of people out there have a MINI? Any regrets? Should a grown-ass man be driving such a wee car? I feel like it goes with the current "minimize my impact" wave I'm riding. And, yes, I know that wave is annoyingly au courant. It's hella fun to drive.

PS I'm bringing back "hella."

Before he speak his suit bespoke II

From this morning's news:

Thirty-three new recruits were sworn in as members of the Vatican's elite Swiss Guard on Tuesday. The Swiss Guard, founded in 1506, consists of 100 volunteers who must be male, Swiss, Catholic, single, at least 5-foot-8, and beardless.

They forgot "cut" and "into clergy," didn't they? Or does that go without saying?

ADDED: In other (belated) religious news, the Pope abolished Limbo, y'all! If I was one of those unbaptized dead babies, I'd be pissed. I waited all this time for nothing? A dead baby's time is important, too! Fuck.

You spilled kefir on your keffiyeh

I'm looking at a scar on a man's back when the following conversation ensues:

Me: So, how did you get shot?
GSW: Which time?
Me: Heh. Here on your back.
GSW: Oh, we was rabbit huntin' and my friend shot me in the back.
Me: An accident.
GSW: No. He was pissed off. I woulda shot him back, but I already had my rabbit.
Me: Ever been stabbed?
GSW: Just once. Here. (points to neck)

And, scene.

Before he speak his suit bespoke

I don't need to stick something in you or anything, but can we just make out a little?

Don't like his baggy jeans but I might like what's underneath them

Today feels like it's going to be a bullet point day. We'll see.

• Even after all these years, every time I hear Herb Alpert's Rise (which is often with this smooth jazz station playing at work), I think of Luke raping Laura.
• I know I live where I live and I shouldn't be surprised any more, but sometimes I still am. By what people wear, I mean. Like what possesses a 50 year old woman in 2008 to wear stirrup pants (in tomato) with SAS comfort loafers? Possibly since the shoes look like baked potatoes, she figured the tomato stirrups meant she was dressing all in the vegetable family.
• See Iron Man. You may not think you'd drop your panties for Robert Downey, Jr. Just wait.
• I didn't get up to much yesterday, but I did manage to do my 9.5 mile training run. 27 days until the Dexter-Ann Arbor Half Marathon, and then I'm trying not to think about how many days until the Chicago Marathon. All in good time.
• Oh, I also finally got to PRO status in Wii Tennis and Wii Bowling. I've only had it for a week, so don't judge!
• After a long, long break, I started Fitday again today. I don't need to lose weight, but I want to use it to track how my diet is breaking down, nutrient-wise. Speaking of weight, I've fluctuated wildly over the years, but last summer I got way too thin. Why didn't you tell me? Yesterday I was trying to find shorts that fit. One pair.
• I'm watching The Real World XX: Hollywood. You heard me. I ping pong between hating these people (each and every one) and being incredibly embarrassed for them. Why do I do this to myself? No, seriously, why? It's more than schadenfreude.
• Nineteen days ago I went to see Dermy. He diagnosed a couple spots on my face as actinic keratosis (which I kinda knew as I'd seen them before). They're precancerous and need to be removed. So he froze them and for the past 18 days I've been applying Efudex (thusly named, I believe, because its effects will say Eff U! to any chances of you getting laid) twice daily to my cheeks. I'm finally done! And now the healing, but until then, I look something like a macabre Raggedy Andy.
• Wear sunscreen!
  

Because the Bible tells me so

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things He does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, He has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where He will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time........ But He loves you!
George Carlin
OK, this drives me crazy. On the news yesterday they interviewed this man who was shot by a home intruder. He was OK, and he was all thankful because obviously God was watching over him. Dude. You got shot in the face. I think that was kind of lame of God. How about the bullet hits a lamp or something?Awwwwwww! So cute!

Pink magnolia, blushing and coy

It's the best day of the year, y'all. Sunny and 85, the daffodils and hyacinths are up. Trees are blooming everywhere. It's GAWJUS. I just pulled sheets off the line and made up my bed. It was all I could do not to immediately climb in and fall asleep. Is there any smell better than fresh line-dried linens? OK, maybe a man right out of the shower, but little else.

For the past 16 years or so, I owned one house or another. Normally this is a busy time of year, cleaning up garden beds, the first mowing of the yard, and general cleaning up from a long winter. That's been the way of things for a long time, until now. It's a strange feeling for me, with none of that to think about since selling my house last fall. I worked this morning, and then worked out at the gym after lunch. After that, I went for a 3 mile run, then stretched for a while. I went to the coffee shop and chatted up my bitches there whilst sipping on an iced mint tea. Now I'm gonna queue up the new stuff from The Weepies (PERFECT spring/summer soundtrack!), and sit outside. I think I'll prop my feet up and read.

Speaking of reading, I'm most of the way through The God Delusion. I'm really enjoying it. You get a good explanation of why the odds are great that there is no god, but it's presented in an accessible way, full of interesting quotes and humorous anecdotes. It's like blink (for infidels).

Then yoga tonight. I'm not bendy, but I'm getting there.

Nice day, huh? Still, it would have been even better with you along.

Oh fer chrissake. Here!

I know that Andrew has twice (at least) shown me how to insert a picture into the comments, but I don't want to know HOW to do it, I want someone at hand to do it for me. Anyway, here's the Amy Sedaris photo that I find Freakgirl-esque, unlike the one said FGirly herself suggested:

This is for your body, head to toe, head to toe

Last night at yoga a lady said that I looked just like Lance Armstrong so I embraced her. Too much?

I did WHAT now?

I'm just back from an 8.5. mile run. It felt good, mainly because the weather was MUCH more accommodating than last week. So what did I do? I registered for the Chicago Marathon. I know. Damn you, runner's high! Damn you all to hell. And if you're thinking that just because I registered doesn't mean that I have to run it, it was $110. I'm running it.

The mirror speaks, the reflection lies

Why are you like this?

I know I could just post the link to Rich's place and tell you to watch the video he put up.  Instead I'm copying it here, because I need it inside me, and putting it here is as close as I'll get.  The Wisdom of Angela Chase, lambs.  Clutch your pearls if you got 'em.

Have another Long Island Iced Tea! YAAAAAAY!!!!!

It's been a few days already since I saw Avenue Q, but I still can't look at the Bad Idea Bears without cracking up.

I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

I have a smidge of social anxiety disorder so this yoga class I have in a few minutes is suddenly freaking me out a little. At lunch when I was working out (yes, I lifted weights for 45 minutes today after running nearly 8 miles yesterday....it's almost summer, and none of my cute shorts are gonna fit), I inquired as to the attendance (six were signed up last week). Sixteen! "One other gentleman," I was informed. I'm not sure why I'm anxious. I guess that's why it's a disorder. Anyway, I'm sure it'll be fine. Right?

UPDATE: I'm back. And it was all very nice and relaxing. Although I'm not really a rank beginner, I'm new to taking a class, as were a few others, so the instructor really eased us into it. I like feeling advanced and gifted no matter what I'm doing, so I couldn't have asked for a better start. Well, I guess it wouldn't have hurt if the other gentleman had shown. And ladies, ladies, ladies, you knew you were going to be taking your socks off. Would it have killed you to tend to the dogs a bit before you showed up? I'm not suggesting you have a pedicure, but a little lotion? Some dusting powder? It smelled like someone opened a bag of Fritos in there.

Sweet merciful Zeus

The current issue of Men's Fitness brings us this photo of Jason Lewis.  With dog.  ::swoons::  And bare feet.  ::passes out cold::

It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed

• You guys, don't take this the wrong way, but I think I got it goin' on. Hear me out. Yesterday, I got cruised twice. Hard. And that never happens. Or at least not that I notice. Admittedly, the incidents occurred in what are possibly the two gayest places in Ohio, namely, intermission at Avenue Q, and the Macy's underwear department. But still. One of the guys was actually almost cute.
• I just followed a truck with a Confederate flag applique in the rear window and a pair of red bumper nuts below the trailer hitch. Won't someone help me?
• As mentioned above, I saw the touring production of Avenue Q in Columbus yesterday. I know, I know, SO 2004, but I adored it. Puppets cursing! Puppets copulating! Irresistible tunes performed by a winning cast! Gary Coleman! It all worked for me. And it warmed my heart that the Ohio audience erupted in applause when it was sung that George Bush is not forever, just for now. Yeah, yeah, I bought the soundtrack on the way home.
• On Friday I saw 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days. In quieter moments, I'm still haunted. It's one day in the life of a pair of college students. One long, harrowing day. How bad can it be? If one of them is seeking an illegal abortion in the latter days of Communist rule in Romania, pretty bad. The moments of tension and suspense and horror are magnified by the humanity of it all. These are people you know, placed in an impossible situation. It's riveting, but if you go, don't ask me.  I'm not ready.
• Did you know there's a Men's Locker group on Flickr? Meanwhile, my bills still aren't paid and the laundry isn't doing itself.
• I bought a whole set of pristine white towels when I moved and the lesson I learned was it's always good to pamper yourself a little. Just like Oprah and Nate suggest. The white towels have also taught me that sometimes your asshole isn't as clean as you thought. Not sure if Oprah and Nate talk about that.
• I'm getting ready to go out for a 6 mile run in a few minutes. The thing is, it just snowed! On April 13? I don't really feel like bundling up, but there's an urgency to my running schedule because I have it in my head that I'll run a fall marathon. Shhhh! You're the first to hear that. It's been nearly ten years since the last time I ran 26 miles at once. What am I thinking? Right now I'm SO FAR from the kind of shape I'll need to be in, but that's kind of the point.
  
• (Later that same day) When you know you're out of shape (you've just admitted as much on your blog), it's best not to head out due south (unseasonable cold winds come from the north!) for the first half of your run, then underestimate how far you've gone and be forced to run almost 4 miles back directly into a chill wind and accompanying steady rain.  Learn from my mistakes, eggs and bacon.  Hey, it didn't snow!
• I stripped my bed this morning, but didn't do laundry.  The spare sheets are in the linen closet.  Which is to say, not on the bed.  You see my dilemma.
• I start my yoga class tomorrow.  I've mostly done yoga alone or in the company of select intimates, so this will be a new experience.  Since I live where I do, it'll likely be me and a passel of suburban hausfraus.  I'm steeling myself for the untoward use of spandex.

To the Farrah-haired lady who works with me

No. No, in fact he is not just buying his time. Look it up.

If you've got a blacklist, I wanna be on it

I'm so tired of reading about Focus On The Family's opinion of everything. These people base their lives on some poorly translated Bronze Age text full of myths and legends and I'm supposed to care what they think? Why are all these news organizations clamoring for their opinion anyway? James Dobson can suck my bent dick.

Motherfucker is all NEGATIVE today, isn't he?

Don't lie, you thought it. In my defense, this morning I got an IRS notice that I owe them just under $8000 for 2006. Which I don't, but it's gonna be a pain in my hairy ass making them understand. Again.

Also, I sorely miss (no lie, it hurts) my sister and her kids. They were visiting all last week from Florida, and they left yesterday. My baby sister GETS me. You know? We laughed and laughed. And she doesn't talk all the time. Sigh.

Oh Good Lord

Rachael Ray's food is lowest common denominator (LCD) stuff, and she annoys the everlovin' crap out of me on her best day, but that doesn't mean I don't want her to look good.Isn't this bitch like a billionaire or something? She looks like she's been shopping at CeeCee's Closet. That's not a store. I'm talking about my 93 y.o. gramma's walk-in. I know she was doing charity work for a food bank and all, but shimmery opaque hose?

I should note that RR's cookware is good stuff for the price point.

I got your target right here

Starbucks has an insert in USA Today with a card that's good for a free tall cup of their new daily brew, Pike Place Roast. You can use it every Wednesday from now until May 28. Well worth $.75 for the paper if you hanker for the Starbucks experience.

Speaking of beloved (and hated) brands, Apple kindly suggested that I download their Safari browser along with the iTunes update. Who am I to argue? Maybe it's because I could barely tear myself away from Debby's MacBook AIR the other week (my preccciousssssss), but I'm enjoying the look and feel of Safari. Even more so on my PC with two everlovin' mouse buttons! What are the drawbacks?

I never said I wasn't highly suggestible. Bathe me in your brand, bitches. In fact, my forehead is available for your logo for a nominal fee.

I run a tidy bakery, the boys all want my cake for free

This is for my favorite Chicago medical professional, the Frontier Psychiatrist, and all of us who dance alone at home with jury-rigged wind machines. Enjoy!

You are now up to speed

All these places had their moments

Greetings from enchanting Vancouver! A few thoughts on my travel day as I begin my week-long sabbatical from the daily grind:

1. Never travel without personal video. I loaded up some movies and tv on my iPod and the five hours from Atlanta to Van were over in a snap. I usually read, which is probably better for me, but when I do that for hours on a plane, I invariably do that head-snapping falling asleep thing, which I think is not so good for me. PS? August Rush makes not a lick of sense, and still I cried. What I should have been crying about is that this movie is so manipulative and dumb, that I felt assaulted after. You should totally watch it.

2. The other item of note from the long flight is that the dude across the aisle was all that is good and right and true in a man. Not classically handsome, and you might not even find him attractive (except for his legs...not one of you has the power to resist his legs), but I wanted to use his body and head as a playground. Anyway, beyond small talk there was not much interaction, except all the smiling as we constantly made eye contact. And he was always standing up to stretch, so when I wasn't looking into his eyes, I was looking at the glorious mounds of his ass. Anyway, that was it. He was so totally out of my league, that I contented myself with dreamy admiration from afar. Funny thing is, we'd barely spoken, but had spent so much time nodding and smiling, that when we ran into each other again at customs, he a native, me a foreign visitor, I winked and waved. He laughed. This kind of sums up much of my life with men.

3. Debby, who's practically my sister, and totally one of my best friends and hag, got the iPod Touch AND the MacBook Air. I hate her sometimes. She also co-owns this 5,000 square foot home nestled in the Garibaldi mountains (Cascade range? I'll have to ask) with stunning views of Howe Sound, where I'm sitting as I type this.Despite my hate, trust that she and I will snuggle up in bed and watch Enchanted at some point.

4. I'm wearing my new glasses, and they are kind of big and plastic and dorky (just like me!). Seriously, I'm thinking of breaking them just so I can masking tape the bridge. I love 'em. Just kind of worried they're not gay enough. They're by Zegna, who I have no clue about.

5. So it looks like a shopping and wandering day today. Fourth Street in Vancouver has some places I love. Sophie's Cosmic Cafe, The Comics Shop, lululemon athletica, LUSH. Oh golly...I just got the tinglesack.

More later, and maybe I'll finally deflower that Flip video camera. Ta!

UPDATE: I was SO excited about taking little videos (see: I've mentioned it 4-5 times), but I just finished unpacking and the FLIP was either lost en route, or it's still sitting on the counter in my kitchen. BLARG.

You're my number one, number one, number one girrrrl

This makes my heart soar a little. Is there a Siriano Effect or is Andy Cohen always so en fuego?

Hey kittens! I fly out tomorrow for 10 days in that strange and exotic land we know as Canada. Vancouver, specifically. Eh. There'll be skiing, trail running, eating (lots of eating), drinking (lots of drinking), and whatever else I can think of. Oh, and shopping! And if I'm lucky, some curling up by the fire and reading, preferably while eating and drinking. And shopping.

One of my goals for the trip is to schlep around that Flip video camera that Santa brought, and record lil' snippets of my daily shenanigans. Or my ass. You choose. Wouldn't that be fun? We'll see.

The circle goes 'round and 'round, and the painted ponies go up and down

Can you believe that is Nathan Arizona, Jr. all growed up? Where does the time go, y'all? I kid. He's actually Nathan from The Real World Seattle, all silver foxy. Nice. Love the suit. He makes my tip sticky.

Get in if you want to live

It's not like I'm a single issue voter or anything, but I am proudly Pro-Robot. Still, I'll admit to being freaked out by Big Dog. He is BIG, and he moves exactly like a real animal (or insect).
Holy smokes.

via

I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Sometimes I feel like my life (the days, the hours) is about bouncing from stimulus to stimulus. How was that? Did it make me feel good? What's next?

Is that what it is, this life? If it is, is that OK? Enough? Am I missing something? Read this when you have a minute, and be stimulated. Then tell me if I'm missing something. Promise?

Ooo, eee, ooo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla, bing bang

When I moved last fall, I found an Easter palm underneath the boxsprings. A quick phone call revealed that, unbeknownst to me, Mom smuggles one of those frondy protective talismans into my house every year. Protects me when I lay me down to rest, apparently. That some voodoo shit, isn't it? "Didn't we put them BETWEEN the mattress and boxsprings when we were young?" I asked. "Yes," she replied, "but I knew you'd throw it away if you found it when you flip the mattress." Do you think she does burnt offerings while I'm at work when she visits? Catholics crazy.

I do remember being very excited as a kid when we'd take home that palm. Mostly because I'd get to parade around, waving it like a wand.

Right now the palm I'm most interested in is yours under my nuts. Esteban wants to feel your life line.

Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start.

Foundation garments can make or break my day. So when my t-shirt is a little heavy on the lycra, my underpants are from that "too skinny" phase last summer, and my socks aren't BLACK black, it's an inauspicious start.

At least they are all clean and in good repair, unlike some of that broke stuff y'all are wearing right now.

From my head to my toes, I need to be dazzling, I want to be Rainbow High!

A couple things:

1. Since I mentioned my 2-a-day Workout Plan, I thought I should give you an update. It lasted a day. I have done SOMETHING every day, though. Just not two things after that first day. I've been eating well, and lost about three pounds over the last few weeks. Sensible, right? My fat pants are loose, my regular pants are a little uncomfortable, and we won't discuss those white jeans I wore last summer.

2. Spa Day! It was just Haircut Day (honestly, that's a highlight for me as it is) a short while ago, but I just feel like I need it (Touch me! Touch me!) so I scheduled a mani-pedi as well. Also, the salon, along with the good folks at Aveda, offered a complimentary scalp exfoliation, and who am I to refuse? By the time I'm done, they'll have enough of my hair and skin to make another, slightly smaller me.

3. Hmmm. I guess that's it!

I've seen clouds from both sides now

My straight boyfriend Chuck sent me these this morning. I laughed and laughed. The best comedy springs from truth. If you haven't been here, you don't know.

I give you a few selections from IF STARS MOVED TO OHIO:

Jennifer Aniston:

Jessica Simpson:
Johnny Depp:
Nicole Kidman:
And my personal favorite, Pamela Anderson:

I totally work with her. Like, right now. If I show her this, do you think she'll get it?

Blarg!

Sometimes Apple is infuriating. Mostly I want to snorgle Apple and pet Apple and make Apple go squee, I'll admit, but then I think about their stupid batteries. I've had a Nano for a few years (OK, I don't rightly know how old it is...but not THAT old)(see left) and now it's unable to maintain a charge for any respectable amount of time. I'd just forget about it and chalk it up to a quirk of those crazy kids in Cupertino (I'd do that, not because I'm magnanimous, but because I also have the Shuffle to work out with) only I need a Nano for the Nike+ system to record my runs and upload them to the large and powerful web. Hence the BLARG. I have to charge it after EVERY run now. Do they replace batteries? Is it worth the hassle? Or should I suck it up and buy a new one? Any thoughts or suggestions will be appreciated.

To bust my body up, to drink out of your cup

I'm starting two-a-days today. I've been lax in my workouts this winter, and next week I'm heading out West to ski. Don't get me wrong, I'll be fine skiing, but I want to feel comfortable in my clothes for the apres stuff. And then there's the hot tubbing. That's PRIVATE hot tubbing with known accomplices only, natch. I don't cotton to some stranger's groin particles floating up to and around my face/mouth. So, yeah, I'm still going to eat enough and healthily but I'm working out twice/day until next Thursday. That means weights and running today. Yoga and running tomorrow. That's as far as I've gotten. (Gotten?)

Carry on.

Oh, and the fair Chaucer's Bitch has tagged me for some meme-y nonsense, for which I'm always game! I'm to grab a book at hand, and give you the first 4-5 sentences from page 123. Those numbers may be off a bit. Is that critical to the enjoyment? Hmmmm. I don't care.

"He didn't know why he had ordered everyone out," Klein remembers. "He believed it was ESP. He was serious. He thought he had ESP, and he felt that because of that ESP, he'd been protected throughout his career."

From blink

ADDED: One more thing! Remember that Flip video camera I got from Santa? It's been languishing in some corner of my electronics graveyard. Everything around here is just so relentlessly the SAME, that I haven't been inspired to use it. So my goal is to upload fascinating snippets from my trip next week. Like a modern version of the vacation slide show, because we all LOVE those, right?

Are you prepared to take a dive into the deep end of my head?

I know it's, like, so 2005, but I'm reading blink and loving it. I've just come from the Harvard site Gladwell links that has IATs (Implicit Association Tests). Fascinating! And disconcerting in some cases. As Gladwell and the Harvard site point out, our associations aren't revealing our true feelings, but do highlight how we are influenced by media and culture and upbringing and how these associations may influence us consciously or subconsciously. Even if you don't want to register, you can test to see how your opinions of the political candidates compare with your associations. If you have ten minutes, do it here and tell me how it goes.

And what you thought you lost was just mislaid

I may be 42, but my Brain Age is 28. Take that, bitches.

I'm actually surprised it's not 12.

Wish you were here

I'm off work this afternoon. The snow? It's here. Huge flakes and already everything is blanketed white. Am I already snugged in for the day? Well.....

1. I'm in an old, comfortable pair of faded out jeans and a powder blue cotton/cashmere v-neck that's so soft you want underwear made from it.

2. There's coffee on, a spicy, exotic blend from I don't remember where. What I do know is it's hot and black and mui sippable.

3. The new Goldfrapp is playing. Washing over me, rather.

4. The Aveda diffuser has me enveloped in the aromas of Madagascar.

5. I'm reading In Defense of Food, which may not sound terribly relaxing or cozy, but I'm enjoying it. And so far, no cognitive dissonance, because I've been eating from nature all week. Free-range chickens and milk from pastured cows who've never known antibiotics or growth hormones. My farts smell like grass.

So, yeah, I'm probably not going ANYWHERE. Grab your book and come sit with me.

Are we really happy here?

Are we so fucking bored around here that we have to whip ourselves into a frenzy over a goddamned snowstorm? Is it 1886? It hasn't even STARTED to snow. Not a flake. Yet the phone in my office is ringing non-stop. Appointments must be had before the WHITE DEATH arrives. I haven't seen for myself, but I'll bet my ass that the store shelves have been cleared of bread and milk. When's the last time you were trapped in your house for days and days because of snow? Yeah, most likely never.

If it's not mind-numbing boredom to blame, then it's the local news. The entire Channel 7 staff was jacking itself over the forecast at 5:00 AM today. I can't fault them too much. You can only report so many house fires and random shootings before you yearn for something new. And it's been over a year since that baby was microwaved.

Is it this way everywhere? When can I move South? Or West? Or anywhere but here?

It's a close call

It's in the blood: Anne Rice's new work is the second of four planned books chronicling the life of Jesus Christ. Christopher's novel is about gay love among Marines.*

Hmmmm, which to read? Which to read?

*from USA Today

A dream is a wish your heart makes

You know how I constantly pipedream about chucking it all and then spending my days stalking Hugh Jackman on Bondi Beach, right? Well, Jesse (of Jesse On The Brink fame) was at said beach, and he saw THIS. He's not helping.

But I look at your pants and I need a kiss

A little Hump Day math for you. Add it up. How many times did you listen to this over and over in the 80s? (And if you were an infant or unborn in the 80s, shut it)