Monday, April 28, 2008

Because the Bible tells me so

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things He does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, He has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where He will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time........ But He loves you!
George Carlin
OK, this drives me crazy. On the news yesterday they interviewed this man who was shot by a home intruder. He was OK, and he was all thankful because obviously God was watching over him. Dude. You got shot in the face. I think that was kind of lame of God. How about the bullet hits a lamp or something?Awwwwwww! So cute!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Pink magnolia, blushing and coy

It's the best day of the year, y'all. Sunny and 85, the daffodils and hyacinths are up. Trees are blooming everywhere. It's GAWJUS. I just pulled sheets off the line and made up my bed. It was all I could do not to immediately climb in and fall asleep. Is there any smell better than fresh line-dried linens? OK, maybe a man right out of the shower, but little else.

For the past 16 years or so, I owned one house or another. Normally this is a busy time of year, cleaning up garden beds, the first mowing of the yard, and general cleaning up from a long winter. That's been the way of things for a long time, until now. It's a strange feeling for me, with none of that to think about since selling my house last fall. I worked this morning, and then worked out at the gym after lunch. After that, I went for a 3 mile run, then stretched for a while. I went to the coffee shop and chatted up my bitches there whilst sipping on an iced mint tea. Now I'm gonna queue up the new stuff from The Weepies (PERFECT spring/summer soundtrack!), and sit outside. I think I'll prop my feet up and read.

Speaking of reading, I'm most of the way through The God Delusion. I'm really enjoying it. You get a good explanation of why the odds are great that there is no god, but it's presented in an accessible way, full of interesting quotes and humorous anecdotes. It's like blink (for infidels).

Then yoga tonight. I'm not bendy, but I'm getting there.

Nice day, huh? Still, it would have been even better with you along.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Oh fer chrissake. Here!

I know that Andrew has twice (at least) shown me how to insert a picture into the comments, but I don't want to know HOW to do it, I want someone at hand to do it for me. Anyway, here's the Amy Sedaris photo that I find Freakgirl-esque, unlike the one said FGirly herself suggested:

This is for your body, head to toe, head to toe

Last night at yoga a lady said that I looked just like Lance Armstrong so I embraced her. Too much?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I did WHAT now?

I'm just back from an 8.5. mile run. It felt good, mainly because the weather was MUCH more accommodating than last week. So what did I do? I registered for the Chicago Marathon. I know. Damn you, runner's high! Damn you all to hell. And if you're thinking that just because I registered doesn't mean that I have to run it, it was $110. I'm running it.

The mirror speaks, the reflection lies

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Why are you like this?

I know I could just post the link to Rich's place and tell you to watch the video he put up.  Instead I'm copying it here, because I need it inside me, and putting it here is as close as I'll get.  The Wisdom of Angela Chase, lambs.  Clutch your pearls if you got 'em.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Have another Long Island Iced Tea! YAAAAAAY!!!!!

It's been a few days already since I saw Avenue Q, but I still can't look at the Bad Idea Bears without cracking up.

I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

I have a smidge of social anxiety disorder so this yoga class I have in a few minutes is suddenly freaking me out a little. At lunch when I was working out (yes, I lifted weights for 45 minutes today after running nearly 8 miles's almost summer, and none of my cute shorts are gonna fit), I inquired as to the attendance (six were signed up last week). Sixteen! "One other gentleman," I was informed. I'm not sure why I'm anxious. I guess that's why it's a disorder. Anyway, I'm sure it'll be fine. Right?

UPDATE: I'm back. And it was all very nice and relaxing. Although I'm not really a rank beginner, I'm new to taking a class, as were a few others, so the instructor really eased us into it. I like feeling advanced and gifted no matter what I'm doing, so I couldn't have asked for a better start. Well, I guess it wouldn't have hurt if the other gentleman had shown. And ladies, ladies, ladies, you knew you were going to be taking your socks off. Would it have killed you to tend to the dogs a bit before you showed up? I'm not suggesting you have a pedicure, but a little lotion? Some dusting powder? It smelled like someone opened a bag of Fritos in there.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sweet merciful Zeus

The current issue of Men's Fitness brings us this photo of Jason Lewis.  With dog.  ::swoons::  And bare feet.  ::passes out cold::

It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed

  • You guys, don't take this the wrong way, but I think I got it goin' on. Hear me out. Yesterday, I got cruised twice. Hard. And that never happens. Or at least not that I notice. Admittedly, the incidents occurred in what are possibly the two gayest places in Ohio, namely, intermission at Avenue Q, and the Macy's underwear department. But still. One of the guys was actually almost cute.
  • I just followed a truck with a Confederate flag applique in the rear window and a pair of red bumper nuts below the trailer hitch. Won't someone help me?
  • As mentioned above, I saw the touring production of Avenue Q in Columbus yesterday. I know, I know, SO 2004, but I adored it. Puppets cursing! Puppets copulating! Irresistible tunes performed by a winning cast! Gary Coleman! It all worked for me. And it warmed my heart that the Ohio audience erupted in applause when it was sung that George Bush is not forever, just for now. Yeah, yeah, I bought the soundtrack on the way home.
  • On Friday I saw 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days. In quieter moments, I'm still haunted. It's one day in the life of a pair of college students. One long, harrowing day. How bad can it be? If one of them is seeking an illegal abortion in the latter days of Communist rule in Romania, pretty bad. The moments of tension and suspense and horror are magnified by the humanity of it all. These are people you know, placed in an impossible situation. It's riveting, but if you go, don't ask me.  I'm not ready.
  • Did you know there's a Men's Locker group on Flickr? Meanwhile, my bills still aren't paid and the laundry isn't doing itself.
  • I bought a whole set of pristine white towels when I moved and the lesson I learned was it's always good to pamper yourself a little. Just like Oprah and Nate suggest. The white towels have also taught me that sometimes your asshole isn't as clean as you thought. Not sure if Oprah and Nate talk about that.
  • I'm getting ready to go out for a 6 mile run in a few minutes. The thing is, it just snowed! On April 13? I don't really feel like bundling up, but there's an urgency to my running schedule because I have it in my head that I'll run a fall marathon. Shhhh! You're the first to hear that. It's been nearly ten years since the last time I ran 26 miles at once. What am I thinking? Right now I'm SO FAR from the kind of shape I'll need to be in, but that's kind of the point.
  • (Later that same day) When you know you're out of shape (you've just admitted as much on your blog), it's best not to head out due south (unseasonable cold winds come from the north!) for the first half of your run, then underestimate how far you've gone and be forced to run almost 4 miles back directly into a chill wind and accompanying steady rain.  Learn from my mistakes, eggs and bacon.  Hey, it didn't snow!
  • I stripped my bed this morning, but didn't do laundry.  The spare sheets are in the linen closet.  Which is to say, not on the bed.  You see my dilemma.
  • I start my yoga class tomorrow.  I've mostly done yoga alone or in the company of select intimates, so this will be a new experience.  Since I live where I do, it'll likely be me and a passel of suburban hausfraus.  I'm steeling myself for the untoward use of spandex.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

To the Farrah-haired lady who works with me

No. No, in fact he is not just buying his time. Look it up.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

If you've got a blacklist, I wanna be on it

I'm so tired of reading about Focus On The Family's opinion of everything. These people base their lives on some poorly translated Bronze Age text full of myths and legends and I'm supposed to care what they think? Why are all these news organizations clamoring for their opinion anyway? James Dobson can suck my bent dick.

Motherfucker is all NEGATIVE today, isn't he?

Don't lie, you thought it. In my defense, this morning I got an IRS notice that I owe them just under $8000 for 2006. Which I don't, but it's gonna be a pain in my hairy ass making them understand. Again.

Also, I sorely miss (no lie, it hurts) my sister and her kids. They were visiting all last week from Florida, and they left yesterday. My baby sister GETS me. You know? We laughed and laughed. And she doesn't talk all the time. Sigh.

Oh Good Lord

Rachael Ray's food is lowest common denominator (LCD) stuff, and she annoys the everlovin' crap out of me on her best day, but that doesn't mean I don't want her to look good.Isn't this bitch like a billionaire or something? She looks like she's been shopping at CeeCee's Closet. That's not a store. I'm talking about my 93 y.o. gramma's walk-in. I know she was doing charity work for a food bank and all, but shimmery opaque hose?

I should note that RR's cookware is good stuff for the price point.

I got your target right here

Starbucks has an insert in USA Today with a card that's good for a free tall cup of their new daily brew, Pike Place Roast. You can use it every Wednesday from now until May 28. Well worth $.75 for the paper if you hanker for the Starbucks experience.

Speaking of beloved (and hated) brands, Apple kindly suggested that I download their Safari browser along with the iTunes update. Who am I to argue? Maybe it's because I could barely tear myself away from Debby's MacBook AIR the other week (my preccciousssssss), but I'm enjoying the look and feel of Safari. Even more so on my PC with two everlovin' mouse buttons! What are the drawbacks?

I never said I wasn't highly suggestible. Bathe me in your brand, bitches. In fact, my forehead is available for your logo for a nominal fee.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

I run a tidy bakery, the boys all want my cake for free

This is for my favorite Chicago medical professional, the Frontier Psychiatrist, and all of us who dance alone at home with jury-rigged wind machines. Enjoy!