Monday, October 31, 2005

Cuz you'll get banked something sweet, Ice Cube and Da Lench Mob is jackin' for beats

Like Ice Cube and Da Lench Mob, this dude used to jack for beats. Only in his case, it was jackin' off. I used to watch. It's confession time once again here at Pipedreams and this will not be casting me in a good light. So why am I doing it? If you're reading this, you have a right to know what kinda perv you're dealing with, I figure. So there was this site I used to check out. Not regularly, mind you, but from time to time when I felt like hanging out with some freaks and gays to talk smack and laugh. Kind of like somewhere else we know. So there was this guy (pictured) who was kinda cool and he was all into hip-hop and a bit thug-like and, well, need I say more? The way the site (Flirt4Free) worked was you could chat someone up for nothin', but then if you slipped him some coin, he'd do pretty much what you asked, within reason. Like I said, this guy was kinda cool (oh, I know, he's wearing a fade in the picture, but otherwise!), so I'd privatize him occasionally. I can feel your pride in me from here. Wait, it gets worse. Most guys, when they were paying, would have the dude get naked and jack it, right? Well, when Malcolm up there saw that I was paying, he knew he'd have to pump and flex (he had great quads and good ass), possibly dance wearing only his leather jacket, and then tear shit up. You heard me. You know how brothas be wildin'? I'd have him rage and throw shit around. Once, a chair he threw bounced off a futon and back into his head. That's right, in essence I paid him to self-inflict a scalp lac, people. That was the best. Ummm, anyone still around? If you are, remind me to tell you about the guy on there who could wrap his foreskin around a Coke can.

Yo, I was born wif a rusty spoon as a moufpiece

Happy Halloween, guys! Care to be creeped out a little for the holiday? Check out my boi, Salad Fingers, and tell me what you think. He enjoys caressing rusty items. It's a flash thingy and there is audio with some suggestive moaning, like when he notices the doorbell is rustily begging to be fondled.

link via Dlisted

Sunday, October 30, 2005

If you wanna go and take a ride wit me

 If you wanna ride along, we'll have to move this shit outta the way, first. This is an unstaged snapshot of the passenger seat of my car, as it typically appears. Books, music, and snack items. My life in microcosm. Posted by Picasa

Friday, October 28, 2005

I don't feel very different, he said, I know it's strange

One of the things I like about my work is the occasion to listen to old folks. Yeah, I know, old folks are just you and me after we've been around longer. They can be assholes just like we can. They grew up in a different time, though, and they've learned lessons we've yet to grasp. One thing I like is, as a rule, the geriatric set don't think they are so busy. Gah, I get tired of people who only talk about how busy they are. This is life, folks. You own it. Prioritize. Run it. Don't let it run you. How annoying am I when I get preachy? Second great thing is old people don't think they're the center of everything. Kids then weren't raised under the mistaken impression that they and their every thought were so very fascinating. That generation talks, but they listen. P.S., listening is not just pausing until you get to say something again. I know there are those who feel I demand attention (Andrew), but I could listen all day to someone who knows how to tell a good story. My dear departed grandmother was that way. She had some great stories. She wasn't quick to tell them, but I knew how to get her going. God, I loved her something fierce. I'm talking about the tiny, sweet but tough Grandma. Not the portly, crabby one. She's still around. She actually does think the world revolves around her. Kinda blows my whole theory actually. Anyway, USA Today has a week long series on longevity and they've been interviewing people who are 100+ y.o. The old dude in the picture above had this to say about life: "I believe if you wake up, if you stand up, if you look around and know who you are and where you are, that's a good day." Is it that simple, folks?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

And the seasons, they go round and round, and the painted ponies go up and down

 Besides working, working out, getting groceries, and worrying about the well-being of the coffeehouse twink, I was also doing care and maintenance around my yard yesterday. For all you Southern Hemisphere bitches, it's fall and getting very cold here but fast. PS If you plan on going on and on about the heat you're having in December, just know I'll be showing up to smack you down. Don't make me come down there! Where was I? So as I was putting the patio furniture and grill into storage (I told you I was suburban!), I noticed this big ring in my lawn (check out the photo). It wasn't there last week. Curious. Is it a smaller cousin to the crop circle? Gee, are aliens probing me at night? That would explain a few things. So, coincidentally, I ran into a lawn guy at work today and asked him about it. I was amused but not surprised to learn that I have a fairy circle. You heard me. When he first said it I reflexively looked myself over wondering what he was talking about. So what are these things? He gave me some mumbo jumbo about an old long-gone tree decaying down there, causing a circle of increased nitrogen that was feeding the lawn in that shape. Online, I've found something about a circular fungus colony producing nitrogen to the same effect. I'd kinda like to believe I've been marked as a fairy by the fairies, as we all will be. You know, like my pipedream about all the gays turning purple overnight (well, violet...makes my blue eyes just DANCE). Wouldn't the world be a better place? Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

And I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine

I don't care what y'all say ::cough:: freakgirl! ::cough::, this guy is teh sexy. On a stick, homes.
If you care to see a few more shots of Matthew in various and sundry poses of exertion, scoot yourself over to D-Listed.

Whispering the wisdom and its purity

These bamboo wind chimes are right outside the little nook in my kitchen. Well, maybe it's not so much a nook as a den. Or an abbreviated hearth room? Whatever, it's very cozy. I can sit there and read while I'm cooking and when the breeze comes through and makes the woody clank and clap sound, it's like a wind off the sea in Japan. Not that I've been to Japan. Still, it's very nice. Posted by Picasa

One more cup of coffee for the road, one more cup of coffee 'fore I go

Work has been hella busy (can I still say 'hella'?) all month and today was no exception. Only I take off at noon on Wednesday, so I can't really complain. Six hours and I'm gone. I grabbed a quick bite for lunch, some broccoli and a nice piece of fish. You have to say that last bit with your best Yiddish accent. C'mon, play along. Then I was off to the gym. I worked out HARD muthafuckas. Damned if I think I can actually get those abs I'm shootin' for, but I'm gonna die tryin'. I'm doing a whole body weight workout, emphasizing the gay muscles (pecs and delts and bis), natch, three to four days a week and then running three to four days a week. Plus abs. I'm tired just thinking of it. I was tired on my way home from the gym, too, but I picked up my groceries anyway. Veggies, fruit, chicken, fish, bean curd.....I sound fun, don't I?

OK, here's where I'm gonna Tarantino this story a little (Dane Cook fans, holla!). Let's go back a little. Four of five years ago there was this boy in the neighborhood who took a shine to me. He was ten or eleven at the time. He was a bright kid. Funny, articulate, friendly and always polite with adults and interested in talking to them. You know, gay. So anyway, he was always talking to me when I was working outside, sometimes to the detriment of my getting anything accomplished. Nice kid, like I said, but he could go on. I enjoyed talking to him, but eventually I'd have to cut him short by going inside. Until he started following me in. Eventually, he even started letting himself in. Whether I was home or not. I worried about this, not because I thought he'd steal something or break something, but what would you think of a 30 y.o. single man who had a ten year old coming in and out of his house? Well, before I had a chance to worry too long, his dad was transferred to another city and they were gone. Now, back in the present, I saw him today when I stopped for a doppio at the coffee house near the grocery. The family's moved back. He's doubled in size, an awkward and shy teenager now, but I recognized him instantly. He's plenty gay, too, as I thought. He's not so talkative anymore. He looks around furtively. He stares, then he blushes. The difference? Sure, maybe he's just being a teenager, but I think also it's that now he knows he's gay. Probably knows I am. He looks kinda sad. I wanted to tell him it's OK. I wanted to tell him there's nothing wrong with him. I wanted to give him a hug and say, "Hey buddy, don't make the mistakes I did. You just be gay!" But I didn't. I chatted him up for a few minutes, took my espresso, and left.

When tomorrow comes, we'll be one of them

What goes together better than zombies and knitting, people? Yep, precious little. Head on over to Dawn of the Knitted Dead and check out the rest of the yarn-y ones who are after your brains.

So, Freakgirl, Maggie, if you were, you know, wondering what to get me for Chrismukkah, here you go.

::stage whispers:: Unless you are prepared to listen to those two go ON AND ON in their crazy knitty language, don't get them started, folks. ::end whisper::

Oooh, imagine a Knitted Dead Nativity Scene!
Gosh, I sure hope I'm right about this whole "no hell" thing.

link via TSFLIM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all

I think it's about time to ogle another of the boys from Slide, don't you? Meet Rusty.

photo by Kal Yee

Our house was our castle and our keep

Actual real estate is fixin' to be transacted over at freakgirl and at Confetti in the Wind. Folks be shoppin'. Me? I'm browsing. Rubbernecking. Like all the damn time. I laughed so hard this summer when my sister was visiting and I caught her at even though, like me, she ain't goin' nowhere. We really are two of a kind. Well, she's younger and prettier, but otherwise, identical. How many of you do this? I've house-hunted online in every major city in the US, not to mention the little hidden treasure towns, and hell, even the industrial wasteland shitholes (lofts go cheap there!). It's great fun and a fabulous waste of valuable time. One of the joints I went to check out in the flesh was this little jewel box not far from me with the fabulous backyard and alas, the toidy in the kitchen. Wha? Yep, just to the left of the fridge. You don't see it in the photo. Imagine that. So yeah, some of these places I just have to walk around. I don't make a total nuisance of myself. I only go if they have an open house. For instance, don't you love this kind of place? It's another pipedream of mine to live above my work, old European-stizz. Speaking of which, I have to get back to the whorehouse. Love all y'all! See how I acted like I'm not going to continue surfing around when I'm there?

Monday, October 24, 2005

I am just a simple man with simple expectations

  • It's only sleep bottoms I'm talking about here, but I am clawing myself with glee over the pair I found this weekend at the Target. I don't ask for much from what I sleep in (yeah, go ahead)(see, I can be the straight man sometimes). In winter, I like longs. Longs, but in a light fabric because I'm really warm-blooded and throw off a lot of heat in the sack. I like a drawstring waist so I can wear them either on the hips or low-slung with the tops of my ass cheeks peekin'. I like a fly, but a button-fly so I'm not floppin' out when the Scouts come callin' to sell something, but I'm free to unbutton for Larry, the UPS guy. Finally, and this is crucial, no pockets! Who the fuck needs pockets in bed? You carry your keys? A Swiss Army knife? A train schedule? What does it have in its pocketses? These meet all the criterion in a nice smooth poplin dyed in a jaunty 'espresso' stripe. For $13.99, bitches.
  • So Oprah really pushed her book club recommendation, A Million Little Pieces, on her show Friday. It's already been #1 on the bestseller's list since she picked it, but she really flogged it again. She even trotted out Nate's adorable ass to sing its praises. That did it for me. By Saturday when I was looking for it, ignoring the fact that I have a dozen books stacked on my nightstand, it was SOLD OUT, muthafuckas. Everywhere. Not at B&N, not at Borders, not at Target or Wal-Mart. Not even at fucking Kroger. This woman's power is astounding. Did you know that? Hee.
  • I was at my niece's fourth birthday party on Sunday. She's the one who had the heart procedure done last month. Doing awesome btw. She's a spitfire. My godchild. Bitch got more presents on one frigging birthday than I got my whole childhood. God bless her and I wouldn't begrudge her anything, but is this a good thing we're doing? Things, things, things, things. Please set me straight on this, but isn't it a bit out of hand, our consumerism?
  • I keep writing about The Power of Myth because I keep loving it. You know how some things just hit you at the right time in your life? Sometimes it seems like you are ready for something and then it's there. This book is that for me right now. Campbell and Moyers talk about leading an authentic life. A life that is accepting of our own personal nature and irrespective of norms or expectations. A life about conquering fear and following bliss. It's a lot more than that, but that is really something if one can do it, no?
  • Whilst driving about this weekend for various reasons (btw, if you are the lady in the PT Cruiser with the 'Jesus is my Co-Pilot' license holder, then bitch, you need to let Christ take the wheel, cuz you're a fucking road hazard), I was listening to the Sugababes. Isn't it the best thing when you come late to some awesome experience and then you have this backlog to explore with the wonder of your youth? Thanks, Max. I'm loving 'Freak Like Me' so much I wanna put it in my mouth.
  • Final driving note: It's almost 2006 , so isn't it time to get the W '04 stickers off already?

Life's too short for you to die, so grab yourself an alibi

I thought I shouldn't link so much to things I read on towleroad, but if it happens to be a video of a nekked Robbie Williams tweaking his nipples and shaking his dick at me (that's right,he's shaking it at ME, not you), you'll forgive me just this once (more), right? No, seriously. There's nipple tweaking. And dick shaking. And of course cheeky smirking. I heart Robbie's John Thomas.

Mario Testino portrait of Robbie Williams

I'm blue, da ba dee, da ba die

Holy smurf, it's come to this. Take the test. See which smurf you are! It's been a long day. I'm Brainy. I was sure I'd be Smurfette. Or maybe Vanity. Color me surprised. I mean smurfy, color me smurfy.

link via that hot bitch Michael K at D-Listed

Sunday, October 23, 2005

In your eyes, the light, the heat

I checked out a matinee of A History of Violence yesterday. I loved everything about this movie. First, the cast is amazing. Maria Bello and Viggo Mortenson, as a married couple who go about their workaday lives but still burn and yearn, are spot on. Their son is played by Ashton Holmes. I've never seen this kid before. If he's not a break-out star already from this performance, give it a minute. Oh, and Ed Harris is in it. No surprise, he's smashing. The story is set in a small town in Indiana just like the one that spawned yours truly. You'll find family and love and life and danger and possibly important secrets. My hometown didn't have much of that. We did have a Tasty-Freeze, though. You oughta check this joint out, seriously. It's got a noirish vibe to it, but the sex and violence is decidedly modern. You may also see Viggo's ass (grrrrr). Sold?

Added: They showed a trailer for Memoirs of a Geisha that I hadn't seen before. This is gonna be hot. I'd sex Ken Watanabe. Who else LOVED this book?

PS On the way to the theater, I tossed my spent Crest Whitestrip out the car window and I've been feeling just terrible about it ever since.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Smiling faces, smiling faces, tell lies, and I got proof

I was in the shower just now listening to the Motown Remixed tunes, which ain't bad. What u want for $9.99? How much do we love Target? So, when Smiling Faces Sometimes came on, guess who came to mind? NOT my usual showering imagery by a longshot, but it's like they wrote it about him. Needless to say, no soap was dropped in this little mental tableau.

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces, tell lies and I got proof

Friday, October 21, 2005

Don't wanna judge nobody, don't wanna be judged

Apparently the folks on the Senate Judiciary Committee aren't hogwild about some of Harriet Miers' answers on her judiciary questionnaire. They've asked her to re-submit a few entries, deeming some of her previous responses "insufficient" and "insulting". Well, the boys at Pen15 were interested in seeing the original version to see what all the fuss is about. Here's a sample of what they may have found:
Q: What are your thoughts on abortion?
A: I am against abortion, except in cases of rape, incest, or chances the baby will be adopted by a couple of fags - except if one of the fags is that nice homo from Oprah's show. He's precious.
Isn't he, though? Such a cutie-pie, that Nate.

link via towleroad (again)

Home, where my music's playing, home, where my love lies waiting

The high school kids in Buffalo Grove, IL elected a Homecoming king and queen a few weeks back. A jock and a cheerleader. Big news, right? Well, she's the jock and he's the cheerleader and they are both openly gay. Warms my goddamned heart, people. Seriously, it touches me, specifically the part of me that was so scared all through high school. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time then and I had lots of friends and I was Most Likely this and Best that, but it was all premised on being very careful.

link via bent

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Every little thing that you say or do, I'm hung up, I'm hung up on you

I wasn't AS excited as many of the gay about Madonna's new album, Confessions on A Dance Floor, but after reading this reviewer from The Sun Online (UK) tripping all over herself with the mighty praising, I kinda am.

link via the long and winding towleroad

And some are grumblin' and some are wonderin', if this land's still made for you and me

Note to the producers of The Amazing Race: As any good hostess knows, you always invite a few gays and the kids stay at home. Specifically, for future renditions,



Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Space can be filled if you rise like my lumber, advance to the tune but don't do the hustle, shake-rattle-roll to my magic number

Seven, seven, seven! Sing a song about seven. How many is seven?
Once again I find myself following Andrew's lead (there are worse things) and meming myself shamelessly. Nay, proudly.

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. Live somewhere that feels like home (dubbed Pipefreak).
2. Shtup the UPS guy in the back of his big, brown truck, bending him over a large delivery.
3. Run another marathon or do an ultra-marathon or Ironman.
4. Go back to Italy-- ski the Alps and hold hands with Andrew in Venice. Also, see all the other places on my list like Australia and New Zealand and China and Turkey and ......
5. Astral project.
6. Get Punk'd.
7. Find someone who feels like home.

7 Things I Can't Do
1. Throw a good spiral.
2. Watch NASCAR.
3. Abide bigotry. Or gum chewing.
4. Drive 55.
5. Deny my nieces and nephews anything.
6. Go very long without touching myself .
7. Feign the gay voice.

7 Things That Attract Me To You
1. Bright eyes.
2. Hot mouth, acid tongue.
3. You make me laugh and you laugh often yourself.
4. You smell awesome, and sometimes kinda reek, but it's still awesome.
5. Tightness.
6. Independence.
7. You wear it well.

7 Things I Say Most Often
1. Put that away, Mary, before someone loses an eye.
2. Be good.
3. Good morning, Sunshine!
4. You should have that lanced.
5. No kidding?
6. Take it to the bank.
7. Umm, is it in yet?

7 Celebrity Crushes
1. CNN's Anderson Cooper.
2. Academy Award winning actress and lesbian single mother of two, Jodi Foster.
3. The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore (the 'Mike Wallace' of meteorology).
4. The multi-faceted (and still alive) Dick Gautier.
5. Lost's Ian Somerhalder.
6. Phil (most especially QuizzicalPhil).
7. Regis.

The chores, THE STORES, fresh air, TIMES SQUARE

the Esteban jockey Posted by Picasa

A while back I posted a picture of some perennial grasses from a little corner of my garden. My compadre, Andrew, expressed surprise at how rural mi casa is. "No moreso than I, dude," was my thought at the time. How did I end up here? I think back and I can't recall my train of thought. It doesn't make any sense to Mike's Brain 2005 that I would settle into a fairly rural, very conservative community to build my business. It was probably familiarity that did it, but I'm not sure. I grew up in a community like this, but that was back when I was still bangin' cheerleaders (alas, the lifted and not the lifters). It just doesn't add up for me now.

I'm reflecting on this now because of the day I had. After I finished a brief, but hectic work schedule in the morning, I had my afternoon free. Well, I worked out hard at the gym first, natch, but then free. Well, free, but in truth I've also saddled myself with a large house, a large yard and copious landscaping to maintain. Fall is well upon us here in Central Bumfuck, Ohio, so I am now a slave to the outside maintenance. Before I go on, I must admit it was a GORGEOUS and unseasonably warm autumn day. Picture me in a sport shorts and sleeveless T combo. What's that? Yes, in certain venues I can still pull it off . ((Bitch)). Instead of lawn mowing, though, I should be rollerblading and checking out hot urban guys (h.u.g.). Instead of weeding, I should be reading and catching rays in some park while checking out h.u.g. Instead of cutting down perennials, I should be sitting at some sidewalk coffee shop, sipping an espresso, blogging and checking out h.u.g. Instead, I'm cutting the damned grass while breeders and their spawn, and Golden Retrievers, frolic about the 'hood. As if the Furies are at work to further bedevil me, I am then invaded, not by h.u.g., but by these Japanese beetle lady bug looking things. Do y'all have these? I have thousands of them landing all over me, climbing into my shirt and shorts. I'm normally amenable to invasion by something Asian, but he should be a lot bigger and he should definitely not be a lady. To add final insult to injury, some farmer in the vicinity starts spreading chicken manure. You heard me. Wanna know what that smells like? Just imagine the dankest, mustiest corner of some really old dude's cellar. Got it? Now imagine that he's let 250,000 chickens shit in there for about six months. Now stir that with a big stick. That's the smell.

So won't someone come and rescue me? I don't require much care and I have a talented mouth. Seriously, fuck Oliver, Lisa needs a penthouse view.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Slide, slide, slippity slide, I do what I do just to survive

I keep thinking I could tone down the gay on this blog. Then I just go ahead and post shit like this. There's this new photo book, Slide, by Kal Yee. Slide, according to the website, is "an energetic process developed by Kal to pull someone into the camera". OK. Not sure I get that, but it's hard to argue with the result.

Like Sam Cooke said, "Change is gonna come", nephew, and you better believe that

Somehow I missed Time magazine a few weeks ago when the cover article dealt with gay teens. I picked it up while on the bike at the gym during lunch. Interesting article, and this passage in particular caught my eye:
"Same-sex marriage--that's out there. But something going on in a more fierce and insidious way, under the radar, is what's happening in our schools," says Mathew Staver, president of Liberty Counsel, an influential conservative litigation group that earlier this year won a court order blocking a Montgomery County, Md., teachers' guide that disparaged Evangelicals for their views on gays. "They"--gay activists--"know if they make enough inroads into [schools], the same-sex-marriage battle will be moot."
Most gay activists would rather swallow glass than say Mat Staver was right about something, but they know that last year's big UCLA survey of college freshmen found that 57% favor same-sex marriage (only about 36% of all adults do). Even as adult activists bicker in court, young Americans--including many young conservatives--are becoming thoroughly, even nonchalantly, gay- positive. From young ages, straight kids are growing up with more openly bisexual, gay and sexually uncertain classmates.

Did any of you catch this article? Like Sam Cooke said....

I wanna be in this hoi polloi, so I'll be back for good someday, to make my life and make my way, but for today we'll wander and enjoy

I've written about dissatisfaction with my current work and living situation (a). OK, I've whined about it mostly. Are you going to quibble with me over semantics when I'm exposing myself to you? I've also mentioned my serious travel jonz (b). Well, what better way to deal with (a) than to escape it by wantonly satisfying (b)? Avoidance is my second favorite psychological defense mechanism after all, next to denial. Recently, events are conspiring to force my hand anyway. Who am I to resist the Furies? BTW, the Furies were conceived from the blood of Uranus. A little fun fact for ya.

First up may be a quick trip to NY next month. My beloved baby sister called to tell me her friend will be starring in a long-running Broadway play! She asked me if I would like to meet her in NY to see a musical. Have you heard a stupider question, guys? No, you haven't.

NY is awesome, I know, but if the chips fall right, it's the appetizer. Second up is the full frontal entree. I've written about my pseudo-family before. Remember the kindly band of wandering Jews? Well, the parents have decided to spend the winter in Australia and New Zealand. Just a lil' jaunt to the South(ern Hemisphere), God bless 'em. Well I hear tell they'd LOVE IT if I'd pop in on them for a spell. Again, what's a boy to do but comply?

Facts are that I'm a gainfully employed faggot of a certain age living in a low-rent district (read: rural county, no dependents), so I do have some disposable income. Just one of the untold bonuses of being a sodomite. However, I'm also considering a life-altering change that will severely alter the Engle economy, so if any of you have any tips for preserving my stash on these sojourns, speak up, brothas. There could be touristy chotchkes and/or brief sexual favors in it for ya. My pick.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Feed me, Seymour, feed me all night long, 'cause if you feed me, Seymour, I can grow up big and strong

It's product endorsement time again here at Pipedreams. Shouldn't I be makin' some ends from these? Anyway, I just got back from working out during lunch and I don't have much time (still squeezing in a blog post, natch) so I grabbed a pack of Smart Chili. Have y'all tried this stuff? It's from a company called LightLife and their food is all vegetarian and mostly organic. The chili is really delicious, not just quick, honest, but it does heat in the microwave in a scant two and a half minutes. For those of you on the metric scale, that's 2.5 minutes. It's got a healthy helping of protein and fiber. There's no fat. Just a little too much sodium, but Lord, whaddya want for next to nothing? Grab a handful of baby carrots (awww...they're so cute!) to go with and call it a lunch! Check it out, kids.

I have squandered my resistance, for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises

So, I went to see The Ten Tenors this weekend. I know what you're thinking. These guys are just a low rent knock-off of The Three Tenors. Well, I won't argue with you, but I'm nothing if not low rent, so perfect! Give me quantity over quality every time, G. The way I see it, ten tenors means I only paid fo.fitty per tenor. A bargain, yo. Besides, these guys are Australian (yum) and at least half of them are stone foxes. I'd hit eight of them. Why the discrepancy, you ask? I'm kinda slutty and not all that choosy. C'mon, haven't you been paying attention? I didn't love this show, but I liked it fine. Seriously, though, it's ten men with hot accents singing and dancing in tuxedos. How bad could it be? I think a better crowd would have helped. Tell me, who amongst you wouldn't stand up to dance when these boys busted into their Bee Gees medley? I tried to move it, but caved to the seated mob mentality after a minute. Or two. These guys did a cool rendition of Paul Simon's The Boxer, a song I love, which sent me back into my weekend 70's reverie that started with JT, and curiously, Dolly.
ADDED: You may think you've heard "really gay" before. You've hung out around here after all. Well, you haven't, til now. Check out The Ten Tenors link and click on the MP3's to hear the boys do their a capella take on "Dancing Queen".

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Smells like seven layers, that beaver eats Taco Bell

Now With More Beaver!
It's been months since I promised you more beaver shots. Finally I'm making good. Remember those lovely beavers that adorned Beavercreek, Ohio as it celebrated its twenty-fifth anniversary? If you've been around here for a while, you've seen the very gay construction worker beaver, but that only whetted your appetite for more, right? Before they were gone, your brave correspondent went on a beaver hunt so you could enjoy one more glimpse of a giant themed beaver. Unlike some of you, I haven't seen even a garden variety beaver in quite some time. P.S. I'm keeping it that way. These are all for you. Last week the beavers were auctioned off for charity. I did not attend. The craftsman who designed the beavers was on hand, however, and offered this tip to the highest bidders: "The best way to care for a beaver is to wax it regularly."
NOTE: The sign in the photo warns "Please do not touch or climb on beavers".
ADDED: Depicted above is "Pop Goes the Beaver".

Thursday, October 13, 2005

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

It's Yom Kippur, y'all! It's known as the day of atonement, but I was taught that "atone" would be more properly translated as "at one". Maybe the Jews are talking about being at one with the maker, but for me this is all about being at one with each other. Whatever you believe, it doesn't hurt to have a day as a marker like this. Reflect back on wrong and wipe the slate clean and look to the future. Promise yourself you'll do better. Maybe not great, but better. If you're like me and don't believe in any heavenly reward, you just do it because it's the right thing to do. I'd like it if my already written epitaph didn't end up a total fucking lie.
He kept trying. And he meant well.
So yeah. I'm a little maudlin today. We all have our emotional days, right? What? You're gonna get in my face now? I'll leave this mess with some JT lyrics that almost made me cry in the shower this morning. I like him alright, but growing up, my Mom loved her some Sweet Baby James, so his songs are like the soundtrack to my youth.

The sun shines on this funeral
The same as on a birth
The way it shines on everything
That happens here on Earth

We're all the same, people. All one. What? Are you gonna just stand there and not hold me?

Ain't ya got no gingerbread, ain't ya got no candy?

A few days ago, Freakgirl was talking about falling in love with Dolly Parton's cover of Shine. That's a good one. I'm not a Dolly Parton fanatic, but she does have a beautiful, crystalline voice. More than that, though, she's outrageous and I'm a fag. Do the math. Anyway, she has a new CD out that looks like it could be fabulous. Dolly loves some PEACE and she is covering songs that speak to that on Those Were the Days . Here's the track list:

1. Those Were The Days
2. Blowin' In The Wind
3. Where Have All The Flowers Gone
4. Twelfth Of Never
5. Where Do The Children Play
6. Me And Bobby McGee
7. Crimson And Clover
8. The Cruel War
9. Turn, Turn, Turn
10. If I Were A Carpenter
11. Both Sides Now
12. Imagine

I don't know about you, but I think this shit sounds hot. I'm downloading some of it and I'll let you know. Dolly has a short interview in this week's Entertainment Weekly. She's asked about some young men at her concerts who sport "What Would Dolly Do" t-shirts and the interviewer wonders whether she's surprised by her gay following. Dolly says, "Well, no. I'm very honored. I think they just know that I accept everybody as they are....And they're a bit flamboyant for the most part, and so am I. They relate to the gaudiness." Love her.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout

Who would have thought, on an Oprah show featuring Nate Berkus and Ricky Martin, that I would be most charmed by the creature sandwiched between them, namely Reese Witherspoon? She's a beautiful, sweet and typically Southern girl with a good head on her shoulders, it seems. This only reinforced my previous yen to check out Walk The Line.

Take your shirt off, twist it round yo head, spin it like a helicopter

Andrew was recently waxing rhapsodic (and rightly so) about the splendor that is Brodie Holland, Australian Rules Footballer. ::gulp:: Well, over at Bent, there's a link to a lil' photo montage complete with backing music, of Brodes (that's what I call him) and some of his league mates in various stages of undress. You might wanna check it out. If you're into that kinda thang.

link is a video with sound

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

It's only in uncertainty that we're naked and alive

I've been reading the same book for months now. I don't usually dawdle, but this book is full of wisdom-y nuggets that I'm savoring. It's The Power of Myth. Have you read it? Basically, it's an edited transcript of interviews Bill Moyers conducted with Joseph Campbell, the renowned expert on mythology, for a PBS series. I never saw the show, but this book has me transfixed. I never fully realized how some basic ancient myths underpin and predate all the major religions, spanning vastly different cultures, expansive geographic areas and immense stretches of time. How do these strikingly similar myth stories spring up in different cultures and locations around the world in ancient times when there was no connection between them? No conventional connection, anyway. Must there be some very basic font in our humanity, or maybe our genes, that these stories spring from? Garden of Eden-style temptation stories, Cain and Abel-style hunter and gatherer stories, Christ-like sacrifice and resurrection stories, virgin birth stories, trinities...the list goes on. They all came along way before the Bible, cloaked in the guises of their individual places and time. Loving this book.

You're my guy, just what the doctor ordered, so sweet, you make my mouth water

Note to the editors of Men's Fitness magazine: If I want to see pictures of Carmen fucking Electra, I'll buy Maxim. Stick to the rippling eye candy, masculine variety.



But we got ten itchy fingers, one thing to declare, "When the monkey is high, you do not stare."

In case you missed it, one of the cornerstones of our country, that church and state be separate, is being chipped away by the arch-conservatives and their holy-rollin' jackhammers/jackasses. They've been pushing to further inculcate the youth by teaching intelligent design in our science classrooms. Never mind there isn't a lick of valid science to support it. There is an interesting article in USA Today which details some of the debate that rages on today, eerily unchanged since the time of Darwin. I have to admit I was shocked by a few things. I fancy myself a man of the people, but some of the people's opinions are just downright backward. I can say that, right? This is my shit here. I was most surprised by this poll question:

BIBLE VS. EVOLUTION Which statement comes closest to your views?

God created human beings in their present form exactly as described in the Bible
All: 53% Men: 45% Women: 60%
18-29: 54% 30-49: 50% 50-64: 50% 65 and older: 60%

Human beings have evolved over millions of years from other forms of life, and God guided this process.
All: 31% Men: 34% Women: 29%
18-29: 27% 30-49: 38% 50-64: 32% 65 and older: 20%

Human beings have evolved, but God had no part in the process.
All: 12% Men: 17% Women: 8%
18-29: 17% 30-49: 10% 50-64: 15% 65 and older: 11%

Here, I thought I was all in tune with the zeitgeist. Hangin' with Johnny Public. Not agreeing with him mostly, but knowing him. This floored me. Holy crap. Am I the cultural elite?

Sunday, October 09, 2005

In a world full of people only some want to fly

David and Nathaniel Posted by Picasa
Nathaniel: You hang on to your pain like it means something. Like it's worth something. Well, let me tell ya, it's not worth shit. Let it go. Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine.
David: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Nathaniel: What do you think? You can do anything ya lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?
David: It can't be so simple.
Nathaniel: What if it is?

I just finished the fourth season of Six Feet Under. Not the best season, but still, there's some really good shit in there.

Help's your sex I can smell

Do you check out the celebrity playlists on iTunes? I sniff around every once in a while. Jared Leto's is interesting. He's kind of a hot piece, isn't he? You might enjoy his line about why he likes The Cure's Fascination Street:

Atmospheric. Moody. Dark. Makes me want to put on
lipstick and fishnets. Enough said.

Can we really ask any more of a song?

(You need iTunes for that link to work)

Saturday, October 08, 2005

I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain, just singin', singin' in the rain

Let's play a game. Close your eyes. Go ahead. Now, imagine yourself sitting in a darkened theater. You've come to see a theatrical re-release of Chocolat. That was a good flick, wasn't it? Anyway, the previews of coming attractions are playing. Now usually you're popping some Junior Mints into your mouth, but instead of that, today, you drop acid. The resulting cinematic experience for you would look something like The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. I first heard of this movie over at Lots of Co. after Max caught it on tv. I saw that it was playing at a local arty theater near me, so I had to check it out. I'm not even sure what this movie is, but I loved it. It's French. Yay! All the dialogue is sung. Whee! It's not songs, though, just singing from start to finish. Umm. Have I lost you? Oh, and this film introduced a twenty year old Catherine Deneuve to the screen and she is simply stunning. Seriously. Besides all the singing, the director, Jacques Demy, uses candy colors splashed all over everything to make a whole other frothy alternate world that, if you're at all like me, you want to hang out in for at least a little while. I mean, it's so pretty and you get to sing all the time. In French, people. It's not wholly different from our world, though. There is real life going on in Cherbourg. There's love and love lost. You really should check this out for yourself. It's not for everyone, though, as I'm sure you've surmised. Anyone else love this? I've never seen any of Demy's films before. What should I sample next?

Added: If nothing else, it's a kick to hear the auto mechanic sing shit like, "The engine will still knock when it's cold, but that is normal!"

Pull out the stopper! Let's have a whopper! But get me to the church on time!

I mentioned yesterday that my head can at times be turned by a man in black (with a white collar). Couple that with the pictures of minimally clothed mens I've been posting lately and I figure I should at least mention that it's Porn Sunday this weekend. Nine Ohio churches have decided to participate. "A 29-year-old youth minister from California who created a ministry called XXX Church was in Akron Tuesday to help kick off the program. " That sounds like a congregation I'd have to consider. It's almost like I celebrate that mass already, really. Think there will be items available for purchase? So can you believe that it's twice now that I've considered confessional glory holes? Just this week.

Friday, October 07, 2005

When boys talk, they don't talk about politics

If you're like me, when you hear that Nate Berkus AND Ricky Martin are going to be on Oprah Monday, you're fixin' to record it. You also find your excitement funny, if you're like me.

What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?

I could get love drunk off that hump.
What? It's Friday and I'm all horned out. Fucking sue me.

picture via Bent

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Now it's two weeks later, I feel such a traitor. Oh, I let you in my backdoor...

I already copped to my mild penchant for the pious in a comment a few days back. Not so unusual, right? I think it stems from an old tennis buddy of mine. Does it skeeve you that he was way hotter to me in the cassock than on the court? Something about defiling the devout gets a rise out of me. Or maybe it's that sense of coiled potential energy that's straining for release. It's probably just my black soul. Anyway, as long as I'm listing predilections, shall we talk about the very generic but omnipresent lust for hot dads? DILFs. Yeah, I know. How banal. Trite don't make me any less sprung, though. I hope it's not too creepy that the dad above has his kids in tow. I never said this shit would be varnished, bitches.

Recently I had a run-in with an uber-DILF. I'd known the wife and SIX kids (he must shoot a rich mix) in a professional capacity for a few years, charming and attractive all, but I'd never met dad. I was expecting mom to be in the room, so when I looked up and this strapping mofo was standing there, I choked. Dudes, this brotha is part Falcon exclusive, part J. Crew model, and now part owner of my soul. 6'4", built, piercing eyes, huge hands and GREAT with his kids. The very next day I was shopping when someone big drapes his arm around my neck and shoulder, and in a scratchy voice that makes you shaky, offers me a tie that would look great with the shirt. It's him. And her. I'm usually easy with the chit-chat but all the blood was in the blush and in the bone, so who knows what I said. Think they knew which one I'd do with no hesitation and considerable guilt?

It don't matter what you wear, they're checkin' out your savoir faire

I'm not bicoastal, bilingual or bisexual (despite all those early forays into the field/folds), but now, thanks to freakgirl's kind invitation, I'm bi-URL (?). Well, at least a little bit. I'm one week into a tiny little segment called Phil's Phashion Corner, analyzing the attire of Phil Keoghan, our archbrowed hottie host of The Amazing Race. Go over to Too Much Free Time and check it out, but be warned (Andrew!) that spoilers are afoot if you live in backward hemispheres of belated tv. Max started this little Philworship, and I'm like Leno to his Carson, so I figure I have a week or two left before they politely decline my submission. Also, if you do read it, I ask that you not picture me as Carson Kressley. Or Cojo.

ADDED: I'm not ambidextrous, either, really. I do everything with my right hand, save one thing.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

They see us talking out both sides of our mouths, two-faced monsters aaawhhh.....

If I have to hear the phrase "legislate from the bench" so many times that my ears bleed and my brain spontaneously suppurates, then shouldn't it have to actually MEAN SOMETHING? It's only fair. During the Roberts nomination hearings, we were repeatedly told the one thing we should be concerned with when considering a nominee to the SCOTUS was whether they would uphold the Constitution while not attempting to legislate from the bench. So why are the conservatives, including Trent Lott, now questioning Bush's latest nominee, Harriet Miers? I'm not supporting or attacking her, but she seems to meet these basic criteria (read: talking points for the befuddled masses). These buffoons aren't even aspiring to any kind of consistency between their words and actions are they? How stupid do they think we are? Aren't they underestimating Johnny Public here? I'm beginning to think that's not possible. Go ahead. Call me arrogant.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

They had it coming all along, I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?

Can you believe it was ten years ago yesterday that the O.J. Simpson verdict came down? Sadly, it's one of those events where most people remember what they were doing when they heard. They estimate that 150 million people watched it live. I'll admit that I became slightly obsessed with this case. I invested way too much time in following it and way too much emotion in the outcome. The monstrous arrogance of that fucking piece of celebrity shit galled me. Sounds like it still galls me, huh? Those two folks who were just trying to live their lives have been dead for over ten years. People were paying O.J. for his autograph yesterday.
Frontline is profiling the case tonight at 9 EST, if you're interested. I can't watch.

The blue coat billy goats are crowdin' up my rearview

If you're like me, sometimes you have a nagging feeling that your underpants just aren't gay enough. Problem solved.

This link is via the always entertaining wingedman over at Confetti In The Wind. His bits always travel first class.

My sexy ass has got him in a new dimension, and I'm ready to do something to relieve this mission

OK, in case I didn't sell to the homos enough in that last post, I'm offering this fetching tableau for your viewing pleasure. Gentleman, meet Captain Tightpants.

PS Is this what a 'bender' feels like? It's nice.

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I ain't comin' back

Seriously, folks, if you haven't already done so, see Serenity. I saw it this weekend and I can honestly say it was one of the most completely satisfying cinematic experiences I've had in many years. I'll admit that I'm a huge fan of the short-lived tv program, Firefly, on which it is based. You don't have to be, though. I went with one of my best friends and he'd never heard of the series or the movie, but was up for it based on my enthusiasm. This guy is one of the coolest people I know, btw. He's a great friend and also like a second dad to me. No, I didn't say "daddy", pervs. Anyway, with no background or running commentary from me, he LOVED it as well. So, see it. You'll enjoy. What am I here for if not to steer you toward pleasurable media experiences? It's not like I have any ulterior motives. What? You question my intent? OK, OK, you got me. I don't care if you really watch it as long as you go to the box office and plunk down your nine bucks. We need to shore up those numbers from this weekend via word of mouth, people. Browncoats unite! This movie MUST HAVE SEQUELS. God I loved it so much. I'm tight in the throat just thinking about it again. It's the sensation usually reserved for viewing Falcon porn stars or really hot dads at the mall.

Hey, straight girls! There are mui hot men who are often cowed by very powerful women.
Hey, straight guys! It's sci fi. Lots of gun battles. There are stunning women and one of them does other women. For pay.
Hey, lesbians! See "hey, straight guys!" above.
And, as far as I can tell, all the fags are already seeing it.

Finally, busting my proto-nephew out of Chinese school proved as difficult as busting him out of a Turkish prison might have been. Heads up, ya'll, don't fuck with Taiwanese women. They will beat you down. So the boy saw it later with his dad, and I saw it with his dad's dad (still not my daddy). All of the above RAVED about it, muthafuckas.
Oh, I just thought of something. You know that deep, gnawing emptiness you've felt after watching the last three episodes of Star Wars? Serenity makes that all better. For those of you who just corrected me in your heads, noting that technically those were the first three Star Wars episodes? Dude, get over it.
Just see this movie already and thank me later.

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane

This is the first ever birth announcement at Pipedreams, but we don't get a new superhero every damn day, right? Welcome to our world, Kal-el Coppola. All my best to the Cages!
I know many of you will think it's crazy or cruel, but I think that shit is totally HOT!