Thursday, March 29, 2007

How did you know? It's what I've always wanted! Could never have too many of these.

Last night I went through my closets and, no exaggeration, got rid of 75% of my stuff. It was either old, never worn, or wouldn't come close to fitting. For most of the pants, it was the latter. When it was done, I had a headache, but I feel better today. Lighter. And, girl, you should see my closets. They are straight from a magazine. All uniform wood hangers and closet organizers....and minimal. Seriously, I'm down to nothing. Let's see if I can keep it that way. I'm tempted to show you a picture, but I'm curiously embarrassed by how little there is.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

It's time we all reach out 4 something new

This isn't so NEW as it is NOVEL, I think, at least for me. Cauliflower is kind of an autumn crop, but it feels so SPRING in its purple finery, doesn't it? I'm obviously no food photographer, but I couldn't resist snapping a photo before partaking of the goodness. Pretty, no? I drizzled it with extra virgin olive oil and added a dash of kosher salt. But you knew that. For those of you who don't enjoy vegetables (Charlie!), you should try the EVOO drizzle. I find it enhances almost any vegetable. I bet it would even work on old man pickle.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

It always leads me here

I started this book a few weeks ago, and due to circumstances both trivial and profound, I put it down. I started again on Sunday and finished it by the early evening. What can I say about it? A boy, a man, the apocalypse, and the truths of life distilled. How's that? It's one of the best things I've ever read. Cormac McCarthy has a preternatural gift, yo.

ADDED ON 3/29: Looks like Oprah agrees. It's quite a departure for her, but she selected it for her book club on 3/28.

I'm a classy honey kissy huggy lovey dovey ghetto princess

I think I'd like to be a dandy. All those tailored clothes and maybe a little frill. No, wait. Am I confusing a dandy with a fop? Maybe I'd like to be a fop, instead.

Or possibly I just wanna fuck a dandy or a fop. Yeah, that's it.

Also, I'm still deciding whether Alpha Moms annoy me for their own sake, or because I secretly want to be them. But then I would have kids with names like Ryland and Marston. I'll get back to you.

ADDED: You can have your longer days, your robins returning, your daffodils blooming, because I finally experienced my favorite rite of spring today-- hot bitches on motorcycles. Tight t-shirt, buzzcut, mirror shades...unnnggghhh.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Somewhere only we know

I was at the Banana Republic this weekend. What's that? Yeah, I know. Again. It was a big sale! Anyway, a Mika song came on their soundtrack and I couldn't help but sing along. The salesgirl asked if I knew him and I was all, "Yeah, I've been listening to him for months, thanks to my girl with the inside line."She's like, "I found out about him on Perez Hilton. Do you read that?" Isn't that the same as her asking me if I'm gay? Because I'm obviously not a celebrity. All I know is the cute salesguy (who needs to go down one size on both tops and bottoms) winked after I said I did read it every once in a great while, but I first heard about Mika on my daily stop at Towleroad.

PS If you keep all those extra buttons and thread that come with stuff from Banana Republic, will you be my bf/gf? Because I know I should but I don't even pretend to any more and I need someone to do it for me.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

There's a feeling in my soul

Many of you may have seen this, but I'm posting it for the few who haven't, because it's just too rich to miss. And very au courant, with the whole gay conversion thing (see: Haggard, Big Gay Reverend).

It took me effin' forever, but at this late date, even if I could, I wouldn't change a thing. It may be sad to some of you that it took me so long, but it's the happiest and best thing that ever happened to me, no matter when. They'll never be a "cure", I know that like I know few things, and I also know what an immeasurable loss the world would suffer were it possible to have no more queer.

ADDED: CB says the YouTube link is dead, but you can still watch it at Comedy Central. Here is the video link. Scroll down to Diagnosis Mystery: Parts 1 & 2.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

And when you walk across the room

I don't think I could pull this off, but if a guy walked into the room wearing it, I'd want to talk to him, because brotha knows himself. It's from Ralph Lauren's Savannah-inspired spring clothes.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Is that how you measure a man?

It's only 2007, but the queers are shaping up to be the whipping boys once again for the '08 Presidential election. All the candidates are being asked to give their opinions on the military's policy regarding homosexuals in the service. One of our highest ranking military officers, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, wasn't satisfied to simply reiterate his support of the Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy. He felt it necessary to say that homosexuals are immoral and have no place in military service. His basis for this statement? His upbringing and his personal feelings. Hey, Peter, feel this. Why is this even a discussion when there is a war on and people are dying every day? But it is, and I was surprised, impressed and moved by former Republican Senator Alan Simpson's response to this ridiculousness in his op ed piece in The Washington Post. Here's part of it:
"In World War II, a British mathematician named Alan Turing led the effort to crack the Nazis' communication code. He mastered the complex German enciphering machine, helping to save the world, and his work laid the basis for modern computer science. Does it matter that Turing was gay? This week, Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, said that homosexuality is "immoral" and that the ban on open service should therefore not be changed. Would Pace call Turing "immoral"?

Since 1993, I have had the rich satisfaction of knowing and working with many openly gay and lesbian Americans, and I have come to realize that "gay" is an artificial category when it comes to measuring a man or woman's on-the-job performance or commitment to shared goals. It says little about the person. Our differences and prejudices pale next to our historic challenge."

Meanwhile, thanks to this misguided policy, our military has discharged thousands of highly trained personnel, including desperately needed Arabic translators.

Call the Times with the news

If everybody knows it, then it's not a secret anymore. Enough.

I wanna be a producer!

Actually, I wanna do a producer. I have a question for you. Since when is Gelman so fucking hot? I'm guessing here, but there must have been a point where he realized no self-respecting Jew of a certain age frosts his hair. The hair, the's like fucking Tom Ford gave him a makeover.

ADDED: By way of explanation, Regis had bypass surgery. Oh. I guess that doesn't really explain things. OK, Regis had bypass surgery, so I TiVoed the show because Anderson Cooper was guest hosting, and I'll be dipped, but Anderson wasn't even the hottest thing on. It was Gelman, then Anderson. No, actually it was Mark Wahlberg, Gelman, then Anderson. Shoot. Let me try one more time? Cool. It was Mark Wahlberg, the smell that Mark Consuelos leaves on Kelly, Gelman, then Anderson. That sounds like I'm knocking Anderson, when I'm totally not. Did you notice how he giggles like a schoolgirl at everything Kelly says? A-dorable.

P.S. Get better, Reege! But, you know, don't rush it. Co-hosting is a craft, and Cooper and Consuelos need some time to hone their instruments.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!

You can go here to vote for your favoritest pixie cut. It's CUTE and FUN. I don't have to, though. I already know my fave.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I'll be coming for you anyway

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are compassionate, caring, and soothing.
You like other people to depend on you...
In fact, you don't feel right unless you are helping someone out.

Underneath it all, you feel the burden of everyone's problems.
Without your guidance, you fear that many people's worlds would fall apart.
You like to feel in charge, even if it brings you a lot of stress.


I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak

My office had its holiday party last night. Just because it's three months late, doesn't mean it can't be festive. Only there were games involved. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First we took the folks to a charming little Italian place that I enjoy. So what says Italian better than whetting our appetites with a plate of antipasti? Delicious salamis and cheeses, savory olives and figs, who could resist, right? I took a few morsels and passed the plate. It came back intact. Apparently, the people I work with only eat foods that are clearly defined and recognizable from their youth. As there were no Kraft singles or hotdogs on the plate, I was left to nibble imported delicacies for the rest of the night. PS? When I asked my seatmate to pass the olive oil, she remarked, "You're gonna eat that? I thought it was just a table decoration." To her credit, she did point at some cheese and ask, "Is that brie?" Only she pronounced it like a nickname for Brian.

Fast forward to the after-party, where games commenced. I'm just not a big party game guy, but I am a joiner (ask anyone!), so a rousing game of Catch Phrase ensued. I think the following vignette succinctly capsulizes the evening. It was the other team's turn and my sister-in-law was giving clues. "It's a city in England", she exclaimed, which was met with a guess of "Paris!" by one of my co-workers, and blank non-responsive stares from the other two. Not to be deterred, sister-in-law came back with "the Queen lives there!" which prompted a guess of "the Eiffel Tower!" You know it's true because it doesn't make a lick of sense, so why would I make that up? Finally, desperately, she offered "I see blank, I see France, I see someone's underpants". They got that one, she passed the device to me, and the buzzer went off.

These people really are lovely, but?

Baby, I'm a star

Much has been made over at Freakgirl about her recent fulfillment of her civic duties, and I congratulate her. Though I hesitate to toot my own horn (unless it's been 5-7 days since someone else has tooted it for me and/or it's a month with an "R" in it), it's a little known fact that events in my life formed the basis of The Rural Juror, opening soon in select theaters. Once again, things are looking up for 'ol Mike Engle.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Slipping through my fingers all the time

1. A baby
2. Grandpa's ashes
3. Your semen sample

Things you shouldn't let me carry! I tell ya, I've been Mrs. Butterfingers the last few days. I have the Eureka, the Dirt Devil, a Swiffer and a Tide Stain Stick all setting out in the corner because there's no use putting them away. In fact, as I type this my pants are in the spin cycle.

This is the future

Are you gonna tell me that, starting today, I can sit here at work and order up a movie on Amazon for rental or purchase, and when I get home it's gonna be sitting on my TiVo? Apparently so. So that's exactly what I'm doing. RIGHT NOW! I have to think the way I'm currently feeling is akin to what parents experience when they bring home their newborn child. Right?

If you are suitably enabled, you might take advantage of the service right now, as for a short time they're offering $15 in free downloads to sweeten the pot.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Just a slip of the tongue

Saturday morning I was talking to my work's Gladys Kravitz-equivalent when the discussion turned to the changes I'm making to clear up that nasty rash. Quit staring! Anyway, I mentioned that I've switched to a natural aluminum-free deodorant, and Mrs. K asked what it was. For some reason I said it was Tom's of Finland, when it's actually Tom's of Maine. So I guess this means I'm one Google search away from being finally and completely out at work.

Did you make mankind after we made you?

I was enthralled by this article in Sunday's NYT Magazine. It's not about whether there is a god, but rather why people BELIEVE there is a god. Was there some evolutionary benefit to belief in a supernatural being? Or is god just a byproduct of some other more obviously beneficial trait? Incidentally, they call these byproducts "spandrels", which is kinda awesome. Where two arches (functional) meet, they form a spandrel (which can be pretty and decorative, but is not necessarily functional). Check it out if you're so inclined. Fascinating.

PS Yes, I'm a (barely) 40something man who has never lived outside the Midwest and I read the New York Times. I know. Stereotypically gay much?

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Do I stay or run away?

It's times like these, early on a Saturday morning when the office staff is RAVING about Wild Hogs, that I feel most alone.

Friday, March 02, 2007

You took the words right out of my mouth

From 30 Rock:

Liz: So, how about Lost this season?
Stephen: ::laughs:: Sorry, I don't own a tv.
Liz: Really? Wha..What do you sit and look at?

Who are you? Who, who, who, who?

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Tell me something I don't already know, darling.

But there's one last thing I feel I need to ask

Decidedly NSFW.

Am I the last one to see this? You won't get this tune out of your head today. As you know, I'm usually all about the lyrics, but in this instance, depending on the venue, might I suggest you hum instead?