Can we take the next hour and talk about me?

• My house is made of glass as much as anything else. Why else do you think I'm so reserved with my judgments? No, really, it's all picture windows and French doors and transoms and sidelights. Let me tell ya, it's a bitch to keep them clean. Or so I hear. Anyway, one tends to feel "on display". There is this one short hallway, though, that exists isolated from prying eyes, and when I walk through it, I dance my ass off. Every time. The approach is casual, but then it's not just a little shake, I'm talking prancing and arm swanning. Just as quickly, it's over, except for the lingering smile.


• I must add that I totally BIFFED in the snow today. I came home to find that the guy I'd hired to clear my drive had not yet been disposed to do so. The snow at the curb was piled to 3 feet (at least). And me in loafers. Blast! Always form over function with me. What I need is some of those kicky boots Stamos was wearing on The View yesterday. So picture my delight when I climbed the pile and found it bore my weight! So light, so lithe, I imagined I'd scamper all the way to the front door. Well, everyone knows what they say about pride and the fall, but when the fall cometh, it still cometh unexpectedly, so when my foot suddenly sank into the thigh deep snow, I sprawled. I think there's still snow in my crack somewhere.


• I spent just shy of an hour today in front of the mirror practicing cute ways to wear a scarf. No, I said scarf, not neckerchief. Who am I, Paul Lynde suddenly? Cold here, remember? I was surprised to find that I have four scarves. There's a gray one in wool, a striped one in earthy tones that looks great with my motocross-style leather jacket, the spankin' new red cashmere deliciousness, and a little blue number in an insouciant argyle. Does that seem like a lot?


• My parents wear me out sometimes. Is it just mine specifically or is that whole generation like a horde of Energizer bunnies with AARP cards? My mom just called, urging me to check my attic for any snow that may have blown in during the recent near-blizzard. She'd checked theirs (who does that?) and her constant vigilance was rewarded by the discovery of a few tiny drifts aloft. So, my mother and father formed a two geezer bucket brigade and nipped that leaky-ceiling-waiting-to-happen right in the bud. Bless 'em. Now I have to go look I guess. Heh. Or I can just say, "I didn't check but I'm sure it's fine" when Mom calls to follow up. They'll just happen to be in the neighborhood in two, three days tops.


• Oh, and happy VD, y'all! That's a gift suggestion, not an accusation. Or confession. You're welcome.