The ham's not the only thing getting glazed (Drinking my way through the holidays)

Earlier my mom asked me if I wanted to go to 8 o'clock mass with her or 10 o'clock mass with my sisters. Ah, it's true what they say-- laughter is a wonderful gift.

Did you know they made a sparkling shiraz? Why didn't you tell me!?! I was making num-num sounds all afternoon and Eve.

I have to dash right now, but remind me to tell you about my soulful rendition of "Breaking Free" from our Wii High School Musical Karaoke tourney last night. Not a dry eye in the house, people. Boy, who knew pre-schoolers would be such crybabies when you kick their asses all over the place in a singing competition?

Merry, merry, y'all!

It's not nice to fool Mother Nature

Have I learned nothing from 70s margarine commercials? I'm fresh from my traditional Sunday morning long run. The forecast was for rain, sleet, snow and winds gusting up to 50 mph. If I haven't mentioned it, I relish conditions like that. If I may borrow from horse-racing parlance, I'm a mudder. You say "sloppy mess" and I say "bring it." I think it has something to do with my hardworking German heritage. Specifically, my time on the East German women's Olympic swim team. Regardless, I'm here to tell you that after you've been blown into a wet ditch behind the Pizza Hut, you begin to rethink the hubris of defying the elements. Seriously, blown into a wet ditch. I wouldn't lie to you.

Or maybe it was just instant karma for tainting that last sweet post with talk of getting my cigar smoked by some randomness? Blowjob, blown into a ditch, nice twist there, Universe. Anyway, speaking of my taint.....

ADDED: Here's a little visual proof of my ditchity pursuits.I know, it doesn't look like much, but that's like the only few inches of my skin that was exposed. Freezing cold here, remember?

One more drifter in the snow

At 10:00 last night I was in the parents' front yard having a snowball fight with my sister and her kids. We were all in pajamas. I don't need anything else for Christmas.

ADDED: OK, actually I'd also like a toothy blowjob from some hirsute daddy I haven't met yet.

He needs me to do WHAT now?

The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
- Eric Hoffer

Count your blessings, lambs

I was speaking with a 79 year old woman just now. Lovely lady, although a crooked wig distracted from her fine features. Anyway, she said her stress has been very high. When I asked her about it, she said her husband has been in a nursing home for eight years, with Parkinson's and dementia, and now he doesn't recognize her anymore. So sad! THEN she said her favorite sister, who she's spoken with on the phone every night for as long as she can remember, came down with fungal pneumonia (needless to say, not good) three weeks ago and they are taking her off life support today. For Pete's sake. Right before Christmas? I couldn't help myself. We hugged it out.

Count your blessings, my lambs, and hug someone you love today.

Fuck me if these goddamned holidays don't make me maudlin every year!

How do I lube me? Let me count the ways

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was briefly taken aback by how much I lubricate myself. It happened gradually, I guess, but now I find that I'm anointing myself with oils, creams and lotions from head to toe. Care to join me as I step out of the shower? While still wet, I douse myself shoulders to ankles with Neutrogena Body Oil (unscented). Then it's face time, with Lush Eau Roma Water, followed closely by Aveda All-Sensitive Moisturizer. I'm in my 40s now, so the eyes need a lil' extra attention, non? Tourmaline Charged Eye Creme. Smack my lips with some Honey Trap, and I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille. Well, except for hands and feet, where I'm back to the Aveda Aesthetique, for Hand Relief and Foot Relief.

I'm worth it, right? IT'S worth it. Right? Oh dear. I'm ridiculous.

You better get to livin', givin', don't forget to throw in a little forgivin'

I've been loving all over Dolly's new song since Freakgirl posted the video (the extended version with Miss Amy Sedaris!) on her blog. Who doesn't love them some Dolly? I'm askin'. Then yesterday on Towleroad, I saw a few snippets of the interview she did recently with Jake Shears. Too much fabulousness on one satin-y bed spread!

God, I don't know who I'd wanna hug first. OK, yeah, Dolly, but Jake is SO CUTE.

Fairytale of New York

This is lately one of my favorite Christmas songs. Thanks, Freakgirl!

Woe is me

I have a zit brewing inside my nose. Is there anything worse? Oh sure, I know, there's war and famine and pestilence. I'm talking AFTER those.

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I ain't comin' back

Yes, that title does allude to my current mood, but mostly it's just to let you know that I spent a goodly portion of my weekend down time finishing up the Firefly DVDs. For the third time. Those last two hours, The Message and Objects In Space, are two of my favorite television episodes in, like, ever. Humor, suspense, pathos; this show crackled from beginning to its (too soon) end.

When you can't run anymore, you crawl. And when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.

I cried. AND we're back at my mood again.

Grrrrrrr........

The roads were terrible this weekend with the winter storm. Snow, then rain, then freezing rain, then snow again. And blowing. No Sweeney Todd! I had cabin fever already by Sunday afternoon, so I dug out my driveway and decided to go my gym. I got there, and it was closed. Of course, I could have easily discovered that if I'd only called ahead. So I bought another paper (because the Sunday Chicago Tribune is bound to have WAY different news than the Dayton Daily, right?) and a bottle of wine and went home.

Today, I am a grumpy bear.

Light me up and get on with it

Where's the goram Heat Miser when you need him?

SNOW WILL DEVELOP ACROSS THE AREA SATURDAY MORNING. THE SNOW WILL MIX WITH SLEET AND FREEZING RAIN AT TIMES...PARTICULARLY SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND EVENING. THE PRECIPITATION WILL THEN CHANGE BACK TO ALL SNOW AND CONTINUE INTO SUNDAY MORNING. TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATIONS OF 6 TO 10 INCHES ARE EXPECTED THROUGH SUNDAY MORNING. SOME ICE ACCUMULATION OF ONE TO TWO TENTHS OF AN INCH ARE POSSIBLE. WITH GUSTY WINDS NEAR 40 MPH...AREAS OF BLOWING SNOW WILL OCCUR SUNDAY.

And I was going to see the touring production of Sweeney Todd in Columbus this weekend. It's Sondheim people! There is no justice in the universe.

Being close and being clever
Ain't like being true
I don't need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some...

This guy scares the shit out of me

Mike Huckabee leads in the latest Republican primary polls. Seriously? I've never felt so queer or different as when I consider a world where this can be.

I started to think and then I was all, "This is too hard!"

The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
- HL Mencken

The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity.
- Robertson Davies

Sing a new song, Chiquitita

The holidays getting you down? Here's your antidote. What can a video do? Oh, darling, your ennui doesn't have a prayer against these mostly blonde folks, some with sunglasses jauntily perched atop their heads. Or their ginormous leering snowman.

You're welcome.

It's hard out here for a pimp

I saw No Country For Old Men today. Here are a few impressions:

1. Watching this movie is as close as you'll get to reading a Cormac McCarthy novel without actually reading one. The language is precise and gorgeous, but if you're looking for tidy, this isn't your country, old man.
2. Even though it's McCarthy's voice, the Coen brothers' stamp is unmistakable.
3. Javier Bardem or Tommy Lee Jones, or possibly both, will be nominated for an Oscar, and deservedly so.
4. This movie contains some of the most suspenseful scenes I've experienced in a theater. Part of it is you learn early on that graphic violence will occur with no notice.
5. The other part is that Javier Bardem creates a screen villain for the ages in Anton Chigurh.
6. It's easily one of the best films I've seen this year, friend-o.

I feel pretty

With all the snow and bad roads, things are slow here at work. What's a boy to do but browse cars online? How about a rear-wheel drive sports coupe for the snow belt? This thing is sex on wheels, isn't it? Auto porn.

There's no Koz for alarm

That's what I'm telling myself anyway. They forecasted 1-3 inches of snow for last night. We have at least five and it's still coming down. Tonight and tomorrow morning they are predicting a "wintry mix" which usually involves snow, ice and sleet in some infernal mix. Now I'm not normally one of those weather Chicken Littles (who are, as I type, clearing the grocery shelves of bread and milk.....is French Toast the de rigeur foodstuff for a blizzard?), but if this damnable precip keeps me from seeing Dave Koz, well, ummmm, then it does, I guess? Yeah, I was never that great at righteous indignation. So as much as I'd like to say that I'll be there hell or high water, I'll be honest. Weather permitting, I'll see you tomorrow, Cap'n Koz.

ADDED: David Mixner just released a list of his People of the Year. Yo, check DK out.
John Edwards? Brangelina? Nancy Pelosi? The Burmese monks? Not bad company, Brotha Dave.

ADDED: Ummm, can you say MULTIPLE GRAMMY NOMINEE? I thought that you could. Dave's "At the Movies" CD and his stirring take on "Over the Rainbow" were both nominated in the Pop Instrumental category. Huzzah!

Cooking with Koz

Yes, please! Dave does a segment on his drive time Smooth Jazz radio show where he shares some of his favorite quick, easy and delicious recipes. I've tried a few and they are all of the above. Brotha does love his pasta, though. Good thing he's all kinds of active on stage to burn that off. I think he ought to raffle off a chance to cook with Koz. Right? Should I win, do you think he would whisper Fusilli with Gorgonzola and Walnut Sauce in my ear? If I asked real nice? Poetry!

Just two more days until the Koz Christmas Express blows into Ohio to bring some cheer to Cowlumbus and parts near. They are going to be at the gorgeous Palace Theater. You should come! We'll have some warm alcoholic beverage together at intermission if you do. Verily I say unto you, "There might be cinammon sticks!" And peace and joy and whatnot.

PS I just noticed that I'm the #2 hit when you search blogs for Dave Koz. Oh, it's ON!

When reality queens collide......

.......it makes a loud swishing sound. This makes me happier than I can say. Too much adorable! (via)

I can still hear the screams

My own. I was a homeowner for something like 15 years with no vermin. I've rented for two months and last night I had a mouse in the house. Under the sink, in the little trashbin! At least he was conveniently pre-packaged for disposal. How soon do you think I can move?

The way my pants are fitting lately, I would have chosen famine over pestilence, but nobody asked.

And that's the revolutionary Koz-tume for today

So I'm thinking dark jeans, that super-soft argyle sweater I picked up at the Banana, and a mushroom-y fine-wale corduroy blazer. And my favorite brown loafers, natch. What? Oh, I'm talking about what I'll wear to see Dave Koz and his merry band of holiday revelers on Saturday night. I have mentioned that I'm going to the see Dave Koz & Friends 10th Anniversary Smooth Jazz Christmas concert in Columbus this weekend at the Palace Theater, right? I'm sure I have.Kimberley Locke is along for the jingle-y ride, and I know it's a Christmas concert and everything, but do you suppose she'll sing "Band of Gold" anyway? After all, the crowd is sure to be full of Koz-mos, and you know there's nothing like a diva doing her dance hit to get the brethren going.

So what do you think? About Kimberley and about my outfit, I mean.

Im in ur Edin pettin ur dino

I was going to title this "Before There Were LOL Cats", but that's just silly because of course they had domesticated animals back then, too. Duh! I've been laughing at these all morning. Thanks to NoFo for pointing me here.

Kountdown to Koz

Yes, I spelled countdown with a "K". If you've lived in the rural Midwest for any time, as I have, you'll realize that EVERY hair salon owner for 100 miles does wacky shit like that, so why, oh why, can't I? Korner Kutz. The Mane Attraction. Hair Root 66. And that's just in my neighborhood.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, KOZ! If you've been around here much, you know I raved about the Dave Koz concert I enjoyed this summer at the Fraze Pavilion. OK, yes, I did gush a bit, but DK has so much energy on stage (see: frisky kick), and it might sound strange, but I swear it's like he's singing through the saxophone. If I may borrow a phrase from Tiffany "New York" Patterson, I was totally feelin' him. Plus, adorable!Right? He's making some bold choices with that suit which speaks to his temperament, I think. It also speaks to my pants. Fact! So, I'm seeing him again this weekend at his holiday concert tour stop in Columbus. Anyone up for stagedoor johnny-ing him with me? Sounds dirtier than it is, yo.So that means ALL WEEK I'll be plugging his tour, his CD, his radio show, and possibly even his website, all the while keeping a respectable distance, naturally.

Do you think this might score me a backstage pass or something?

I know he has fan clubs, but I wonder if there's one specifically targeting our tribe. Cuz I've totally got the perfect name: The Koz-mos. See what I did?

Dave Koz, y'all!