Are you kidding me?

I'm not usually prone to fits of ooohing and awwwwing over baybee animals, but this is ridiculous. ::melts::

I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

The Westboro Baptist loonies are going to picket Maria Lauterbach's funeral in Vandalia, because, as you may or may not know, God hates fags, and the fag-loving United States, and its fag-loving military. Vandalia is not far from me. Do you know how tempted I am to go? I'm perversely fascinated by those people, especially Shirley Phelps-Roper. I wonder if she'd pose for a picture with me. Did you know she thinks we should either follow the Bible in this country to the letter or not at all? She feels like we should either grant full and equal rights to gays (and gay couples), OR we should follow God's word, which is to say that all the queers should be rounded up, imprisoned and then executed. She won't cotton to any compromise. FYI: she prefers the latter course of action (natch).

The bloom is off the rose

Remember my jokey post about the Bionic Woman and my natural deodorant? Well, it looks like Lisa Galloway isn't the only one who has a bad reaction to Adrenalizine. My left pit is red and very angry right now. Ow! LUSH, why have you forsaken me? The whole reason I switched to the crunchy, tree-huggy deodorant is because the other ones, so rich in petrochemicals and aluminum, started giving me a rash. Now the natural ones, too? That's it. I'm moving to France.

And yes, he DID just post about his pits/their maintenance again.

Nobody puts Johnny in a corner

Second?!But always first in my heart, Johnny. Always first in my heart. And kudos to you for putting Elisa to work making your outfits.

Gonna leave this world for a while

Man, I jerked off like my life depended on it this weekend. No, really, it's like my cock was the rip cord on my secondary chute or something. I can't remember the last time that's happened. Weeks at least.

When I wasn't investigating my crime scene, I was at the movies. I've seen all the Best Picture nominees now. Care to hear my capsule reviews? I'll start with the ones I caught this weekend.


There Will Be Blood
Epic in scope and theme, I think this is a movie that will stand the test of time. And Daniel Day Lewis inhabits a character, doesn't he? Like few other actors, for me he just disappears. There are many years this would be Best Picture, but not this year.


Michael Clayton
Wow, this movie is a corker! I loved it, and I think that nobody picks movies better than George Clooney. Granted, he gets all the best scripts, but so does Kevin Costner. Or he did. Michael Clayton has the best acting ensemble of the nominated films. George? Fab. Tilda Swinton? Ohmychrist, you're named after punctuation and you own. Michael O'Keefe? Smarmy goodness. Tom Wilkinson? Hell yes. Sydney Pollack? He can do no wrong in my book. Julie White? OK, you were barely in this, but my love endures from your screamingly funny turn on Broadway in Little Dog Laughed. Oh, and Tony Gilroy, the genius director of the Bourne films, both wrote and directed this one. Whew. Mad talent. The last third of this movie had me riveted.


No Country For Old Men
Best Picture of the Year. Beautifully written, gorgeously shot, wonderfully acted, I think this one stands out in a startlingly good crowd. Javier Bardem sees to it that Anton Chigurh scares the crap out of you. Come to think of it, Chigurh shares a similar moral code to There Will Be Blood's Daniel Plainview. A distorted one, yes, but clearly defined at least. From the opening minutes, NCFOM grabs you by the collar and then never lets go. You know those movies that you stumble upon in the middle of the night or on a Saturday afternoon and then you HAVE to stop and watch? This will be one of those for the next ten or thirty years.


Atonement
This is the prettiest film of the bunch, and as I've often mentioned, the book is one of my all-time favorites. I was pleasantly surprised how true the film stayed to novel. Some really good acting in this, one of the best tracking shots in, ummmmm, movie history, and that delicious ending. There's a theme that runs through many of McEwan's books and it's hauntingly presented here-- whole lives can hinge on a moment, and often just a few words said (or unsaid) can be all the difference. Yikes! And yum.


Juno
So sweet, so funny and suprisingly unsentimental. OK, there were times I felt manipulated (and not in a good way), but mostly I was entertained. They're writing that Juno is this year's Little Miss Sunshine. Huh? Both funny, I guess, and neither lightweight. And I guess I like that the Academy nominated Juno (and Little Miss Sunshine....so maybe there's validity in the comparison after all?), but it's nowhere near the best thing I saw last year. I know, I know, people loved it, but I'd even nominate Superbad before this one. I'll be honest. Juno-speak really got on my nerves after a while. I like quirky, but c'mon. Still, very funny and well-done.


So yeah, No Country For Old Men, brotha. If you haven't seen it, why not?

ADDED: They showed a trailer for The Dark Knight before Michael Clayton. It was about 25% Batman and 75% The Joker. I'd seen stills of Heath Ledger as the Joker, but hadn't seen any clips. Startling.

Hi! I'm Michael and I'll be your server today.

I work in a professional capacity serving the public. I've been working at this place for about 15 years now. Once, in all those years, someone slid me a tip. A generous tip. I didn't know whether to be pleased or offended. Don't get me wrong, I took it, I just didn't know how to feel about it.

Remind me sometime to tell you the story about this dude who wanted to slip me a different kind of tip at work.

Now think of the happiest things, it's the same as having wings

You've seen those Disney ads with famous folks taking the roles of Disney icons, right? They're shot by Annie Leibovitz and they are really lovely to look at.I love this new one with Baryshnikov as Peter Pan and Gisele as Wendy (I'm on a single name basis with both). But mostly I love it because television's Tina Fey is Tinkerbell.
(via)

All along the watchtower, princes kept the view

What a match! I woke up at 4:00 AM, as I knew I would, and at that point it didn't look good for my man Djokovic. He was serving down 3-5, and got into a 0-30 hole. Who knew he was going to win the next four games. And 8 of the next 9! Admittedly Federer did not seem to be moving as well as he can, but schooling him in straight sets in a major is still a major breakthrough for Djokovic. He's only 20. This changes the tennis landscape a little, which I think has gotten stale the last few years with Federer's dominance (outside of Roland Garros).
Wow, that was fun. I was almost late for work.

ADDED: After watching those two battle it out in the heat of Australia's summer, it's particularly bracing to walk outside here and find it's -2F (-19C).

I'm gonna stick around my woman

I blogged about Freeheld after I saw it at Dayton's LGBT Film Festival last fall. Now it's nominated for an Oscar for best short documentary. If you have a chance, you should check it out. Here's the trailer.
Wrecks me every time.

I'm at a point in my life where the only thing that matters is obtaining justice for the woman that I love.

Wow, my nails look great!

They really do. Is it my diet? The cuticle oil? It's probably all the buffing. Anyway, not my point, but I was looking at my fingers after reading an interesting article in USA Today about a theory that fetal exposure to testosterone in the womb may be reflected in finger ratios in adults. There's some correlation between this ratio and athletic ability, musical ability, and even susceptibility to osteoarthritis. What interested me was that men typically have a longer ring finger than index finger (right, below), and women usually have the reverse, with the index finger being longer, or at least equal in length with the ring finger (left, below). Mine are nearly equal in length, and the article says that is often seen in gay men (but, no, it doesn't MEAN you're gay....relax Republicans). How about you?

Is that pie fit for a king?

It's been a while since we've had some pie 'round these parts and according to Michael Guy and the National Pie Council, it's National Pie Day today. Well, I'm still trying to work off the holiday weight, so I'm going to serve up the kind of pie I'd never eat (anymore). I must admit I do enjoy looking at her, though. OK, OK, maybe I just like to imagine being her. You know, the whole "what it feels like for a girl" thing. Only she has to be a girl who can really kick ass. Like Lindsay Wagner as the Bionic Woman, or SMG as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Lena Heady, as Sarah Motherfuckin' Connor.Have you been watching that show? That hot bitch owns me. I never loved the Terminator movies (and T3 was a downright groaner), but this series is off to a promising start. Also, Lena knows Gerard Butler, which increases her appeal more than I can say.No, seriously, I can hardly say because he makes my froat go tight.Not to put too fine a point on it, but:I'm sure Lena wouldn't mind Gerry bogarting her post. I know I sure wouldn't.

At last, my arm is complete again!

You don't know how close I am to shaving my head down to about a quarter inch right now. Or do you?

Suddenly came the dawn (from the night)

Meet Carl. My, ummmm, muse.

Tastes like chicken

Bless her heart, my mom is the sweetest lady you could ever hope to meet. Terrible cook, though. I think the problem is she totally ignores the recipe. How else to explain everything she makes tastes like shredded chicken with rice? Oh, except for her jambalaya, which tastes like shredded chicken with rice and red pepper flakes.

And she's my mom, so of course she can read me like a book. So why does she torture herself by always asking how I liked her "new" recipe?

I'm Jaime!

I'm using this new natural deodorant that the kind LUSH sales representative included as a free sample with my recent purchase. I normally use their Aromarant, but this is the Aromacreme. The thing is, it looks exactly like Adrenalizine, so every morning as I apply it, the whispering starts. "Lisa. Lisa! Lisa." And I'm all, "I'm not Lisa, I'm Jaime! I'M Jaime Sommers!"

No, I haven't eaten any yet.

And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

Have y'all been watching the Australian Open? They've had some crazy good matches down there. It's the Serb surge! I could hardly stand it when Janko Tipsarevic had Federer on the ropes in that third round match. Federer seems like a great guy, and he's obviously already one of the all-time greats (if not the greatest) to play the game, but I was firmly in Janko's camp for this one. Sorry, Rog, but we need some new blood already. I'm easily bored of the same old thing. I think it's the Gemini in me. Or the gay in me, I'm never sure. Anyway, Tipsarevic couldn't quite turn the trick, but my main Serb, Novak Djokovic, is still in the hunt. Djokovic has been my boi ever since I watched him grind out that incredible five-setter in New York last year. Easily the best match I've ever seen live. Plus, look at him.

ADDED: The semi-finals are set and Serbs make up 25% of the men and 50% of the women. Crazy.

A one way ticket out of my life

OK, it's actually a roundtripper, but I just booked passage to the Great White North for Easter. Does it get any better than Vancouver with the Jews for a Christian holiday? No, sir, it does not. I haven't skied in forever and I'm developing serious withdrawal. Would that be delirium tree-runs, then?

So I was just watching Bourdain do his No Reservations thing through Vancouver, kind of gearing myself up, and I now have a new goal in life. Ladies, faux ladies, and TBD, I give you the Japadog.WANT.

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Sometimes I worry I'm leaving the impression that I hate Christians. I really don't. OK, well, some of them who aim to restrict my basic human and civil rights I don't like so much. And those who live their lives so far removed from the basic tenets that Christ espoused....I don't like them either. The rest of you are alright, though! A little juvenile in your willingness to be caught up in flimsy myths, but otherwise totally cool. Oh dear. This isn't coming out right. You know who says it so it's clear as a bell and funny as hell? Sarah Vowell. You really owe it to yourself to check out her take on Christianity, Martin Luther King, Jr., and American politics.

Want

Do Not Want

BELIEF.NET: Is it your goal to bring the Constitution into strict conformity with the Bible? Some people would consider that a kind of dangerous undertaking, particularly given the variety of biblical interpretations.

HUCKABEE: Well, I don’t think that’s a radical view to say we’re going to affirm marriage. I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal. Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again. I think the radical position is to make a change in what’s been historic.

Will someone tell me when he's gone? I can't look anymore.

What's that smell?

I'm not fond of those blog posts where people detail their sickness. How bad I'm feeling and the state of my various orifices and their concomitant secretions/excretions is none of your concern. I will tell you that I've spent the day unshowered while watching Bring It On and its sneakily subversive sequels, Bring It On Again, and Bring It On: All or Nothing. I know what you're thinking. "But Mike, there's another one!" Bitch, please. Bring It On: In It to Win It was just cashing in and is an insult to the artistry of the first three.

Oh, and I'm living in my own filth.

That's why you will not survive

This tune is my current fave. I can hardly stay in my seat when I'm driving. Spoon! You think the maracas and tambourine are enough, and then you're sent over the edge with the horns and the handclaps. And the hook, of course. That delicious hook. Listen at your own risk. I was pleasantly surprised to find the video features all those instruments that make this arrangement so delicious.

ADDED: They're currently touring Australia and playing with Arcade Fire, Bjork and LCD Soundsystem at select dates. !!!

And while I'm posting paparazzi-targeted hotties

Did NPH get markedly hotter after he came out or was I just missing it?

You give me randypants, grampa

You go on with your manpris, Calvin! Nice. CK does 65 proud, muthafuckas.

I'm a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar

Many of y'all will be watching OSU v LSU in the National Championship tonight. Oh, wait. Scratch that. It's mostly fags and hags around here, isn't it? Well, I am BESIDE MYSELF because an Amazon.com box just showed up, so I'll be watching the Collector's Edition of Serenity tonight.It's one of the best science fiction movies ever. Speaking of that, why not head on over to Too Much Free Time and check out the Geekboy's post about the best of the best in sci-fi? If I don't watch the movie, I'll dive into some of the other goodies from that Amazon box. Like Spike: Shadow Puppets. Just when you thought I couldn't be any geekier, then I'm reading a graphic novel featuring vampires and vaguely homo-erotic undertones. And puppets.

What's the worst word you can possibly imagine?

I'm sick today and I'm here to tell you that I'm never sick. That's not bragging, that's just fact. Only today it feels like the walls of my sinus cavities are about to burst free from the rest of my skull. The rest of me just aches. I don't do "call in sick" so here I am at work, although, well, blogging.
So that this isn't all about my mucous membranes and bodily cavities (and conjunctiva...did I mention my conjunctiva?), I'll give you the heads up on Atonement. See it! Gorgeously filmed, impeccably acted, achingly romantic, and contrary to what I read a few months ago, it is respectful of the book (which I've loved as much as almost any contemporary novel). Gawd, I didn't think I could be feelin' James McAvoy any more than I already did, but I was mistaken, sirs. I could just eat him all up, or alternately, in some other manner have him inside me. I'm going to buy this on DVD if for no other reason than it's SO good-looking. The sets, the costumes, all divine. Then, late in the film, there is this jaw-dropping tracking shot across a battle-scarred beach that spins and climbs and twirls and bumps and veers and it will leave you dizzy and little breathless. It's shots like that on a big screen that make going to movies worth it.

Thank you, Iowa

Huckabee? Seriously? At least now I know there's a more stupid place than Ohio.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

I was talking to this super hot guy this morning (late 50s, close-cropped grey-white hair, ice blue eyes) and then I thought of him again just now when I went to pee and the tip of my dick was stuck to my underpants. At first I was like, "What the?" and then I was all, "Oh, yeah! Hot guy from this morning."

Happy New Year!