Thursday, April 27, 2006

Papa, can you hear me?

It's back up! The internet as Chez ME, I mean. Turns out my cable modem was just fine, but I had too many splitters on the line and it wasn't getting a strong enough signal. Apparently, a single man should not require four televisions. Who knew? Anyway, a new dedicated line shooting the good stuff straight into my modem has me up and running.

SO MANY THINGS have been racing through my mind. I've been DYING to share them. Funny how they are all escaping me at the moment, so I'm offering this little Bill Maher diatribe that I received in the email. I usually don't post FORWARD-Y things, but I just love this. Tell me if y'all have seen it already.
"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend -- you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare -- helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best -- lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying -- there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is, 'Take a hint.'"


Michael Guy said... no souvenir? Do I get a refrigerator magnet or some cheesy coin purse for my trouble while you were away?

Welcome back, Michael. Glad your cable modem doesn't have all the spitters now. I hate that. Or did you say 'splitters?'

freakgirl said...

I usually find Bill Maher repugnant, but I enjoyed that little rant you reprinted. Good stuff.

Jen said...

You will be more complimented than annoyed, right, when I tell you that I heard you singing that post title in Just Jack's voice from that episode where he finds out the dad he never knew has died?

FG, I totally agree, I think Maher's generally an ass. But even a stopped clock's right twice a day.

The Other Andrew said...

Welcome back big guy. 4 televisions? Each one playing a different treasure from the Gus Mattox Collection, no doubt.

That piece you posted is genius. And I say that as someone looking in from the outside. I don't have to live that shit everyday like the rest of you, even though he does manage to scare the crap out me. Incompetence and power is a scary mix.

freakgirl said...

Jen, you are not the only one who always hears that line in Jack's voice. :)

Bluebunny said...

So glad you are back - missed you.

Michael said...

::cue mafia voice::
Souvenir? I got ur souvenir right here, MG. ::cups self::
PS I'm not a spitter, but is it gross if I think the dangling saliva line is hot?

FG, I'm not normally a big fan, either. I picked up his book from a remainders pile a few years ago. SUCK. This was good, though, and thorough.

Jen, how can I be annoyed when that's exactly how I sing it. Only annoying thing is I think Jack got that off me!

OA, mmmmmmmm, Gus.......I miss his turgid blog. I've actually purged my VHS/DVD porn. Completely streamlined to 'streaming' porn now. A tad inconvenient when one's internet connection goes down for days (mmm...goes down for days....Quality #2 on my Boyfriend Requirements list). That's remedied now by downloading some to the hard drive for a rainy day.

Bluebunny, muah! We can muah, can't we?