Tuesday, March 28, 2006

One more smile I fake and try my best to be glad

Just when I was finally getting Brokeback Mountain out of my system (aren't you proud of me for putting it that way instead of....?), along comes Rufus Wainwright with his video of The Maker Makes from the haunting BBM soundtrack. Love him long time and love the song. You can check out the languid and lovely video here along with Rufus' thoughts on the song.

I know a bit about staying where you don't really belong. I was reminded of it just this morning. I was speaking to this woman at work (she also happens to be my neighbor) when she suggested that all the problems the Catholic church is having fall squarely on the shoulders of letting gays in the priesthood. It's not like I sat there and agreed, but I kept my mouth shut. Aren't you so very proud of me? I left that room and ran into the two receptionists discussing a house fire of a cousin of a friend where the house burned except for the wall where the crucifix was hanging. It gave them chills. Gave me chills too, but not quite in the same way, I'm guessing. It always gives me headshaking pause when people try to find god in rust, driftwood, and their mashed taties. And do you know why I stay? I've come to realize it's a blend of fear and greed. I'm afraid to start over and I'm afraid to be poor again. Again, proud?

PS I never noticed how Rufus and Johnny (see below) share some gay face.

link via towleroad


freakgirl said...

At the risk of sounding too serious on a fun blog, I fear that you will never truly feel satisfaction with your life until you can live it UNAPOLOGETICALLY and OUT LOUD.

Michael said...

Is this a fun blog?! ;-)

I know what you say is true. I know it deep down. Knowing it and doing something about it are two different things.

Bodhi said...


Sing it Sista!


freakgirl said...

It's easy for me to say.

I'm straight and proud. Well, proud most of the time. Sometimes I'm downright embarassed on behalf of my people.

Michael Guy said...

Michael! (insert CHER slap here) "SNAP out of it!"

Honey: I know all about wants and desires and shoulda's and coulda's. I'm staying put because of the real estate. How cruel fate is that? I refuse to walk in my own light because my fucking shadow might bite me on my ass.

Go figure. Private therapy; 3 years. That's the best I could come up with for words of wisdom today. Sucks to be me.

Michael said...

Ooh, some tough love. Y'all know how to do me right.

Bodhi said...

I'm gay and proud. Its easy for me now to say as well. Frankly, I don't give a damn how anyone else thinks or reacts to that. I make no apologies. I am completely comfortable and at ease with myself. I don't need your acceptance ... but I will take your love.

So what if it only took me 40 years. In the immortal words of Emmett Honeycutt, my flame burns bright :-)

The Other Andrew said...

Michael, we only want the best for you. Seriously. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Remember all those signs and sigils a while back? The ones that predicted change and change for the better? All you have to do is start the ball rolling.

Fear of being poor huh? What about fear of being unhappy?

Michael said...

Thanks, Bodhi. I don't feel ashamed either, it's just that I've trapped myself in a place where my business would collapse if people knew. A prison of my own design. But I'm busting out.

And good point, Andrew. What's worse, right? I have many, many moments of happiness in my life, but the undercurrent is sadness and isolation. It KILLS me to type that because it sounds so self-pitying, which I'm not. I know I have life by the ass with a wonderful family, good friends, great health and a means to a good living. I am taking baby steps, doing the last bit of readying to sell my house, taking care of licensing issues with moving to another state, etc. I need to kick it in the ass, though.

Honestly, I can't say how much I appreciate the words of encouragement. This lil' corner of the blog world has been a fucking OASIS for me over the last year or so. Or better, a lifeline. Have I mentioned I used to be a lifeguard? ;-)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The Other Andrew said...

This is a pretty cool medium to connect with people, is it not? I mean, even if you never meet face-to-face you can still connect with other people. Sort like pen-pals, only more so.

Your personality and humour leaps off the screen, and you're not afraid to share of yourself, which makes us care about you all that much more. I'm glad this is an oasis for you.

freakgirl said...

"Your personality and humour leaps off the screen, and you're not afraid to share of yourself, which makes us care about you all that much more."

Andrew says it much better than I can - he's right.

Michael said...

He's a peach, isn't he? ((even when I'm a dick)) And so are you for reiterating. Y'all are inspiring me to speed it the fuck up. Change, that is.

leanangle said...

I am a lost Catholic, a breeder, straight, conservitive, the antithisis of you in some ways but I really like the way you write. There is a feeling behind the words. I find it calming.

A Navajo that is a Methodist minister told me that "conflict preceeds change" I have found it to be true in my life. For 35 years I floated so high I wondered when the botton was going to fall out. It did. The last five years have been for shit. I had to really rewire my outlook, challenge my spiritual position, accept the fact that 21 is gone, gone gone.

Then I was scared because what seemed to be within my control is not in my control at all, and it never was.

So I let it go - now I act as I have nothing to lose, I don't.

One day all of us shall take a dirt nap. If you want to act, act. The only other choice is to accept and many of those things we accept are unacceptable. Most unacceptable is the need to be accepted by someone else at your own expense. Act.

Michael said...

Act. Maybe I'll have that tattooed. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and your story, leanangle. I can feel what you're saying. Maybe we're not so different in the end.