Sunday, May 21, 2006

When you give it to me, give it to me raw, no OJ, no straw

Man, I'm having a lazy Sunday. For proof, look no further than my recent analysis of the Q-tips box, which comes with a disclaimer, y'all. To wit:
WARNING: Do not insert swab into ear canal. Entering the ear canal could cause injury. If used to clean ears, stroke the swab gently around the outer surface of the ear only. Keep out of reach of children.
Who are they kidding with this shit? I don't know about you, but I don't buy Q-tips to detail the grout around the tub and I certainly don't dust musical instruments with them. So let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we? If you've been around here long, you know plenty about my borderline obsessive personal hygiene proclivities, so you may as well know this: I am a Q-tips hog, people. Do I dare to enter my ear canal, you ask? Fuck yeah. Dude, I usually feel violated after. But in a good way. I don't do myself jailhouse-style, though. I lube it up with some mineral oil and go to town, muthafuckas.

So, now the question is this: can I get more mundane? Stick around. I'm just getting started. And while we're on the Q-tips tip (hee), be careful if you Google Image search for these wee swabs. It's a great big wild world out there and not for the faint of heart.


Michael Guy said...

Would this be a good time to own the truth about trying to stick one in my wiener as a kid? I was precocious for my age group. Yep.

The Other Andrew said...

Ouch. MG. I just retracted into my body at the thought of it.

I don't use them (for either use) instead I get my ears syringed out regularly. The doc shoots something warm and liquid into your ear under high pressure. I'm pretty sure it's water. I always pay extra, you know, just in case.

Michael said...

MG, precocious? Yeah, we'll go with that. Begs the question of what else went where else?

TOA, I do that at home. It's a trick I learned back in my scuba days. Three days of dripping mineral oil in, then the high pressure syringe. Clean as a whistle. Between that and the neti and my other orifi fixations, I actually do. Whistle. From all ends, if the wind hits just right.

Michael Guy said...

"Scuba days?" Jesus. I am really going down today. Can't compete. Don't stand a chance. RE: 'what else where' children have such tiny fingers.

Michael said...

children have such tiny fingers.....There's a sweatshop joke in there somewhere, but alas, it eludes me.

Scuba days are long gone, sadly. Although, if I get to Australia and the Great Barrier Reef, I might just have to polish my regulator again.