Monday, October 31, 2005

Cuz you'll get banked something sweet, Ice Cube and Da Lench Mob is jackin' for beats

Like Ice Cube and Da Lench Mob, this dude used to jack for beats. Only in his case, it was jackin' off. I used to watch. It's confession time once again here at Pipedreams and this will not be casting me in a good light. So why am I doing it? If you're reading this, you have a right to know what kinda perv you're dealing with, I figure. So there was this site I used to check out. Not regularly, mind you, but from time to time when I felt like hanging out with some freaks and gays to talk smack and laugh. Kind of like somewhere else we know. So there was this guy (pictured) who was kinda cool and he was all into hip-hop and a bit thug-like and, well, need I say more? The way the site (Flirt4Free) worked was you could chat someone up for nothin', but then if you slipped him some coin, he'd do pretty much what you asked, within reason. Like I said, this guy was kinda cool (oh, I know, he's wearing a fade in the picture, but otherwise!), so I'd privatize him occasionally. I can feel your pride in me from here. Wait, it gets worse. Most guys, when they were paying, would have the dude get naked and jack it, right? Well, when Malcolm up there saw that I was paying, he knew he'd have to pump and flex (he had great quads and good ass), possibly dance wearing only his leather jacket, and then tear shit up. You heard me. You know how brothas be wildin'? I'd have him rage and throw shit around. Once, a chair he threw bounced off a futon and back into his head. That's right, in essence I paid him to self-inflict a scalp lac, people. That was the best. Ummm, anyone still around? If you are, remind me to tell you about the guy on there who could wrap his foreskin around a Coke can.

33 comments:

Bodhi said...

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. I am truly shocked, nay even somewhat a little appalled at your indiscreet revelations to us here at the blog. I had no idea that you were such a ...

ummm, give me a sec...

they want my credit card details ...

freakgirl said...

This may be your greatest post ever.

The Other Andrew said...

Gettin' our freak on at the 'dreams!

Michael said...

bodhi, I understand your shock. If it helps, I never had Fidel and the boys out during. Is it still 24.95 US for 10 minutes?

freakgirl, you revel in my shame. I relate to that.

Andrew, it's kind of homey, isn't it?

The Other Andrew said...

$24.95 for 10 minutes? I hope you got, you know, value for your money at that price. (BTW - call me, I'm cheaper.) He's quite a piece though, I can understand the appeal.

Michael said...

Like I said, I never even took it out. I would make him laugh and then I would let him go OFF because I sense he needed to. It was all more for him than me, possibly. Do you believe that shit? He's got some Pakistani blood in him, all olive and whatnot. Mmmm. "Malcolm" is tattooed across his chest. Not his name. He was copying Tupac's tat. Also, he isn't gay, or even bi, but he could still fit not one, not two, not three, but FOUR fingers in, gentleman. Curious. Finally (oh, I could go on and on) he once had about 30 clothespins on his sack. The springloaded style. Good times. One more. If asked nicely, he would hang a vice grips from the end of his wanger.

The Other Andrew said...

Ooooh and owwww! (You know I am nothing if not a curry queen, so you had me at 'part Pakistani'.)

"It was all more for him than me, possibly. Do you believe that shit?"

Oddly, I do. You're a giver. We love that about you.

Bodhi said...

..and this from a man who calls me evil, people.

Dude, I am just so .. so ... sooo ..

impressed

Michael said...

I didn't have him do all that stuff, mind you. It was of his own accord.

Michael said...

Gettin' our freak on at the 'dreams!

P.S. That made me laugh. The 'dreams. Hee.

Michael said...

Since this is now a full-on porn site, you know who else used to be on there in days of yore? Johnny Brosnan, the backpack toting ingenue from "Out of Athens"!

The Other Andrew said...

Johnny Brosnan? Que? I just did a google image search and even The Oracle went "eh?"

Just what am I missing out on? I NEED to be informed!

Bodhi said...

"I didn't have him do all that stuff, mind you. It was of his own accord."

Sure Mikey, What-ever

Excuse, justification and rationalization, Oh how I love thee.

Michael said...

Johnny Brosnan was the bottomy ingenue of the classic "Out of Athens" I and II. Oh, how I love the nonsensical plot of the poor dolt who just wants to fit in with the boys of the Harvard crew team. How they all end up in Athens and how him blowing them all in succession is somehow considered a hazing ritual, well, it's beyond me but who really cares for sense in these matters?

Bodhi, also, did you know that, depending on the candle, the was can really leave burns about the pecs and nipples?

The Other Andrew said...

You are out of control man, you are gettin' freaky on the interweb!

PS. yeah I know what you mean, always been glad I don't have a hairy chest too. Wax meet hairy chest, ouch.

Michael said...

I am hairy, depending on when you come a callin'.

The Other Andrew said...

You mean like '40 Year Old Virgin' hairy?

Bodhi said...

Umm, Mikey - I know Dude.

The virgin hairy, huh? No wonder it was an immaculate conception ...

Spank you hairy crutch - I'll be here all week :-)

Michael said...

Not THAT hairy. Not back hairy. Not thatch hairy.
It's nice actually. You get to choose.

Stephen in Atlanta said...

I'd sure like to hear about the coke can...

savante said...

Why shocked? I think I'm more than a little titillated. Tell us more.

Paul

savante said...

Why shocked? I think I'm more than a little titillated. Tell us more.

Paul

Jen said...

I have to concur with Freakgirl -- this may indeed be your greatest post yet, Michael. Maybe you could make this sort of thing a regular feature, you know, like Porn Mondays at Pipedreams.

I too would like to hear about the Coke can -- a thing I am horrified to learn about myself but there it is. I'm curious.

I can't stand hairy, so I became a dyke, and lo and behold, it's a fucking religion amongst the enviro-dykes to REFUSE TO SHAVE. Damn girls, groom yourselves up a little, yo. I don't care which gender you pick -- or even if you pick one -- I really don't, just clean up the 'stache before you come at me all puckered.

Michael said...

When you look back through the archives, you can't help but feel that "greatest post ever" is kinda faint praise, though. I always strive to set the bar low, jen. Porn Monday sounds like a great idea. Guys, you'll have to come back next week to hear about Freaky Foreskin boy. And believe me, the Coke can is just the tip of the iceberg. As it were.

You can't stand hairy, jen? Just see if I spoon you again, bitch. Although, as I said, it gives me options. Who am I kidding? I'd shave for you, baby. Funny story about shaving. My sister and I were at a New Years party long ago and this woman passed out, half under the buffet table. Her business end was sticking out and her skirt was hiked up. I was all, "What is....wha?" My sister briefly cocked her head to the side, for a better perspective I guess, and then replied, "Yep, that's a baldy."

The Other Andrew said...

::gulp:: Sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little.

I never understood the appeal of baldness down below, regardless of gender. I mean, it looks, well, weird to me. Like pre-pubescent or something.... ::shudder::

I'm no fan of out of control forrestation either, but the happy middle ground is well, nicer.

Michael said...

Amen, sister. I keep things tidy. Just enough to keep the natives from getting restless. Well, sometimes I do shave my chest clean as a whistle.....and my nuts are pretty close-cropped, but the bald on top (down there) is just creepy to me.

Jen said...

"Yep, that's a baldy."

SO. WRONG.

Michael said...

It was kinda like looking at a topographical map in a way.

The Other Andrew said...

Yup, still wrong.

Michael said...

And in your case, it'd be a topo map without a legend, I imagine, eh?

The Other Andrew said...

Exactly. I'd need more than a map, and I mean no offence here ladies, but I aint never seen one in the flesh (so to speak).

Michael said...

They call it a box, but it ain't no box of kittens, yo. I always made sure to take my lenses out before approaching it. Also, no offense, ladies. ;-)

The Other Andrew said...

You just always gotta push it to that next level, don'tcha?

I love that about you.