Wednesday, October 26, 2005

One more cup of coffee for the road, one more cup of coffee 'fore I go

Work has been hella busy (can I still say 'hella'?) all month and today was no exception. Only I take off at noon on Wednesday, so I can't really complain. Six hours and I'm gone. I grabbed a quick bite for lunch, some broccoli and a nice piece of fish. You have to say that last bit with your best Yiddish accent. C'mon, play along. Then I was off to the gym. I worked out HARD muthafuckas. Damned if I think I can actually get those abs I'm shootin' for, but I'm gonna die tryin'. I'm doing a whole body weight workout, emphasizing the gay muscles (pecs and delts and bis), natch, three to four days a week and then running three to four days a week. Plus abs. I'm tired just thinking of it. I was tired on my way home from the gym, too, but I picked up my groceries anyway. Veggies, fruit, chicken, fish, bean curd.....I sound fun, don't I?

OK, here's where I'm gonna Tarantino this story a little (Dane Cook fans, holla!). Let's go back a little. Four of five years ago there was this boy in the neighborhood who took a shine to me. He was ten or eleven at the time. He was a bright kid. Funny, articulate, friendly and always polite with adults and interested in talking to them. You know, gay. So anyway, he was always talking to me when I was working outside, sometimes to the detriment of my getting anything accomplished. Nice kid, like I said, but he could go on. I enjoyed talking to him, but eventually I'd have to cut him short by going inside. Until he started following me in. Eventually, he even started letting himself in. Whether I was home or not. I worried about this, not because I thought he'd steal something or break something, but what would you think of a 30 y.o. single man who had a ten year old coming in and out of his house? Well, before I had a chance to worry too long, his dad was transferred to another city and they were gone. Now, back in the present, I saw him today when I stopped for a doppio at the coffee house near the grocery. The family's moved back. He's doubled in size, an awkward and shy teenager now, but I recognized him instantly. He's plenty gay, too, as I thought. He's not so talkative anymore. He looks around furtively. He stares, then he blushes. The difference? Sure, maybe he's just being a teenager, but I think also it's that now he knows he's gay. Probably knows I am. He looks kinda sad. I wanted to tell him it's OK. I wanted to tell him there's nothing wrong with him. I wanted to give him a hug and say, "Hey buddy, don't make the mistakes I did. You just be gay!" But I didn't. I chatted him up for a few minutes, took my espresso, and left.


The Other Andrew said...

Gah, I was that quiet, polite child at that age. Always described by friends' parents as 'nice', 'mature' and 'level headed'.

I'm still polite, except when the smartass rears its crowd pleaser head. I soon discovered I had a second gear, Court Jester. If you're the Shortest Gay In The Village it helps to make 'em laugh.

Then of course I got to 14 and discovered boys and became a horny teenager. The rest is history.

Michael said...

I went SO LONG feeling bad and pretending. I don't want that for anyone else. I wanted to hug him, or maybe me from then.

Michael said...

Even now, to be completely honest. People at work think I'm straight and I don't do anything to make them think otherwise. I have moms and grandmas and aunties and friends trying to fix me up with women ALL the time. Cute girls. Smart girls. So if I'd just fess up, maybe they'd have cute, smart guys for me, huh?

The Other Andrew said...

I think most of us can 'pass' if we put our minds to it. I'm no huge flamer, but I don't go to great lengths to hide it either. I've been able to be out pretty much everywhere I have worked in the past 15 years or so. So I have been fortunate. Only encountered covert homophobia once. (Asshole)

I know what you mean about this kid. I would have liked to have had someone older tell me it'll all be alright, but I was so desperate to get laid at 14 & 15 that I probably would have gotten myself (and them) into all sorts of strife.

I got involved with a youth group for gay teens when I was about 17 (and then later helped run the group), so having gay peers was great. When I was 18 I started doing telephone counselling, and all the other guys at the counselling service were much older, so it was nice to make friendships with older gay 'mentors' too. I was pretty fortunate.

wingedman said...

Oh Oh I get a little shiver when I hear you describe your gay muscles. Remember to eat lots of protein!

And yes it's plenty weird that that 10 year old kid would suddenly cling to you just like that? Would he know you're gay? Or did he maybe have a crush on you even at that age.

Maybe you should have given him your number? Y'know, "If you need someone to talk to". Or would that have been too weird?

Michael said...

That's exactly how I felt. What is appropriate? I just wanted to save him (young me?) a lot of time and heartache.
There is a line I like, and I can't remember who said it. "My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it."
I could be setting a better example, sans the outright lies and all the rest of the coy.

Michael said...

P.S. Will, if you saw my gay muscles you might indeed shiver, but I doubt it'd be with delight. I'm a work in progress.

Also, did my Madonna comment over at Confetti In The Wind get deleted for content?

wingedman said...

Mike, I didn't get any comments from you over the madonna post. Perhaps you typed in the wrong word verification?

Please post again!! You know I'd never delete a word if it's from ya!

Michael said...

Those verifications ARE getting trickier! I went back and threw my 2 bits in about Madge.....and that sculpted God on Earth.