The ham's not the only thing getting glazed (Drinking my way through the holidays)

Earlier my mom asked me if I wanted to go to 8 o'clock mass with her or 10 o'clock mass with my sisters. Ah, it's true what they say-- laughter is a wonderful gift.

Did you know they made a sparkling shiraz? Why didn't you tell me!?! I was making num-num sounds all afternoon and Eve.

I have to dash right now, but remind me to tell you about my soulful rendition of "Breaking Free" from our Wii High School Musical Karaoke tourney last night. Not a dry eye in the house, people. Boy, who knew pre-schoolers would be such crybabies when you kick their asses all over the place in a singing competition?

Merry, merry, y'all!

It's not nice to fool Mother Nature

Have I learned nothing from 70s margarine commercials? I'm fresh from my traditional Sunday morning long run. The forecast was for rain, sleet, snow and winds gusting up to 50 mph. If I haven't mentioned it, I relish conditions like that. If I may borrow from horse-racing parlance, I'm a mudder. You say "sloppy mess" and I say "bring it." I think it has something to do with my hardworking German heritage. Specifically, my time on the East German women's Olympic swim team. Regardless, I'm here to tell you that after you've been blown into a wet ditch behind the Pizza Hut, you begin to rethink the hubris of defying the elements. Seriously, blown into a wet ditch. I wouldn't lie to you.

Or maybe it was just instant karma for tainting that last sweet post with talk of getting my cigar smoked by some randomness? Blowjob, blown into a ditch, nice twist there, Universe. Anyway, speaking of my taint.....

ADDED: Here's a little visual proof of my ditchity pursuits.I know, it doesn't look like much, but that's like the only few inches of my skin that was exposed. Freezing cold here, remember?

One more drifter in the snow

At 10:00 last night I was in the parents' front yard having a snowball fight with my sister and her kids. We were all in pajamas. I don't need anything else for Christmas.

ADDED: OK, actually I'd also like a toothy blowjob from some hirsute daddy I haven't met yet.

He needs me to do WHAT now?

The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
- Eric Hoffer

Count your blessings, lambs

I was speaking with a 79 year old woman just now. Lovely lady, although a crooked wig distracted from her fine features. Anyway, she said her stress has been very high. When I asked her about it, she said her husband has been in a nursing home for eight years, with Parkinson's and dementia, and now he doesn't recognize her anymore. So sad! THEN she said her favorite sister, who she's spoken with on the phone every night for as long as she can remember, came down with fungal pneumonia (needless to say, not good) three weeks ago and they are taking her off life support today. For Pete's sake. Right before Christmas? I couldn't help myself. We hugged it out.

Count your blessings, my lambs, and hug someone you love today.

Fuck me if these goddamned holidays don't make me maudlin every year!

How do I lube me? Let me count the ways

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was briefly taken aback by how much I lubricate myself. It happened gradually, I guess, but now I find that I'm anointing myself with oils, creams and lotions from head to toe. Care to join me as I step out of the shower? While still wet, I douse myself shoulders to ankles with Neutrogena Body Oil (unscented). Then it's face time, with Lush Eau Roma Water, followed closely by Aveda All-Sensitive Moisturizer. I'm in my 40s now, so the eyes need a lil' extra attention, non? Tourmaline Charged Eye Creme. Smack my lips with some Honey Trap, and I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille. Well, except for hands and feet, where I'm back to the Aveda Aesthetique, for Hand Relief and Foot Relief.

I'm worth it, right? IT'S worth it. Right? Oh dear. I'm ridiculous.

You better get to livin', givin', don't forget to throw in a little forgivin'

I've been loving all over Dolly's new song since Freakgirl posted the video (the extended version with Miss Amy Sedaris!) on her blog. Who doesn't love them some Dolly? I'm askin'. Then yesterday on Towleroad, I saw a few snippets of the interview she did recently with Jake Shears. Too much fabulousness on one satin-y bed spread!

God, I don't know who I'd wanna hug first. OK, yeah, Dolly, but Jake is SO CUTE.

Fairytale of New York

This is lately one of my favorite Christmas songs. Thanks, Freakgirl!

Woe is me

I have a zit brewing inside my nose. Is there anything worse? Oh sure, I know, there's war and famine and pestilence. I'm talking AFTER those.

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I ain't comin' back

Yes, that title does allude to my current mood, but mostly it's just to let you know that I spent a goodly portion of my weekend down time finishing up the Firefly DVDs. For the third time. Those last two hours, The Message and Objects In Space, are two of my favorite television episodes in, like, ever. Humor, suspense, pathos; this show crackled from beginning to its (too soon) end.

When you can't run anymore, you crawl. And when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.

I cried. AND we're back at my mood again.

Grrrrrrr........

The roads were terrible this weekend with the winter storm. Snow, then rain, then freezing rain, then snow again. And blowing. No Sweeney Todd! I had cabin fever already by Sunday afternoon, so I dug out my driveway and decided to go my gym. I got there, and it was closed. Of course, I could have easily discovered that if I'd only called ahead. So I bought another paper (because the Sunday Chicago Tribune is bound to have WAY different news than the Dayton Daily, right?) and a bottle of wine and went home.

Today, I am a grumpy bear.

Light me up and get on with it

Where's the goram Heat Miser when you need him?

SNOW WILL DEVELOP ACROSS THE AREA SATURDAY MORNING. THE SNOW WILL MIX WITH SLEET AND FREEZING RAIN AT TIMES...PARTICULARLY SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND EVENING. THE PRECIPITATION WILL THEN CHANGE BACK TO ALL SNOW AND CONTINUE INTO SUNDAY MORNING. TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATIONS OF 6 TO 10 INCHES ARE EXPECTED THROUGH SUNDAY MORNING. SOME ICE ACCUMULATION OF ONE TO TWO TENTHS OF AN INCH ARE POSSIBLE. WITH GUSTY WINDS NEAR 40 MPH...AREAS OF BLOWING SNOW WILL OCCUR SUNDAY.

And I was going to see the touring production of Sweeney Todd in Columbus this weekend. It's Sondheim people! There is no justice in the universe.

Being close and being clever
Ain't like being true
I don't need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some...

This guy scares the shit out of me

Mike Huckabee leads in the latest Republican primary polls. Seriously? I've never felt so queer or different as when I consider a world where this can be.

I started to think and then I was all, "This is too hard!"

The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
- HL Mencken

The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity.
- Robertson Davies

Sing a new song, Chiquitita

The holidays getting you down? Here's your antidote. What can a video do? Oh, darling, your ennui doesn't have a prayer against these mostly blonde folks, some with sunglasses jauntily perched atop their heads. Or their ginormous leering snowman.

You're welcome.

It's hard out here for a pimp

I saw No Country For Old Men today. Here are a few impressions:

1. Watching this movie is as close as you'll get to reading a Cormac McCarthy novel without actually reading one. The language is precise and gorgeous, but if you're looking for tidy, this isn't your country, old man.
2. Even though it's McCarthy's voice, the Coen brothers' stamp is unmistakable.
3. Javier Bardem or Tommy Lee Jones, or possibly both, will be nominated for an Oscar, and deservedly so.
4. This movie contains some of the most suspenseful scenes I've experienced in a theater. Part of it is you learn early on that graphic violence will occur with no notice.
5. The other part is that Javier Bardem creates a screen villain for the ages in Anton Chigurh.
6. It's easily one of the best films I've seen this year, friend-o.

I feel pretty

With all the snow and bad roads, things are slow here at work. What's a boy to do but browse cars online? How about a rear-wheel drive sports coupe for the snow belt? This thing is sex on wheels, isn't it? Auto porn.

There's no Koz for alarm

That's what I'm telling myself anyway. They forecasted 1-3 inches of snow for last night. We have at least five and it's still coming down. Tonight and tomorrow morning they are predicting a "wintry mix" which usually involves snow, ice and sleet in some infernal mix. Now I'm not normally one of those weather Chicken Littles (who are, as I type, clearing the grocery shelves of bread and milk.....is French Toast the de rigeur foodstuff for a blizzard?), but if this damnable precip keeps me from seeing Dave Koz, well, ummmm, then it does, I guess? Yeah, I was never that great at righteous indignation. So as much as I'd like to say that I'll be there hell or high water, I'll be honest. Weather permitting, I'll see you tomorrow, Cap'n Koz.

ADDED: David Mixner just released a list of his People of the Year. Yo, check DK out.
John Edwards? Brangelina? Nancy Pelosi? The Burmese monks? Not bad company, Brotha Dave.

ADDED: Ummm, can you say MULTIPLE GRAMMY NOMINEE? I thought that you could. Dave's "At the Movies" CD and his stirring take on "Over the Rainbow" were both nominated in the Pop Instrumental category. Huzzah!

Cooking with Koz

Yes, please! Dave does a segment on his drive time Smooth Jazz radio show where he shares some of his favorite quick, easy and delicious recipes. I've tried a few and they are all of the above. Brotha does love his pasta, though. Good thing he's all kinds of active on stage to burn that off. I think he ought to raffle off a chance to cook with Koz. Right? Should I win, do you think he would whisper Fusilli with Gorgonzola and Walnut Sauce in my ear? If I asked real nice? Poetry!

Just two more days until the Koz Christmas Express blows into Ohio to bring some cheer to Cowlumbus and parts near. They are going to be at the gorgeous Palace Theater. You should come! We'll have some warm alcoholic beverage together at intermission if you do. Verily I say unto you, "There might be cinammon sticks!" And peace and joy and whatnot.

PS I just noticed that I'm the #2 hit when you search blogs for Dave Koz. Oh, it's ON!

When reality queens collide......

.......it makes a loud swishing sound. This makes me happier than I can say. Too much adorable! (via)

I can still hear the screams

My own. I was a homeowner for something like 15 years with no vermin. I've rented for two months and last night I had a mouse in the house. Under the sink, in the little trashbin! At least he was conveniently pre-packaged for disposal. How soon do you think I can move?

The way my pants are fitting lately, I would have chosen famine over pestilence, but nobody asked.

And that's the revolutionary Koz-tume for today

So I'm thinking dark jeans, that super-soft argyle sweater I picked up at the Banana, and a mushroom-y fine-wale corduroy blazer. And my favorite brown loafers, natch. What? Oh, I'm talking about what I'll wear to see Dave Koz and his merry band of holiday revelers on Saturday night. I have mentioned that I'm going to the see Dave Koz & Friends 10th Anniversary Smooth Jazz Christmas concert in Columbus this weekend at the Palace Theater, right? I'm sure I have.Kimberley Locke is along for the jingle-y ride, and I know it's a Christmas concert and everything, but do you suppose she'll sing "Band of Gold" anyway? After all, the crowd is sure to be full of Koz-mos, and you know there's nothing like a diva doing her dance hit to get the brethren going.

So what do you think? About Kimberley and about my outfit, I mean.

Im in ur Edin pettin ur dino

I was going to title this "Before There Were LOL Cats", but that's just silly because of course they had domesticated animals back then, too. Duh! I've been laughing at these all morning. Thanks to NoFo for pointing me here.

Kountdown to Koz

Yes, I spelled countdown with a "K". If you've lived in the rural Midwest for any time, as I have, you'll realize that EVERY hair salon owner for 100 miles does wacky shit like that, so why, oh why, can't I? Korner Kutz. The Mane Attraction. Hair Root 66. And that's just in my neighborhood.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, KOZ! If you've been around here much, you know I raved about the Dave Koz concert I enjoyed this summer at the Fraze Pavilion. OK, yes, I did gush a bit, but DK has so much energy on stage (see: frisky kick), and it might sound strange, but I swear it's like he's singing through the saxophone. If I may borrow a phrase from Tiffany "New York" Patterson, I was totally feelin' him. Plus, adorable!Right? He's making some bold choices with that suit which speaks to his temperament, I think. It also speaks to my pants. Fact! So, I'm seeing him again this weekend at his holiday concert tour stop in Columbus. Anyone up for stagedoor johnny-ing him with me? Sounds dirtier than it is, yo.So that means ALL WEEK I'll be plugging his tour, his CD, his radio show, and possibly even his website, all the while keeping a respectable distance, naturally.

Do you think this might score me a backstage pass or something?

I know he has fan clubs, but I wonder if there's one specifically targeting our tribe. Cuz I've totally got the perfect name: The Koz-mos. See what I did?

Dave Koz, y'all!

Slice up the fruitcake!

It's December this weekend, y'all! Time to cue up the Christmas tunes. I'm dying to know your favorites. Mine? So so many, but I think my most cherished holiday song is "We Need A Little Christmas" from Mame. Imagine that-- a showtune. Yeah, I know. You're plotzing.

If you're looking for something more contemporary, you really can't go wrong with the Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS Holiday CD. All the Broadway companies record songs every year for this compilation. I've been buying it for the last few years and it's always a fun mix of traditional and decidedly non-traditional fare. And your twenty bucks goes to a good cause. You can buy it here.

Out, damn'd spot(maker)!

Do yourself a favor and head on over to Faustus's joint. Once there, read the funniest thing I've seen in months.

This is who I am and this is what I like

On the 14th anniversary of the military's mind-boggling Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, 28 retired Generals and Brigadier Generals have released a statement urging its repeal. If you watched the CNN/YouTube Republican debate, you heard many of the candidates say that their support of DADT is in respect of the best judgment of those in the military. Here's the text of the letter:

We respectfully urge Congress to repeal the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Those of us signing this letter have dedicated our lives to defending the rights of our citizens to believe whatever they wish. As General Colin Powell, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs said when the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy was enacted, it is not the place of the military or those in senior leadership to make moral judgments.

Scholarly data show that there are approximately one million gay and lesbian veterans in the United States today, as well as 65,000 gays and lesbians currently serving in our armed forces. They have served our nation honorably.

We support the recent comments of another former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General John Shalikashvili, who has concluded that repealing the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy would not harm, and would indeed help, our armed forces. As is the case in Britain, Israel, and other nations which allow gays and lesbians to serve openly, our service members are professionals who are able to work together effectively despite differences in race, gender, religion, and sexuality. Such collaboration reflects the strength and the best traditions of our democracy.

Lieutenant General Jerry Hilmes; Branch: Army
Vice Admiral Harold Koenig; Branch: Navy; Field: Medical
Vice Admiral James Zimble, Midlothian, VA; Branch: Navy; Field: Medical
Major General Leslie Burger, Vancouver, WA; Branch: Army; Field: Medical
Major General Alexander Burgin, Salem, OR; Branch: Army NG; Field: Artillery
Major General Michael Conrad, McLean, VA; Field: Infantry
Major General James Delk, Fair Oaks, CA; Branch: Army; Field: Medical
Major General Jack Farris, New Jersey; Branch: Air Force; Field: Aviation (pilot)
Major General Fred Forster, Tennessee; Field: Aviation
Major General David Hale, Hampton Bays, NY; Field: Combat
Major General Randy Jayne, McClean, VA; Branch: Air NG; Field: Aviation (pilot)
Major General Dennis Laich, Dublin, OH; Branch: Army; Field: Military Police
Major General Dennis Malcor, Vine Grove, KY; Branch: Army; Field: Combat
Major General Michael Scotti*, Arlington, VA; Branch: Army; Field: Medical
Major General Harry Sieben, Minnesota; Branch: Army and Air NG
Rear Admiral William Retz; Branch: Navy
Brigadier General Clara Adams-Ender, Woodbridge, VA; Branch: Army; Field: Medical
Brigadier General Dale Barber, Waverly, NY; Branch: Army; Field: Infantry Engineer
Brigadier General Harold Bowman, Pleasant Hill, IA; Branch: Army NG; Field; Medical
Brigadier General Douglas Bradley, Diablo, CA; Branch: Army; Field: Medical
Brigadier General William Colvin; Branch: Army NG
Brigadier General Bob Hardy; Branch: Army
Brigadier General JD Johnson, Salt Lake City, UT; Branch: Army

What say you now, gentlemen?

You come on like a flame, then you turn a cold shoulder

My workout routine was getting a little stale, so I infused it with some new blood this week. Verily I say unto you, my flock, SQUATS are the Devil's instrument. My quads are SCREAMING right now. (PS? They scream like a girl.) It's actually kinda good, though, you know? Like Mom used to say, 'It's a fine line between pleasure and pain.' Oh wait. Ewww. No, she used to say it's a fine line between joy and sorrow. The thing is, she only started saying that after she was too cheap or lazy to shop for a new card, and she sent me an old condolence card on my 21st birthday. Then all of a sudden this joy/sorrow, life/death dichotomy was her mantra. You just have to love that cheap old ho.

Deck the halls

Maybe all my bluster the last few years about not being into Christmas any more was just that. Bluster. This picture makes me swoon. Maybe it's just the beauty of it, independent of Christmas. Anyway, you can click to enlarge, but if you're like me, make sure you're sitting. It makes my knees buckle-y. Can't you just imagine opening your presents by that tree, and then bangin' your sweetie, all warm and toasty by the stone fireplace?

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Or would it? I had a man in my office just now whose smell just about drove me wild. It definitely drove me to distraction. I didn't ask what he was wearing, because this is a professional setting and it just didn't seem appropriate as I don't know him that well. Yet. Whatever it was, his scent shot straight to the most basic areas of my brainstem, mofos. This shit was limbic. Primordial.

I wonder how much differently (if at all) men and women smell things, and what smells appeal to the sexes differently. Would that scent have been as good to me on a woman? Are the scents they engineer for women designed to appeal to men or to the woman who buys it? Some scents just ooze sex, and that can be independent of the wearer. I've had a female friend who preferred to wear scents marketed to men. They still smelled great to me, but I never did have the urge to bury my face in her neck like I did with this guy today. I could have suffocated on this guy's neck (or in his armpit) and died a happy man.

That is all.

I can dream of the old days...life was beautiful then

I was thinking about the way memories work and how they can be tied to senses. You know how some memories are just a sound or a smell or a picture? Then others can be like watching a short video. I have one particular and cherished memory that I've played over and over in my head for almost as long as I can remember. Wanna hear? OK, I was a young boy of maybe six or seven. It was a spring day and I'd just walked home from school with my friends from the block. I know I did that, but the details of that really aren't there. Here's where it gets vivid. I ran into the kitchen because Mom was there and she had all the windows thrown open while she was cleaning. A cool breeze was making the sheer curtains dance away from the windows, the sunshine was glowing in, and there she stood in jeans and a button down shirt tied at the waist, her blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. She gave me her smile and asked me how my day was going. I can remember my little boy self thinking she was just the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

I've often wondered why it's THAT day or THAT time I remember. Was that such a special moment because it rarely happened or just because I've thought about it over and over all these years? Over thirty years later and it can still make me feel warm and comforted. I just realized that she was years younger than I am now.

You don't know me at all

Why do people feel the need to inflict their (lack of) taste on me? Two things:

1. If you've been around here, you know I recently sold my house. I've moved to an apartment while I decide where I'm going. It's a semi-attached duplex. New neighbors moved into the other half last week. I met the dude for the first time this afternoon when he knocked on the door, introduced himself, and promptly asked if he could hang icicle lights across the front of my house, as he was doing his side. What the? Yes, of course, because fucking BLUE icicle lights require continuity. For what? TASTE'S sake? We'd just met and I didn't want to seem difficult and so I said it would be fine. Oh, shutup. Yeah, I know, I'm a pushover. Now, for the next month, I get to be haunted by the sight of that dangling blue mess every time I drive in from work. Ugh! I know I made my icicle-y bed and now I have to lie in it, but if he trots out a verchacte inflatable Santa or Frosty, all bets are off. PS Why are those things deflated half the time? Who wants a puddle of Christmas in their front yard anyway?

2. When I moved here I decided to have one of my sofa's re-upholstered. It was of good quality, and I liked the shape of it, but the upholstery had seen better days. I figured it was wiser to spend $600 or so to rehab it, rather than the expense of replacing it. Well, last night they delivered it, and the upholsterer took it upon herself to round the goddamned corners on the back cushions. Did she call and ask if that's what I wanted? No, she did not. The fuck? She's a client of mine, so again, I didn't want to make a fuss or seem difficult, so I didn't say anything. I didn't complain that she'd ruined the clean, squared-off lines of my sofa. Argh!

I know what you're thinking. If I'm gonna complain about this, I should have said something to the people involved. What I'm trying to say is why would these people presume to think I'd share their taste? Or that they have any level of taste at all? Because no.

I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home

It's a mid-century modern gingerbread house! Love it.

I was made for lovin' you, baby

If you glance to the right you'll find some of the things I'm loving right now, courtesy of that little Amazon widget. I love a nice widget. Don't you? If you put your cursor on items in that one, my mini-review pops up, and you don't even have to click or get sent over to buy. Fun!

Can you read my mind?

Bear with me on this one. I was driving on Sunday and suddenly thought of this girl I used to see in my office. Not sure why, and I hadn't thought of her in years, but I wondered how she was and what she was up to. Well, today she's scheduled in a few hours. Turns out I haven't seen her since 2001. I randomly thought of her three days ago. Now she's coming in. That actually happens more than you might imagine. So is it that she thought of me, and that made me think of her? Or I thought of her and then she thought of me? Or do I randomly think of hundreds of people a week and it's only when they suddenly come calling that it stands out? I tend to believe the last, but it'd be more fun if it was one of the other two, no?

UPDATE: She's fresh from a year-long stint abroad studying native art on a Fulbright scholarship. Amazing kid.

Look for the bare necessities

I'm speechless. I am without speech. I thought I'd loved on Robbie all the different ways, but this new furry Robbie is making me rethink my aversion to a full-on beard. ::swoons::Like my girl New York, I need my man to be well-faceted. Who else wanna polish that gem?

It's the little things

There was a man in my office just now, eighty years old yesterday, and he was regaling me with stories from his life. He said, "I've had more fun than anyone has a right to." Wow. Can I say that? Can you? He had some great stories to tell, and boy did he have me laughing. Then he said, "Never lose that laugh and you'll be just fine." Now I'm thinking that I have a little bit. Lost that laugh, I mean. Like him, I used to have a lot more fun than anyone has a right to. He made me realize I need to continue making the changes that will get me back to being that man again. Pronto. I know life is not all about FUN or HAPPINESS, but it don't hurt. I also know that I have it awfully good compared to a lot of people, and I should cool it with the whining, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying to make my life MORE, right?

What a cool guy. "I've had more fun than anyone has a right to." I want to be able to say that if I get to 80. So I'll continue to dispense with the fear and move forward. I'll continue to distill my life down to what is important to me. And when I come up with a third "d" verb, I'll let you know, because DISPENSE and DISTILL are just screaming for a third musketeer. It takes THREE verbs to make a kick-ass life mantra. Fact! If you have a suggestion, hit me up in the comments. DISPENSE, DISTILL, DISCUSS is what I'm saying, I guess. ::wink:: Or whatever.

And my head I'd be a scratchin'

I'm here to admit that when Freakgirl told me she had a turducken for Thanksgiving, I initially thought it was some kind of genetically engineered avian hybrid. I know, I know, but is that idea really any more fantastical than someone stuffing a chicken into a duck into a turkey?I'm asking.

It brings to mind the moment when I realized that baby carrots are not actually baby carrots. I'm fairly bright, I swear.

Want to play a little ball, Scarecrow?

Trent Lott, Larry Flynt and a gay escort. It's almost too good to be true, isn't it? Here's hoping that there's a big ol' fire behind all this smoke. (via)

Green with joy then gray with sorrow, ripened fruit that falls tomorrow

I can't focus my brain enough lately, so even composing a coherent blog post seems like TOO MUCH EFFORT. So it's bullet points you'll get, and you'll like it. Until further notice.

• You can call it tourist trap theater, jukebox theater, or even the downfall of American theater, but why does one experience necessarily detract from another? What's that? You mean some people just pick one show and the other's suffer? I hadn't thought of only seeing one thing. Anyway, when you start with ABBA songs, then add gaudy costumes and ebullient choreography, well, then I'm on board, tenuous plotline be damned.Yep, Mamma Mia swung through town and if it's nutritionally barren fast food theater for the masses, consider me sidled up to the trough, y'all, because I loved it. This guy playing Sam Carmichael certainly didn't hurt. When I'm all with the swooning over some dude, and then I go home and find from his website that he's partnered with another theater guy and they have two dogs...it doesn't get any better. Unless he was mine, mine, mine, mine.
• Beowulf in digital 3D rocked my socks! Visually stunning. It's an entertaining ride, too, but it's worth the price of admission for the 3D effect alone. ((The new 3D glasses were kind of Wayfarer-esque, only more Poindexter. Awesome. Will you fault me for keeping them on as I shopped apres-theater?)) This movie wasn't just "spears and arrows" flying out at you 3D, although there is some of that to be sure, it was an entire eye-popping three-dimensional feast of an experience you won't regret. Perfect for a rainy Sunday afternoon. Oh, and our man B, all buff and tumble, likes to battle balls out. Literally. His virtual furry chest gives me actual randy pants.Top that with a sweater sale at Banana Republic and I had a spring in my step the rest of the day.
• Have I ever told you that I'm intimidated by the A-List gays? I saw a couple of them in the theater lobby before Beowulf and even though they couldn't have been more friendly (well, at least one of them...the other guy always has a smirky look), I was all tongue-tied and awkward. I'm not so very sensitive to criticism generally, so I wonder why I'm so worried about making a good impression, that I make a horrible one with the queer elite. Huh.
• This is what I bought at the Banana. You like? It really does play right into my default mildly preppy aesthetic. Should I work on that?
• My love for Christmas music is a bit of an anachronism (see: don't love Christmas, no longer a Christian), but love it I do. I'm a dirty whore for a carol. I cued up the holiday music on my iPod this weekend. Over 350 Christmas songs? Really?
• Speaking of music, I'm still loving all over Billy Bragg, but I'm also falling hard for The Weepies. Their 2005 release, Say I Am You, is just about perfect. Thanks to Landis over at the Two Dog Blog for that recommendation. Deb Talan's voice recalls Natalie Merchant or Harriet Wheeler, or maybe a young Joni Mitchell. Paired up with Steve Tannen, The Weepies are an intoxicating folk-rock quaff. The songs are just gorgeous.
• Like Andrew, I cheated on my hair dude last week, and guys, I'm a little in love with Leticia (LaTisha?). I love my hair and she's so sassy! Unlike Andrew, I haven't full-on made the switch, though. Torn!
  
• More later!
  

A Pipedreams Test

la publicité C-IN² réalisée par Steven Klein JAIL2
Uploaded by 04bastille

For those of you still questioning your sexuality, if you watched that entire video, you're gay.

Next!

via

I want to be a part of it

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down I just listen to this, and everything is OK again. Thanks Midget Mac, you're my VH1 Reality Prozac.And small tongue be damned, with a build like that, you can chop my ass down any time, MM. Many thanks to Freakgirl for turning me on to Tiffany "New York" Patterson branded entertainment.You raise my spirits, too, doll, if not my intellect.

Have a holly, jolly Christmas

Here's a heads-up for ya-- I do not want in on your pyramid scheme. I don't care how revolutionary your dietary supplement is, or how much money it can make for me. If it's so great, I imagine you'll be sitting back and watching the dollars roll in. So you do it. Also, I don't care to take a sample, because even if you promise me there's no obligation and you won't hassle me later, you will and I'll probably even have to get blunt with you. Save us both the trouble.

One more thing. Please don't bring your Blair Witch-lookin' holiday craft project into my office and expect me to feel compelled to buy it. I don't, and I won't.

Happy holidays, y'all!

Just a stranger on the bus

The YouTube Republican debate is coming up. I think these folks deserve an answer. How will these candidates support THEIR family values?

Twice on the pipes if the answer is no

For sixteen years I've owned homes. As you know, my house sold rather quickly this fall and I've rented an apartment until I can decide on my major move. What city? The answer is still hazy. Anyway, when I moved into this place, it was essentially like moving into a much smaller single family home, brand new and nicely outfitted, because there was no one living in the other half. It's a series of what we call duplexes around here, though I know that term has a different connotation in some places, on a small cul-de-sac. Anyway, tonight someone is moving in to the other side. Here's where the rubber meets the road. Will I like ATTACHED living? You already know I'm not a great sleeper. I figure it's gonna key on how loud these people are.

When I'm getting ready for work in the morning, for the first time in sixteen years, I won't have a favorite music mix shivering my timbers to get me ready for my day. Le sigh.

Waiting for my real life to begin

We don't need no education

While you bitches are out whoring around this weekend, yours truly will be stuck indoors doing continuing education. Twelve hours! Ugh. I'm hoping for the best, a vibrant lecture on a scintillating topic, but this joint ain't called Pipedreams for nothin'. Break up the monotony and send me pictures/text/video, why don'tcha? Something fast and nasty.

I only want 2 see u laughing in the purple rain

I thought this op ed was interesting when I read it in USA Today, enough that I revisited it online this morning. In addition to the information it provides about some changing demographics that could affect next year's elections, the online version has the added bonus of COMMENTS from the huddled masses. About what you'd expect. And if you're out there ZoomZoom Diva, you have all my love!

Young man, there's no need to feel down

Sweet fancy Jesus how this made me laugh.

Say hello in there, say hello

I started to apologize for posting another video, but I'm not sorry. This is one of my favorite songs in the world, performed by some of my favorite artists. For a long time I've had a scratchy MP3 of Natalie Merchant and Michael Stipe singing this lovely John Prine song, but I've never seen this video before. It's such a beautiful and simple tune sung by two gorgeous haunting voices. And to find that Billy Bragg is playing that guitar? I know I tend to gush, but I don't think I can describe how happy this makes me. I cried through the whole thing.

I'm sure that we can find some common ground

One of my favoritest people has recently turned me on to Billy Bragg. I'd been aware of him, if only peripherally, through duets he's done with Michael Stipe and Natalie Merchant. Now...now he's my Boo. I've been crushing on him for the last few weeks. Over lunch I burned a new CD chock full of even mo' Bragg, cued it up in the car, and I wasn't even out of the driveway when I had the biggest smile on my face. No really, it was a smile that stretched the corners of my mouth and I think it may have even briefly leapt off my face. And it lasted all the way back to work. So so fun. You know it's a good song when you're singing along the very first time you hear it, and tell me if these aren't some of the best opening lines evah:

I've had relations with girls from many nations
I've made passes at women of all classes
And just because you're gay
I won't turn you away
If you stick around I'm sure that we can find some common ground

Sexuality - Strong and warm and wild and free
Sexuality - Your laws do not apply to me

She's practically perfect in every way

I LOVE this Dr. Berman. She's calm, informed, makes valid points, will not be baited, and that leaves O'Reilly looking like the ridiculous, pandering asshat he is. If she's also Jewish, I could die. (via)

"Around the World" is what I call my wall of special things

Did I tell you I think there's a raccoon in my attic? Or possibly a small family of raccoons. Intellectually I know it's not true (probably), but at night I swear I can hear him/them rustling about up there. It's probably the wind. Only it's not.

Knock, knock....are you alone?

What?! It must be a coincidence. Yeah, that's it. Hang on. Someone's at the door.

You and your advanced degree are still welcome, though!

Get a Cash Advance

You seem like you'd be a good dad

Who was it that blogged recently about certain things being SO BAD that they loop back around to FANTASTIC? Well, I give you Paul Lynde's Halloween Special, ladies and germs. Holy crap. I was up at 2:30 AM, so maybe it was partly the insomnia, but I was in hysterics, and trust when I say there was not one good joke in this masterpiece. Except they all were. Paul Lynde was not so much about the content, people, and ALL about the delivery.

OK, here's the skinny. The show stars Paul Lynde as the character Paul Lynde and his housekeeper, Margaret, is played by Margaret Hamilton. Paul is having all kinds of troubles with the Trick Or Treat crowd, as we see straightaway in a song and dance number where Paul is menaced by a gang of nubile young dancers dressed in devilishly sexy costumes, ending with Paul being sealed off in a trash can by Donny and Marie. The trashcan subsequently explodes, revealing a smoking and disheveled Paul in his frayed and burned up outfit. I figured the show had blown its comedy wad early at this point, but we were just getting fluffed up.

This musical comedy turn of events sets our protagonists off on a trip into the country, away from the maddening crowds of Halloweeners, to visit Margaret's sister. Who is Witchiepoo. Oh, and Margaret is now a witch, too. THE Witch. And their wisecracking houseboy is Billy Barty, who is the brunt of a barrage of short jokes and gags. Genius! Still with me? It gets a little foggy at this point, but for some reason, the witches grant Paul three wishes (are they also genies?). Breaker Breaker 1-9, the first of these wishes has Paul on a circa 1975 trucking escapade complete with CB radios, sequined jumpsuits and silver platform boots, and a competition with Tim Conway for truckstop waitress Pinkie Tuscadero's hand in marriage. Before seeing this, I can't honestly say that's the first thing I would have wished for, but it is now. That Pinkie is leggy. And sassy. I won't apologize.

I could go on and on. How about Paul as a sexy sheik who pursues a proper and British Florence Henderson? I'll venture that theirs is the MOST awkward kissing I've ever seen in a pop culture medium. That's not to include some of the awkward kissing from my own life, natch. Much worse. Boy, when it's your own lips and hands and eyes and tongue that don't know where to land, it really ramps up the cringing. So many Saturday nights. Oh well. Anyway, we're also treated to three numbers by KISS. Weren't they at the height of their popularity in the 70s? The Paul Lynde Halloween Special? Really? Hmmmm, what else? Oh yeah! Florence Henderson croons That Ol' Black Magic!

Needless to say, a new holiday tradition is born at Casa M.E. That's not to say I won't watch it again tonight, and all this week.

So what are you trying to say exactly?

Amazon.com just suggested that I might like to buy 2(x)ist underpants and The Wizard of Oz on DVD.

ADDED: I'm sure Amazon recommended The Wizard of Oz because I recently ordered The Paul Lynde Halloween Special. And he came today! I'll fill you in on the fabulousness later, but to whet your appetite, I'll offer a list of guest stars. Besides the titular host (and honestly, for me, PL is more than enough), we have Billy Barty, Margaret Hamilton (the Wicked Witch of the West), KISS (!), Billie Hayes (aka Witchiepoo), Florence Henderson (Alpha Hag), Roz (Pinkie Tuscadero) Kelly, Donnie and Marie, and Betty frickin' White. I know.

I spy with my little eye

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is on the cover of Details this month. Oh, and he's in white jeans. Suck it, Will and Charlie.

EDITED: I replaced the small pic with a scan of the cover. You can now click to enlarge for full hotness (pornstache and all, FG). Please to enjoy.

From "A Boy's Own Story"

Here he comes, blood drained from his dark cheeks, lips purple and open to reveal wet, white teeth, legs lean and slightly bowed, the calves compact, not bulging, his whole body so intelligent that despite its hairiness nothing about it suggests an animal. He's the cautious, isolated man who sleeps alone, rises before dawn, runs, irons his chinos, pares his beautiful nails that haven't a single ridge or moon in them but that seem built up out of layer after layer of clear lacquer, who never seems to have a headache or hangover, who's a well-maintained machine but idling, idling, who approaches each new experience (the iconostasis doors break open and the black nave floods over with candlelight: Christ is risen) in a spirit of mildly detached curiousity, and yet nothing has touched him. He is vulnerable and he's untouched. He is a man to whom something is about to happen.

Isn't that gorgeous?

Just because

It's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me

If you're a Pasdar tragic, as I am, you'll enjoy all the videos he's been uploading to YouTube over the last few months. He's profiled in this morning's USA Today. (video)

ADDED: I just ordered the Paul Lynde Halloween Special on DVD. What's that? Oh, you know why.

Hmmmm......

There are lots of ways of being miserable, but there's only one way of being comfortable, and that is to stop running round after happiness. If you make up your mind not to be happy there's no reason why you shouldn't have a fairly good time.
- Edith Wharton

When green is all there is to be

I watched Oprah's show yesterday on what it means to be gay in different places around the world. Sobering. Here we worry about marriage equality and protection in the workplace, and rightly so, but there's lots of places where people have much more basic concerns. Is there really so much hate within us? (via)

Heaven is a place like this

Pushing Daisies is the best new show on television. It's not even a horse race, people. Ever since the first week it aired, I've been craving a breakfast buffet, only I want it for every meal and it's not pancakes and such, it's Lee Pace.Add Kristin Chenoweth and Swoosie Motherfuckin' Kurtz and you're just trying to hurt me now. This show is part Tim Burton, part Six Feet Under, part Dr. Seuss, and 100% delightful. Then (then!) this week they throw Raul Esparza (who, you'll recall, ROCKED MY SOCKS as Bobby in the recent Broadway revival of Company) into the mix!?I could die. If you're not already, you need to start watching this show, lambs. You'll wanna come back to The Pie Hole week after week, just like me.

Climb on a back that's strong (and cushioned)

I've been eating, eating, EATING lately. It seems like ever since I was in NYC over Labor Day weekend, the appetite, he cannot be sated. Of course Bingefest '07 (as it's come to be called) also coincides with my house sale. As a consequence, I have some meat on my bones for the first time in a few years. I gotta say, I kinda like it. I mean, I think I'd do me, although I'd avert my eyes from the back fat. Honestly, I'd keep it around but for the way my pants fit. Camel nose.

(And two armadillos wrestling in a grey flannel sack around back)

Fly! Be free!

 

I thought it would be tougher, but I got rid of two containers like this, brimming with books, and it felt good. Instead of collecting dust on my shelves, they'll transport some other folks to interesting times and faraway places. Not that there wasn't a twinge.

ADDED: I just finished mowing my lawn for the LAST TIME. How do I know it's the last time? Well, I move in nine days, but mostly because I sold my lawn mower and they are picking it up tomorrow. I thought I might be a little sad, but I smiled the whole time while thinking, "Good riddance!" I know there are those who dream of a plot of land, but I dream of a doorman and urban fun right outside my door.

Believe it or not, it's just me

I finished HERO this weekend. Hmmmm. It's a clumsy Harry Potter, substituting superheroes for wizards. Then throwing in some gay. Yeah, it's Fairy Potter (with all apologies to the talented J.K. Rowling). If it counts for anything, I tried to love you HERO, but it shouldn't be this hard. When the big reveal is telegraphed (rammed down my throat?) in the first few chapters, I always suspect that it's a red herring. Only, no. I know this is aimed at young adults, but don't they deserve a coherent plot, too? Isn't puberty bad enough? Oh, and it's actually set up for a series or something, which, hey, I'm all about the pipe dreams, so who am I to judge? All my best, but when my faggoty ass can't get on board with a story about queers in tights and military garb, I don't smell a publishing juggernaut.

I feel bad now.

ADDED: OK, maybe it's camp? I don't always catch that. I'm grasping. Check out the twitter to your right. That line is from HERO.

Here I am

I know it's been quiet around these parts, but MOVING, remember?

Two bedrooms and two bathrooms are COMPLETELY empty. The dining room? Empty. Every closet except for the two in my bedroom? Empty. Patio? Cleared. I have two weeks from today to finish this move. I'm doing pretty good, right?

I'm hung up, I'm hung up on you

Oh, Edie. Sometimes I miss you so much.

Where do we go from here?

I'm so freaked out about this home sale (I closed on it today!). It's good. No, it's really good and overdue, but now it's sinking in that I'm actually doing what I've talked about for so long. I've been busy picking up keys to an apartment (a place to get me through this transition), changing utilities, depositing checks (!), and now the real work begins-- removing myself from my home for the last 8 years. When I pulled up just now, I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I know this is what I need to do, but this has been HOME for so long, and it really is a lovely house. I've spent a lot of time making it MINE and as of today, it's not anymore. I guess any big change is accompanied by a crazy mix of emotions. Bright side is I have a buttload of money in my checking account right now. Firenza anyone?

That's all. Oh, I'll throw this bitch in because he's incredibly pretty and I haven't done a MEAT FRIDAY in ages.He's probably really dumb and not funny and kinda crabby and doesn't smell awesome....right?

Love don't live here anymore

The customer is always right? Fuck that. If you have an appointment with me and you pull up outside my office window AT your appointment time and then proceed to spend ten minutes stuffing a whole bag of McDonald's into your fry-hole while I cool my heels inside, then don't expect me to be my usual glib and chipper self.

Love! Love will keep us together!

I just finished Ian McEwan's Enduring Love. ((don't gush. don't gush. don't gush)) I'm working my way back through Ian McEwan's stuff, all thanks to Max who turned me on to Atonement (which is on my all-time favorite list). Golly, this is a ripper of a tale, at times incredibly suspenseful, but told in McEwan's trademark style, spare and simple, not a word wasted. I'd recommend it to anyone.

I just noticed that a movie was made and it's out on DVD. I'm guessing there was no US release, or I surely would have heard of it, if only because Daniel Craig is cast in the lead.He's a major dangling carrot for me, but the reviews are mixed and I'm mostly loathe to sully a great book experience. For every LOTR, there are a dozen Stardusts. Hmmmm.....

Now it's on to Hero by Perry Moore. Freakgirl pointed me to a review of it. Hero is categorized as Young Adult Fiction, and I'm not usually so keen on that, but I'm giving it a shot. I mean, a gay superhero coming of age story? How bad can it be? I'll let you know.

Meet my new pillowcase

I kinda have to, don't you think? Oh, how you still haunt me, Big Brother Nick! More specifically, oh, how you still provide visual fodder for my afternoon jack-off, Big Brother Nick! Dreamy.

Bang! Bang!

Do you love me?

This is the opening scene from "A Summer Dress", one of the short films I saw at the LGBT Film Festival over the weekend. Tres fabu, non? This film made you FEEL summer, all full of innocence and discovery and humor and a little tightbacked frantic ass pounding near the end (but not in this clip).

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up, I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"

Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down.

Music played, and people sang
Just for me, the church bells rang.

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

ADDED: OK, one more and then I'll stop. Here's Wet Shave (Die Rasur), and I'm curious if its as compelling for you as it was in my pants. Ah mi dios. Can you still get one of those?

Spread too thin

It's only one week, so it's too early to say that Shonda Rhimes is suffering from David E. Kelley Syndrome, but both Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy were kinda crap, right?

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome

LAST NIGHT: I saw the touring production of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Enjoyable! It's a funny show, with a winning lead in Aussie actor Lawrence Jameson. The music was good, but not "rush out and buy the cast recording" good. Still, if it comes to your town, it's worth checking out.

TONIGHT: The Downtown Dayton LGBT Film Festival commences. I don't know if I'll be there all weekend, but I'm gonna catch the first feature. I hope I get in. With Jesse Archer in attendance, 'mOhio is sure to come out in full force.

TOMORROW: Local (and renowned) drag troupe, The Rubi Girls, are putting on a show on the roof of the Firefly building. Sounds like a winner. I'm more comfortable with drag in an outdoor venue. "Well-ventilated" just seems prudent.

I know. This is a lot more gay than I usually pack into my weekend (ahem), but I have a lot of catching up to do.

What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret.

Oh, my house! I made my TAKE IT OR SUCK IT offer, and now I wait. Send me good vibes/fabulous parting gifts.

UPDATE: SOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you one of them?

I picked up the first season of Dexter on DVD and I am LOVING it. If you've seen it, don't spoil me. I think this ad for the second season premiere is genius. That face!

Each life is loosely assembled, inside the molecules tremble

Things seemed to be falling into place lately. Almost too easily, FINALLY, after a lot of soul searching and, well, procrastination. As of yesterday, my house was sold, and I'd found a cute little apartment to rent for the next six months until I can get things arranged for the real move.

That was yesterday. NOW, my house deal may be all but broken. It's not, but I'll have to decide quickly and it's gonna cost me some money. Money that means something to me, and nothing to this bitch who's buying my house as a part-time place. It's a tough decision and not one I want to make in this state of mind because last night Mom called to tell me that my dad was feeling "dizzy and funny in his chest." It took a lot of convincing, but finally they went to the ER. We'll look into things further today, but everything checked out fine last night and he's OK.

I'm not writing this to ask for sympathy. There's LOTS worse things. My dad is fine. And even with this significant added expense, I'll still be doing OK with my house sale. I'm just really tired and not in the state of mind to decide. I don't care now, but I have to decide today anyway. I figured writing it down might help me examine things.

You know, most times I'm not the guy who feels he needs someone around all the time. I don't NEED you to complete me. Most times I want you around to share stuff. Like life and whatnot. This morning is one of those times you'd have to be there for me, though.

Huh. Is this my first post without some corny double entendre?

Since nobody doesn't love Chad White.....

and Tim Gunn! Plus, you know, great cause. If I moved to NYC, would you be able to get me into things like this?
(via)

To being an US for once, instead of a THEM

You know how I love movies. And you know how I love gay dudes. So this weekend I'm going to the Dayton LGBT Film Festival. If I can't find a queer to hang out with there, well, then I think I need to regroup. OUT readers will recognize Jesse Archer, who'll be in town to promote the first feature, A Four Letter Word (link has audio). He stars and is co-screenwriter. Also, he's sparkling.If you're in the 'hood, don't be a stranger!

Do I disappoint you?

Anyone else check out the new Amazon.com MP3 downloads? I think iTunes has its first serious competitor. DRM-free, often cheaper, easy to use, built-in customer base, cross compatibility with different players....what's not to love?

PS Download the program for installing Amazon tunes and you get a free song from The Apples In Stereo.

Fill me up, Buttercup

I have this same underwear. After looking at this shot, I can only think maybe I'm wearing the wrong size or something.

Everything is beautiful in its own way

Some high school kids did a small study to determine the Gay Comfort Level of their classmates. It's HIGH SCHOOL, so I shouldn't be surprised by the response. I was only a little surprised. It does make me wonder about the revulsion some grown-ass adults still feel when it comes to same-sex intimacy. I'm not talking butt sex or anything. Kissing.You can only chalk so much of it up to latent homosexuality. Not EVERYONE is queer. OK, actually I think everyone is, but that's another post. Anyway, where does it come from? Do you feel it? I like to see images of love no matter what the form, but I've never walked in a straight person's shoes. Is it just unfamiliarity? Or what?