Well, I found a road and off I sped, I met a man with no little toe and a real big head

I'm heading north on the highway to Michigan for that party I keep yammering about. Michigan is a blue state btw. I know, I know, you are WAY over all the blue state/red state shenanigans, but I like to haul out dusty ol' shit from the attic and sit cross-legged on the floor and reminisce. Michigan is blue because of the auto workers, though. The unions love their Democrats. The Michiganders aren't blue because they cotton to man on man action. They are all about the constitutional amendments to restrict basic human rights of the queers. Why dost thou forsake me, Wolverine? God knows I love you seven ways to Tuesday. Claw me with those knife-hands, bitch.
Well, that was a tangent I didn't expect. Where was I? I did last minute shopping a few days ago for another friend, recently 40, who I'll bump into this weekend. She's under the mistaken impression that she means as much to me as the present day birthday girl. Rather than disavow her of this delusion, I picked up a Shuffle and loaded it up with Maxity goodness. Now try and tell me you wouldn't want me buying you presents. That's good shit people! Did I just say so myself?
Will you permit me a small rant? I'm not fussy interpersonally with language or grammar. It's not so much because things don't bother me, it's that I know if I fuss, it'll come back to bite me in the ass. There's this one thing, though. Can we all just pause for a moment and phonetically sound out how to pronounce "Alzheimer's"? Yes? It seems that there are a dozen variants people try on for size, and they usually kinda whisper over it because they're fairly certain they aren't getting it right. Is that you? Well, you aren't getting it right if it comes out like "Old Timers". It's 'älts-"hI-m&rz. Let's say it together aloud. Very good. Thanks for humoring me. Comment me about words that drive you crazy, if you are so disposed.
Have a great weekend, y'all!

ADDED: Who is seeing Serenity this weekend? I have my proto-nephew FIRED UP to check it out. The thing is, I have to bust him out of Chinese school on Saturday afternoon to see the matinee. Just because it will be against his mother's wishes, is that considered an abduction in a court of law?

Shades of gold displayed naturally

Remember how I bought my friend that amber necklace for her birthday? It begs for an accompanying haiku. Can I get your feedback on it? This recalls one of my favorite memories of her. We were skiing one bluebird day (cloudless, azure sky). The air was crisp. The powder was deep. She was just beaming in her braids.

like captured sunshine
with your beauty, warmth and light
amber, in pigtails

Is it OK, or should I keep polishing?

You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss

Last week you all showed me the error of my ways when I was equivocal about the Italian ad showing two men in affectionate repose. I realized you were right then. Now let's swing around to France. Same story, different romance language. This time Paris metro is refusing to run ads depicting same sex kissing. The ads are for a gay expo for chrissake. Thankfully, the mayor at least is up in arms, but it doesn't sound like that changed anything.

via towleroad (once again)

The day was bright, the air was sweet, the smell of honeysuckle charmed me off my feet

I am SO getting this CD and I'm sure you'll have something to say about the cliche' of a big (tall, lithe) homo rushing out to get Linda doing Judy (which, as long as you picture the young Garland, is quite nice actually), but I love them both and you can just shut it. Oh, who am I kidding? Denigrate me and ridicule me in the comments. I kinda get off on it.

Been around the world and I, I, I......

The Amazing Race starts tonight, y'all! Is it just me, or is there insufficient chatter going on? I have no qualms about declaring this my favorite show on television. "So bold, Mikey!", you say. True, friends, but I have to be me. Given that, I do have some concerns about this new season, TAR Family-stizz. With kids about, how can the challenges not be more simplistic? Will they really have kids on a train for 20 hours? Sleeping on the streets? I doubt it. Key to the appeal for me is the "fish out of water" aspect of throwing people already under duress of long travel into cultures and environments strange to them. I guess time will tell how the season goes. My fears are not assuaged, though, by the rumors that tonight the teams travel all the way from Brooklyn to Philadelphia. I think I could BIKE that in a day.

Added: I think the editing on this show is near genius. Also, Phil's ability to move his eyebrows completely independent of one another is part of what makes the Race amazing.

Take me down the alleyways, anywhere it's dark, let the rhythm of the night beat into my heart

I was already excited about John Berendt's new book, The City of Falling Angels, but the reviewer in USA Today fairly stumbles over herself praising this shit. I must have it now. Did y'all love Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil like I did? It proves the cliche. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. The characters in that book are indelible. Berendt makes the location irresistible. I had already been to Savannah a few times before reading it, but it made me want to go back. His new book is set in Venice. Italy, yo, not California. Or Florida. I've been to Italy, but never to Venice and given my current raging travel jonz, I'm sure this book will get me sprung.
There are at least four or five other books just out or coming shortly that I'm excited about. I'd write now, but I actually should work a bit. Anything you're anticipating? Anything you wanna share? Anything you think I HAVE to read? Load me up in the comments, G!

I built a bridge across my stream of consciousness

So you wander from blog to blog to blog like I do, picking and choosing from the blogrolls, right? I was hangin' wit Andy, but ended up at the crib of one of his comment gays, Sunshine. Sunshine had another one of those meme things. Still don't know what "meme" signifies exactly. Not understanding something hasn't stopped me from diving into it and even sometimes killing it. Kinda like some countries we know, eh? So in this one you delve back into your blog archives and find your 23rd post (give or take) and then go to its fifth line (or so). Share the line. I found the exact post and the exact line. That I thought this might be fun should come as no surprise to you. The result won't surprise you either.

When last we saw him he was jacking me off at the multiplex.

Apropos considering the recurring themes of this blog. Writing has actually provided me with a few insights. One in particular is about this multiplex guy. I probably knew, but never fully acknowledged to myself, that I loved him. Even more surprising to me is that I still love him. How, after all these years, can he still have such a hold on me? One thing might be that, for a straight guy, he could suck a mean dick. And he smells freaking AWESOME.

Someone's head resting on my knee, warm and tender as he can be

I roamed around today by myself. I'm a guy who doesn't mind being solitary, but you might have had some fun if you'd come with. One of the best things was how the day started. My bed was incredibly soft and fresh last night and it was raining steadily this morning so when I awoke to my alarm, I SNOOZED twice, each time rolling over and snuggling in while moaning with pleasure. OK, that part would have been really good if you'd been here. It was a Face Exfoliation Day, too, so couple that with the Moaning Pleasurable Rainy Day Awakening and you have an auspicious start, no? So here are a few highlights of my rambling around:

• Webster Street Market-- I thought about picking up lunch here, but the crowd looked kinda skeezy. Sorry if you were there. I did shop around the little booths. Some people sell antiques and collectible things there, some people sell handmade clothes and jewelry there, and some people sell complete crap there. In a non-crap booth, I found something for my non-bio sister's birthday! This chick makes really cool silver jewelry with different colors of amber cut in interesting shapes. Sound cheesy? It's totally hot. My faux-sister is kinda bohemian and Deadhead-y, but also a mother of three, and she will LOVE the necklace and earrings I picked up. Handmade! Unique! She'll get those, plus a copy of Son of a Witch (coming to bookstores Tuesday), a pretty handmade bookmark, and of course a charming haiku from yours truly. Don't you wish I was buying for you? Oh, shutup. You'd LOVE my presents.
• I was leafing through Dwell and noticed that a house featured was right nearby, so I Googlemapped it and checked it out. The pictures in the magazine are artfully done. They make no bones about the scary neighborhood, but I was still surprised. Rough. Very sweet place, though. I walked around and snapped a few photos, but they didn't really come out well. Plus, they included the crack dealer who later approached me. I bought a rock for fifty off him and thought it best that I not post a picture of him on my blog. You're getting the photo from the magazine.
• I noticed that the traveling rendition of the Viet Nam Veteran's Memorial, The Moving Wall, was in town, so I headed over there. It's like a half-scale rendition. I think the locale in a parking lot near the expressway detracted from the atmosphere. Have any y'all seen the real thing? Confession. I've never been to D.C. I know I should go. Whenever I get free time, it just gets bumped down on my list. It's all the stranger then that I have so often ended up naked on and around the Lincoln Memorial in my dreams.
• Finally I saw the touring production of My Fair Lady. Of course I've seen the film. Audrey Hepburn is an icon, yo. I loved, loved, loved this play. All the main actors are wonderful. The songs are timeless and well-delivered. I've been singing "On The Street Where You Live" the rest of the day.

You know what? I did all this stuff alone and had a good time. Do you find that strange? I'm fine with it. Still, it'd be nice to feel like the song.....

I have often walked down this street before, but the pavement always stayed
beneath my feet before. All at once am I, several stories high, knowing I'm on the street where you live.

That was a nice day. I'd considered including a bulleted entry about having an extra spring in my step tonight after arriving home. I was gone all day. I don't cotton to dropping it on the one whilst on the road. I'm not so crass as to say more. I was raised right. Like Whitney. Oh, and I didn't buy the crack from that guy or I would have NEVER made it home in time to do the doo. Here's the house, though:


Not a crack house, technically

I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver, reach out and touch faith

What was the Catholic church's initial reaction to rampant child abuse in its ranks? I believe that would be "decades of lies and obfuscation". Now they are taking a new tack. According to reports, Pope Benedict and the Vatican will be releasing a document banning homosexuals from the clergy.

Homosexuals, even those who are celibate, will be barred from becoming Roman
Catholic priests, a church official
said Wednesday, under stricter rules soon to be released on one of the most
sensitive issues facing the church.

Celibate or not, if you are gay, they don't want you. What was that crap again about "love the sinner, hate the sin"? I've always hated that shit anyway, but when they don't even bother to adhere to their own ridiculous propaganda, it drives me insane. P.S. What the hell does all this have to do with pedophilia anyway? Check the statistics and then let's talk about straight vs. gay in those ranks. I hope this report is true. It'll just hasten the extinction of this religion. They don't have enough priests now. They will not only recruit fewer priests, but also lose quite a few, I would hope, over this hypocrisy. They'll also be encouraging more lies and deception, another proud chapter in an illustrious history of it.
I was raised Catholic.

I'll take you for a walk to the other side, and we can get high and enjoy the ride

I can bounce things off you, right? Even if I'mma broken record, you'll bear with me a little, won't you? It's probably because my work was insanely busy this week, and with minimal satisfaction, that I am once again feeling like I have to make a break. ALL WEEK I've been fantasizing about selling my house, selling my car, quitting my job and just taking off. Liquidate muthafucka. Then I'd spin the big globe I have here in my den (one of those on a stand like you had in grade school with the compass on it and the mountain ranges are raised up...love!) and stab it. See where I land. I'd give myself a mulligan if that spot was unappealing, of course. Just kick around Europe and Asia (or maybe Utah...) until the cash runs out. As long as I'm dreaming, I'm also thinking I should do this with an intelligent guy. He's witty, too. Oh, and he has a hot mouth. Like Dane says, "Dream, you fucking dreamers". I'm getting old. It's not practical to do this. It's unwise. It's unsafe. It's ill-advised. It's my only hope? Thanks for listening.

If you read between the lines you can see that I want you

Help! Please try to hide your disdain when I ask this. I have no idea how TiVo really works, but I think I want it. I'm not an idiot, so I kinda get it, but now they are practically forcing me to buy it for the low, low price of $49.99. School me, bitches. Are they all lowball because something new is around the corner that will make me regret taking the bait? Did I just mix 2-3 metaphors? So if I buy it, then I sign up for some monthly service? How much is that? I know all this is on the website that I just linked to a few lines back, but I've been very busy at work and then blogger was giving me trouble and then my cable was out for most of the day and I'm tired and vulnerable right now so just take care of me, OK?

While you're doling out advice, how about helping out a friend of mine who has a lil' pickle (hee!). My friend finally got the nerve to aks out the owner of his hair salon, OK? It's like the first real date date this poor schmuck has had in like a year. I know! Avert your eyes, right? Anyway, he's thinking about taking him to dinner and then the symphony. Is that like pretentious (I don't really know what that word means) or too arty for a first date? Can you help me out? So I can help my friend.

Relax your mind, take your time with me

I posted about Dane Cook last week after running across a way hot picture of same. He was WEARING a pair of jeans, as they say in some circles (i.e. in my head). I had never heard of this comedy stud until my favorite Jersey hipster gave me the fo fo. FYI: Don't act like you wanna git wit Dane if freakgirl around, cuz she liable to git carnival freak crazy on yo ass. I think Dane is MAD sexy, but I defer to her dibs, as I prefer my eyeballs as they are. Unclawed out. However, I did pick up his CD Retaliation this weekend and it's been in HOT rotation in my car ever since. I think I've listened to both disks at least thrice. Funny, funny man. He brings the jokes, no question, but he's just funny in the way he talks and the way you know he's having a great time. Girls wanna do him. Guys wanna hang out with him. Guys like me wanna hang out with him, do him, then repeat. He's a man who loves words. I'm a man who loves a man who loves words. I highly recommend checking his shit out. If any of y'all need a preview, hit me up. I'll be all up in your INBOX with the free sample. That's legal amongst friends, right? You said you were my friend. That wasn't just so I'd give you that handy, was it?
PS Seat belts! Radio knobs!

I don't know if I'm smart but I think I can see when someone is pullin' the wool over me

How many of y'all saw this ad, They Lied/They Died, in the paper today? (.pdf file) It was a two page spread in the Cincinnati Enquirer, but ran nationally in other papers including USA Today. I think it's a powerful ad, but I'm not familiar with the organization, Win Without War. Know anything about it?

We know where [the WMDs] are. Donald Rumsfeld 3/30/03

We found the weapons of mass destruction. George W. Bush 5/29/03

There's no question that Saddam Hussein had al Qaeda ties. George W. Bush 9/17/03

We will in fact, be greeted as liberators....I think it will go relatively quickly...[in] weeks rather than months. Dick Cheney 3/16/03

We believe [Saddam] has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons. Dick Cheney 3/16/03

We do know that Saddam is actively pursuing a nuclear weapon. Condoleeza Rice 9/10/02

I'm going to add one more. It wasn't in the ad. I wish it was a lie, though.

And some people thinkin' that the end is close by, 'stead of learnin' to live they are learnin' to die. Bob Dylan

There's a stranger in my house, it took a while to figure out

For all you TLC fags out there, WYWO is in WeHo tonight. Hmmm, might there be gays about? I mean besides Evan.

Update: Turns out they were improving a playground for grade school children in West Hollywood. It was so cute. So it was just Evan. Oh and also the designer dude.

Make me wanna clap my hands, make me wanna stomp my feet, make me feel real, real good, when you put that thang on me

I know it's the start of the fall television season, but what's really got me stompin' and clappin' is all the good shit that's coming to the local multiplex. Well, nothing comes before my Phil and The Amazing Race, yo. If Phil is bringin' it to the table, I am dishin' up a heapin' helpin', G. I felt like I should add that last "G" cuz I left so many of them out. Movies, though! There are some movies that have me all tingly in spots and fluttery in the non-tingly spots. I'm listing a few. Tell me if you're with me or tell me what I missed.

• Serenity-- This one is at the top of my list and it's almost here! I'm totally letting it in, no matter what chuck says. Joss Whedon is a god. Browncoats unite! And if someone tries to kill you, well, you just try to kill 'em right back. Frothing!
• Brokeback Mountain-- If someone approached me to come up with a dream premise for a movie, I don't think I could have done better than gay cowboys. This shit won some festival awards. Like I care. And if there may be a very Quest For Fire scene with Jake Gyllleennhaaaal taking the Rae Dawn Chong role (i.e. on all 4's), then so be it.
• Walk The Line-- As with so many movies I'm excited about, I was hooked by the trailer for this one. I am SO susceptible to targeted advertising. Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon just looked right. I hope they nail it. Could be crap.
• Capote-- Philip Seymour Hoffman. Two fascinating dudes, no?
• Elizabethtown-- I already love Cameron Crowe and this was another great trailer. I'm not especially fond of Orlando Bloom when he isn't sporting a blonde ponytail and a ne'er depleted quiver of arrows, but I have high hopes anyway. That is despite my reservations, and by my reservations, I mean Kiki Dunst.
• Everything Is Illuminated-- I loved, loved, loved this book and if you didn't, I think it's because you're trying too hard to be reservedly hip and ummm, ironic (?) (I really don't get irony so I just toss it in when I'm at a loss for a word). Love Elijah Wood, too. C'mon, he is SO cute and SO portable.
• Memoirs of a Geisha-- I loved this book, too. It's one of those that transports you to another place and time and envelops you completely. If this shit is half as good as the book, I'll be satisfied.
• The Chronicles of Narnia-- Normally I'm nervous about movie adaptations of my childhood favorites, but then came LOTR. Big footsteps. The effects look sweet.

I'd kinda like to include Rent in this list, but instead of keenly anticipating it, I'm steeling myself for a smelly pile. While I'm steeling myself, though, I'm totally singing Seasons of Love all the damn time. Yeah, I know. Another showtune gay. Can you still love me? So what do y'all think? I'm seeing all these. Wanna come with? I missed my chance at Bedtime Stories so I'm offering an open invitation. I'll buy Cokes and Sno-Caps if you don't make a big fuss when I get handsy.

It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no senator's son

The bean curd was excellent and the fortune was flattering.

Your heart is pure and your mind is clear.

If only.

The resolution (in your eyes) of all the fruitless searches

So a few days ago the consensus here at Pipedreams was that there is no such animal as too gay. Still, I wonder. I guess it wasn't a definitive determination. It reminds me of a classic Karen Walker line from Will and Grace where she goes on about Jack not being able to play straight in a tv commercial.

"Oh, honey, no one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night. You fell out of the gay tree......hitting every gay branch on the way down......and you landed on a gay guy......... and you did him. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space."

So I thought, in the interest of further research into this topic, that we might offer up a characteristic or activity and then as a group determine if it is indeed too gay. OK, that's not really how this shit came to me. Actually, I laughed at myself this morning when I did this really queer thing. I was using up the last of this eye cream and I was happy, no question, because it does indeed seem to be softening fine lines and wrinkles. That's not it, though. I was doubly giddy because the tube was FINALLY done and now I would get to use the new stuff I've been dying to try. Too gay?

ADDED: OK, I should have known that the awesome power of the interweb would provide A TEST to see if one is too gay. Thanks to Bodhi, who mentions it in the comments (via yaniboy). It's open to the gays and straights alike so check it out and see just how big a flamer you are!
P.S. Yours truly? Just 46% gay. Geesh, what can I do to bring that score up?
Finally, there is also a test over there to see which way Fido or Mittens swings.

Honey, my time is too expensive so why don't you tell it like it is?

I was over at towleroad where he's posted about the furor in Rome over this billboard ad. To be honest, I'm on the fence regarding how appropriate it is for general consumption. Does that mean I'm self-loathing? I just think kids seeing it might be confused. It'd be fine if they are at the age where it is appropriate to discuss it, but not so fine if they are too young, no? Am I totally off on this? What is MADDENING, though, is in this article detailing the hubbub, some spokeswhore for a "family organization" had this to say:

'These posters are vulgar and a bad example for our children,' said a spokesman for the parents association MOIGE, which wants the adverts banned. 'It's not a matter of sexual orientation. They would be crass even if they featured a man and a woman.'

Umm, if you are going to be a bigot, I prefer you be in my face about it. Bitch is totally lying. I've been to Rome and there are billboards all over the place showing models doing much more graphic and sexual things than this while wearing less. I don't think anybody pays much mind to the billboards there anyway. You're looking down the whole time trying not to step in the piles of dog poo that are everywhere, right?

Naw, I'm a changed man, look at the range ma'am, I got a whole new game plan

I mentioned television in a recent post (see: all), so it was inevitable the thread would eventually lead to hot reality stars. In this particular instance, we considered my favorite subset of these stars, namely, twins who have been photographed naked in homo-erotic poses. The Riker twins, decidedly straight contestants from TAR Season 3, are seen here catering to their fan base.

This has me thinking about the whole gay for pay phenomenon in queer porn. Here's my question. Is this shit real? Straight guys, is there enough money out there for you to fuck a dude? If so, what's your price, bro? Any wiggle room? I'm guessing most guys are shuddering on one end and shaking on the other right now. Societal conditioning is some strong bidness. The reverse often isn't true. I, like many other homos, have fucked a few women. I wish I could say that I was lying to myself as much as to them at the time. The denial defense, yo. Sadly though, while I was ready to bone and ready for dome with these ladies, it was a stash of gay porn that welcomed me home. Hey, that was pretty, wasn't it? Like poetry. Or a prayer. As for the pay part, the last woman I was ever with had a place in NY, a place in London and her own fucking plane. I was set, man. She was similar in voice and stature to Jared Leto, so things were going OK until she kept insisting, "Open your eyes! Open your eyes!" So close.

One error, silent terror, and we're the dead next door

Does your humor lean toward the macabre? I found this shit hilarious. If your granny was sliced up by a serial killer, SURF AWAY! The rest of y'all should get at least one giddy laugh.



via The Search for Love

Gotta testify, come up in the spot lookin' extra fly

I agree with Andrew that pretty is nice, but funny is better. If brotha wants to bring both though....
Have you all heard his CD? How is that?

Are you prepared to take a dive into the deep end of my head?

A few days ago my boy Andrew posted about five things he doesn't understand. I enjoyed that, but for my post, it needs to shine more of a spotlight directly on me, right?

5 Things That Might Be Strange About Me
1. When driving, I prefer the stereo volume control to be set at an even number. Especially 12 or 14.
2. It was months after my grandma died before I could fuck without feeling she was watching.
3. I have never seen a single episode of those procedural crime dramas. None. No CSI. No Cold Case. None.
4. If I'm going to sleep well then all the doors and drawers need to be closed. Bedroom door, bathroom door, closet doors, dresser drawers. (I just know this one is completely normal)
5. If I'm down, sometimes I'll trim up my pubes and shave my nuts and it'll perk me right back up.

Stick with me baby, I’m the guy that you came in with

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. --Lloyd Bridges as Steve McCroskey in Airplane.

If you are only two weeks into giving up artificial sweeteners, it is not the time to make six-pack resolutions, requiring you to give up actual sweet stuff. The first was a sacrifice I needed to make, but the second? I'm blaming it on Splenda DT's (and also some blame goes to that bitch over at Confetti In The Wind). I'm so tired right now and I guess it's from lack of sugar and caffiene but I'm not really sure because I'm too dizzy to think about it much.

I was going to somehow tie in giving up Diet Coke as a segue into posting a pic of their old spokesbeef, Lucky Vanous, but it was a tenuous connection at best, and the truth is that I just like to look at pretty things. You can almost smell him, can't you? He's not as fizzy as the soda, but he is packaged well and about as smart. See, I told you. Tenuous.

Living just enough, just enough for the city

Citizens of New York, bar your doors and hide your boy chillins. My mom and her rogue band of peri-menopausal sisters arrive in your fair city today. Be alert. Well, you probably don't really need to hide your boy child. However, if you see four women, possibly in track suits, all talking at the same time or singing selections from Mamma Mia, you might want to cross the street. They have an appetite for some black market Birken bags and I would not wanna be the one who impedes the sating.

....who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me, and just might be the next best thing, but not quite me

Now I hate gay bashing just as much as the next fag, OK? However, if you're collecting the shuttlecocks (hee!) after a spirited game of badminton with the neighborhood kids and someone yells out, "Let's play Smear the Queer!" is that the time to lecture? No. You politely decline to play a game which, when you get down to it, is a junior hate crime. Of course they'll whine and beg because, let's face it, you're fun and kids dig you. You start to leave, but hesitate. You're done. Signs of weakness like that are the kiss of death in Midwestern backyards. "You're the queer!" they shout. It's not like you can argue. P.S.? I rock this game. Always have. Little bitches gonna try to bash me? This queer will juke and be PAST you, muthafucka.

If you're not familiar with the game, check it out on Wikipedia. I was heartened to read this little snippet, although I'm guessing the Christian-y moms and dads might be chagrined.

Smear the queer is often played with an object such as a ball which is held by the "queer". Once the "queer" is tagged or tackled, he throws the object into the air. The other players then try to grab the object, thus becoming the new "queer". Unlike other forms of tag, those who stay "queer" the longest are considered the best players.

Today's the day we'll say I do

Marriage between a man and a woman is sanctified. It's a blessed sacrament. There are many out there who are willing to judge any other permutations of marriage. They have a right to their opinion. Do they have a right to foist it upon me? First, let's see how their lives hold up to scrutiny, shall we?

Here are a few excerpts from the book description:

- Newt Gingrich: served his wife with divorce papers while she was incapacitated by cancer and receiving treatment in a hospital room. He is currently enjoying the sanctity of his third marriage.
- Representative Bob Barr, author of the Defense of Marriage Act: before the age of fifty, Representative Barr had three marriages under his belt. The old Beltway joke goes, "Exactly which marriage is Bob Barr defending?"
- Rush Limbaugh: between Rush and his current wife, Marta, there are six marriages and four divorces. Rush is currently in the process of divorcing Marta.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not judging them. Just wondering how they feel qualified to judge me? I've said it a hundred times, but I don't even wanna marry some dude. Just don't tell me I can't. I'm not asking for any special privileges either, fucktard, just the same ones enjoyed by all the other citizens of this country.

via towleroad

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions

I have a question for you. Can I get you anything first? A drink? OK, do you think there is any value to analyzing your dreams? I've been checking out a few sites about this lately. Being a science guy, I used to believe that dreams were just a tableau of your brain's activity while it sorted and stored the events of your day and week. You can certainly see evidence of this in your dreams, right? Some event or person that figured prominently in your day shows up in your dreams. It's why I sometimes stare at photos of Ian Somerhalder just before bed. After checking out some of these sites, though, I realized that some of the most common dreams are surprisingly identical among people and even across cultures. It's like we're dipping into some collective unconscious, Jung-stizz.

So when dreams repeat themselves, is there a message? Is it a message from this mythic pool or is it from a part of ourselves? I'll share one of my own that I used to have ALL THE TIME. I would often dream of finding myself naked in public places, usually far from home. I wouldn't know how I got there or why, but of course I'd try to inconspicuously make my way back. No small feat really, because you know, butt naked in broad daylight and well, I am striking. Invariably I'd run into people. Sometimes people I knew, sometimes Dick Gautier. I'd make up crazy shit to try to explain my circumstance. I suck at lying, even in my dream life. Anyway, at some point these dreams stop. Upon reflection now, it's about the time (give or take a year...I didn't write it down) that I decided I no longer cared who knew I was gay. No more naked dreams. Well, I'm still naked in my dreams sometimes, and sometimes in public (usually on or near beloved national monuments, often featuring Lincoln), but I'm never ashamed. So does that mean I learned my lesson? If so, who was teaching?

Also, any ideas on the whole Dick Gautier thing?

Ground control to Major Tom: Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

Don't EVEN tell me y'all knew about this and just neglected to give me the fo fo. Of course I had a Dirk Benedict poster in my room when I was a kid (I've said it before but, how did my parents not know?), but I haven't seen any of this new version. It looks like Battlestar Galactica is aiming to broaden its demographic here. Scoot your ass over. I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

via bentblog

Because we made a promise, we swore we'd always remember

I've seen clouds from both sides now

Can I fall off the abs wagon after only three days? I'll confess that I'm already tired of brothy soups. I figure I'm going to have to step up the calorie burn if I'm going to uncover the cuts. Remember when I said I had a six-pack before? Well, "defined abs" might have been more accurate and that shit was in the 90's. The early 90's. I know, excuses. Anyway, I already work out during lunch and run in the evenings sometimes, so that leaves me only a few minutes in the a.m. for additional self-flagellation. With that in mind, I've been doing yoga for a spell each morning since Wednesday. I forgot how good that can feel. My hamstrings have never been more lax, guys.

Downward facing dog,
So this is what it feels like
For the guys who catch.

This verse is rudimentary and crude (aka Mikey-stizz?), so if you're interested in the real deal, check out Joel Derfner's book Gay Haiku. Want some free samples prior to purchase? His website is obligin'.

Did he create just me in his image, or every living thing?

I was at the gym. Worked my legs hard...grrrrr....always gives me randy pants. I was on the bike then, but decided to cut that shit short. I walked into the house (aka the cockpit) and flipped on the tv and within a few minutes I was crying. Shelter From the Storm, the benefit concert for hurricane relief, is being simulcast on most of the networks live tonight. Now Neil Young's voice is always haunting to me. Ugly man, gorgeous voice. When he sang Imagine after 9/11 on America: A Tribute To Heroes it was crushingly beautiful, I thought. Tonight he sang When God Made Me from his new album, Prairie Wind. If you click on any of those links to albums on amazon.com you're only ONE CLICK away from donating to the Red Cross and helping these brothers and sisters and grammas and nephews.
Here are the lyrics to Neil's song. Love them no matter what I feel about God/god/Bob. You and that choir made me get my ass up again to click, Neil, ya big ugly bastard. Gotta go. Kanye on.

WHEN GOD MADE ME

Was he thinking about my country,
or the colour of my skin?
Was he thinking about my religion,
and the way I worshipped him?
Did he create just me in his image,
or every living thing?

When God made me.
When God made me.

Was he planning only for believers,
or for those who just had faith?
Did he envision all wars
that were fought in his name?
Did he say there was only one way
to be close to him?

When God made me.
When God made me.

Did he give me the gift of love
to say who I could choose?

When God made me.
When God made me.
When God made me.

Did he give me the gift of voice
so some could silence me?
Did he give me the gift of vision
not knowing what I might see?
Did he give me the gift of compassion
to help my fellow man?

When God made me.
When God made me.
When God made me.

I'm tired of dancing here all by myself

trainer/babydaddy/actor?

OK, the line forms behind me for Madonna's scraps.

Would it be my fault if I could turn you on?

Well, the last post begged for this one. I have a fully requited love for the Sonicare toothbrush. I love it unconditionally and anything that frantically pulses in my mouth for two minutes three times a day must love me back, right? I'm suddenly thinking about summer church camp from when I was sixteen. ::stares off:: I wonder what Stephen is up to these days? Anyway, as Enrico Fermi was to theoretical and experimental physics, I am to obsessive oral hygiene, so trust me and buy this shit. FYI: the first time you try it, your eyes will water and you'll gag a bit, but soon you'll get used to it. And I'm back at camp again.

Good morning Starshine, you lead us along

Sure he's always been kinda sexy, but who knew he was this hot? As if those nipples aren't enough, he has a Sunday paper tucked under his arm AND a Sonicare in his mouth. Hurt me. And is there any question that he is a WILD fuck?

PS I can't believe it's been so long since I used a showtune lyric for the title. Weeks!

You wanna new song like a new religion

Lots of the gays are posting about ten songs they are loving right now. I think it's a meme thing, but I'm trying to pretend it's not because I'm still in the denial phase of mourning for the last one I killed. What's that? The straights are doing this shit, too? Huh. Here are a few of mine that, as of now, I NEVER skip past on the shuffle:

• Gold Digger- Kanye West with Jamie Foxx. If you don't sing with Jamie doing Ray, I don't get you.
• There It Go (The Whistle)- Juelz Santana. Smiling just thinking about it. Just put your lips together and blow.
• Breathe Me- Sia. I've been loving this since it was the music behind the Six Feet Under promo video. Now it's on the SFU soundtrack. I already miss my big black sex cop. Anyone have a remix for me?
• Boys of Summer-DJ Sammy. Jump in your drop, turn it up and just drive. Don who?
• Instant Pleasure- Rufus Wainwright. Gay, remember? Every lil' while I have to revisit Rufus pining for someone to drop a nut on/in/with.
• Opportunities- Pet Shop Boys. Won't you come back to me Beauty and the Geek?
• Only You- Josh Kelley. I like Jason Mraz, too. And John Mayer. Shutup.
• Tricky, Tricky- Lou Bega. I like the same shit she does. Plus, you know, pretty, pretty.
• Stick 'Em Up- Quarashi. Two words. Icelandic Rap-rock.
• Lovin' You- Poker Pets. Breezy. Click their link. It's not often you see a video of Claymation (tm) animal's cleavage, fore and aft.
• A Man Is In Love- The Waterboys. I know. This is eleven, not ten. Lighten up and spot me one ya big homo. This is just so sweet. And Irish-y. I hadn't listened to it in a while and was reminded when a commenter on Lots of Co. suggested these guys are underappreciated and I agree.

All that said, and speaking of Lots of Co., what I'm loving most (and what's fuel to the hard sixers I've been pounding) is whatever lately drops from the mixer of Max J. Is it October yet?

I don't ask y'all for much, but I would LOVE to hear what you are loving right now, in the comments. C'mon. Isn't sharing what it's all about? Let me in your head a lil', or at least let me wear your ear buds. I think I just supplicated myself to you for chrissake.

Added: If you are shaking your head in disgust at my pathetic display, then I REALLY want you to list some songs. Enlighten me, muthafucka! Oh, and also if you have the Sia remix to share, hit me.

But the earth stopped cold at dawn, for a moment, then moved on

It was only last week I was raving about the Google desktop and how it serviced me fast and nasty in ways I hadn't even expected. I'm at it again, guys. Have you checked out Google Earth? I have spent countless hours circling the globe with this bad boy. Hours. And. Hours. Doesn't it seem like I never work? I've been taking the dizzying dive into random juicy spots all over like I haven't done since college. Check it out and let me know about your travels.
This is one of the most photographed spots in the world, but have you ever seen it from this angle? If you look very closely, you can just make out OA and Bodhi, and at least one isn't wearing pants.

I was made for loving you, baby

I know a lot of you bitches abandoned Will and Grace years ago, but my love for these Fags und Hags has been unwavering, danke. After all these years, I still laugh out loud every episode and I can say that about precious few other sitcoms. Granted, the constant barrage of guest stars was staggering (surprisingly, Madge sucked, Goldblum shined), but through it all the core group brought the funny. If they weren't funny last season, I probably wouldn't have noticed anyway. Anytime Bobby Cannavale was onscreen I was in the slack-jawed stupor of lust where you're so honed in visually that all your other senses are dulled. You know it? Dude is WEARING those pants, ain't he? Dayum. Is that what you boys mean by "basket"? I'm al dente.

The picture is from an ad in Details for Perry Ellis, I believe.

Get your motor running, head out on the highway

In a fit of solidarity (and superficiality, I guess), I've decided to be like wingedman and give myself abs for Christmas. It's not technically re-gifting, though I've given myself a six-pack before. Even if it were, would that be so bad? Did my Dad enjoy that Polo Sport any less? Offering your roommate sloppy seconds with the bar skank that followed you home is just crass, but if the product is pristine and in its original packaging, I say it's kosher.
This is a gift that will take some effort. I'll need your support. You are either for my ripped torso or you are for abject evil. Pick a side. If fucking Bush can throw down an nonsensical gauntlet, why can't I?
As inspiration on this Day 1 of my noble quest for abs, I've written a haiku.

Tuned for low end torque,
Six cylinders pushing rod.
This is not car talk.

Girl, you'll be a woman soon

Or will you? If Amelie Mauresmo dropped trau, wouldn't you be more surprised if you didn't see at least a rudimentary twig and berries? It's got nothing to do with her lesbianism and everything to do with her Adam's apple and awesome lat spread (::jealous::). Seriously, though, I love her. As I type, she is going mano a mano in an epic Battle of the Big Babes Prone to Yips with Mary Pierce.

Update: Mary Pierce, aided by her totems of constant braid tightening and random squinting, was able to ward off the yips, and defeat her mannish foe in straight sets.

Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage

OK, prepare to humor me a little. Not sure what made this dude spring to mind, but who remembers Jon-Erik Hexum? Was Phineas Bogg the shit or what?
I don't think I had pubes yet, but still I totally had a bone for that brotha. Just a little fo fo for those of you interested in the whole nature/nurture thesis.
Voyagers man! Who knows what heights this hyphenated hottie would have reached if not for that unfortunate incident on the set of Cover Up. Stupid loaded prop guns.

He got that ambition, baby, look in his eyes

Say what you will about my boy Becks, but he know how to cater to his fan base.

Now you say your trust is gettin' weaker, probably cuz my lies just started gettin' deeper

One of my best friends (is it weird that I don't tell any of them about this blog?) just sent an interesting link my way. Maybe y'all saw these, but they are new to me. Moveon.org (the voter fund part) solicited folks to send in thirty second ads highlighting Bush's record. I believe this must have been done before the election, but many of them are as apt today. A few that I found compelling were Polygraph and When!. They are Quicktime videos and do have sound. All the finalists are here.

Why do you say we should suffer in silence?

Have y'all heard Robbie's new joint?

via XtineFiles

Ain't nobody dope as me, I'm dressed so fresh, so clean

Ever have a nagging feeling that you're just NOT as fresh down there as you could be? Just a little dirty South? Yeah, me too. Ever thought of trying some Lysol? On the one hand I figure this can't be real, but on the other I must admit that it would make your bizness a little more palatable to me, ladies. No offense.
This came courtesy of my favorite lesbian (holla, Jen!), so that does lend it an air of authenticity, no?

Here in my car I can only receive

You know I'm from America and that I'm also a big homo, right? So should I continue to pretend I have any immunity to sexy corporate advertising or should I just get on with it? I am utterly charmed by these ads Lexus is running during the US Open broadcast. Andy Roddick is behind the wheel of a hot convertible. Anyone care to ride shotgun?

Cuz when the feelin’s right I’m gonna run all night

Lord knows Nike doesn't need my tired ass shilling for them (although Andre is sporting adidas suddenly-- it took me a moment to realize it was the power of Steffi's cooze that brokered that deal), but I have to mention these socks. I know what you're thinking. Socks, Mike? Socks are socks. I thought that once, too, my sweet, stupid friend. If you're a runner, check out these mofos and you'll be thanking me later. Like a lot. Burnt offerings and shit. Seriously, slide into these and take 'em out for a spin. It's like you're wearing little wombs on your feet. Well, little wombs that are highly breathable AND moisture-wicking! Have I mentioned that they are tailored LEFT and RIGHT? It should go without saying, however, that I did NOT pay full price. I have my limits, even when it comes to foot ecstacy. OK, I lost y'all didn't I? If you forgive me this post, I promise to be supportive when you post about being sick or having your period. Deal? Yeah, you're right. I actually like posts about infections or feminine hygiene. But not combined.



Quiz for ya. If you are planning on running an easy 6 miler on a Sunday morning, is it wise to put on fabulous socks and then cue up Max's September Mix on the MP3 player? No sir, it is not wise. My calves are shredded and my ass is tight. Is it OK if I just lay here and you do all the work for a change?

For wanting things that can only be found in the darkness on the edge of town

We're close, right? I wanna share a poem with you. May I read it to you? I can start here from across the table or I can snuggle up and whisper it in your ear. It's your call.


In a Dark Time by Theodore Roethke

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood--
A lord of nature weeping to a tree,
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

What's madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall,
That place among the rocks--is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is--
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

Dark,dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.


You like-y, Joe?
The darkest times let us really see. Enlightenment springs from despair. Beyond any meaning, it just flows and makes you feel it, no? Transcendent.
It resonates with me personally, of course, but you don't wanna get all up in my business now, do ya?

Got some dirt on my shoulder, could you brush it off for me?

If you're like me, you can't get yourself to watch E's Kill Reality despite your best efforts. Even with Reichen, faggoty former winner of The Amazing Race, on that shit, I just can't. Despite that, I do hanker for a lil' taste of Mr. Lemkuhl now and again. Check out his bizness, folks. I hear he's brushed that Chip off his shoulder, and he seems to be no worse for it, huh? I'm once again wishing that Ralph's Polo Black really did smell like Eau de Man Fresh From The Shower.

You say goodbye and I say hello

Huh!? Wha?! My boy Andy Roddick was unceremoneously dumped from the US Open in the FIRST ROUND this week and by a relative unkown from Luxembourg for chrissake. Actually the Luxembourgian, Muller, played some phenomenally clean tennis. He's lowly ranked, but he's had some big wins this year, beating Agassi on hardcourts and Nadal on grass. Roddick played well too for that matter, actually winning about 25 more points than Muller while making fewer errors than Muller, but still losing the match. In tennis, as in life, there are a few key moments that are more important than others. Do we recognize them in time? Oh well, in tennis, again as in life, tomorrow is another day. Goodbye for now, Andy, and hello.



photo via Confetti In The Wind

Added: Great match today at the Open will be James Blake v. Rafael Nadal (aka Baby Got Back v. Baby Got Biceps). I love Nadal, but Blake is making a big comeback after losing his father last year AND having a fractured vertebra in his neck from a fall in practice. Check it out if you wish/can.
UPDATE: Booty Trumps Biceps! But really, doesn't it always? American James Blake knocked off world #2 Rafael Nadal in a great match.

Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

My side of the fence, not so green
These grasses just sent up some amazing spikes. They were swaying in the wind, shot through with sunshine, and the sky was azure. Curse my rudimentary photography skills! Still, they sure are perty, aren't they, cousin? Oh, and I didn't even plant the sunflowers. They just came to me of their own accord.

I can see you, your brown skin shinin' in the sun

I was driving to get my hair cut this afternoon. Did I mention it's Haircut Day? I was running a little late and that was exacerbated by slow traffic. Turns out it was due to a National Guard caravan and I can only guess that they were heading south to help out with the hurricane relief. Is it wrong that I was checking out all the drivers? I was giving them the thumbs up action while I was doing it, if that helps at all. So after I finally got by all of them (I was really late by then), I should have really sped on, but I was slowed practically against my will by some gay lobe in my brain taking over. The trigger was this dark-skinned dream of a Harley dude. I mean, wish up on a star dream. I mean brotha with your teeth so white, won't you ride my knob tonight dream. OK, did I offend y'all with that last bit? Dude had on those chunky black biker boots, a great pair of jeans and his legs seemed spread way beyond what was necessary. His shirt was tight, natch, setting off the V-torso we all covet. He had close cropped nappy hair, dark dark skin and he was sportin' some cute little blue-tinted glasses. Do you blame me for loitering? After a long while he had no choice but to give me the quizzical look, which I answered with the sheepish smile and wave and that's when he brought out the big guns-- the lopsided cocky smile you'd sell your Gramma to see again followed closely by the laugh and a wave back. Bang! Bang! Ya got me. Anyway, he exited, I went on. In the state that put me in, is it any wonder that I was visited again by the embarrassing shampoo bowl boner?

One love, one heart, let's get together and feel alright

Are you a frequent shopper at Amazon.com, like I am? I just noticed that they are making it VERY EASY for us to give to the Red Cross, with just one click from their homepage. If you're already signed up for One-Click shopping at Amazon, you don't even have to enter any information other than how much you wanna give. Just one click to help your brother. Just a thought.

I always feel like somebody's watching me

I know I already waxed rhapsodic about the new Google Desktop. Well, have you checked it out yet, G? One of the features is a little photo slideshow, which at first appeared to cull only from My Pictures. However, upon use, I find it scrolls through all the pictures I've viewed online. Not just ones I've downloaded, but anything I've looked at. A little disconcerting at first, but ultimately fun and satisfying. Kind of like ME. Let me tell ya, it is quite the interesting tableau, people. If for no other reason, Winston alone makes it enjoyable.
Well, I'm off to the salon (Aveda Signature, yo) for the cut. Hell, I'm repeating myself already on this blog and it's only been a month or two, but how much do we love Haircut Day? I wonder what tightness Mr. Alan will be sporting? While I'm there, can I pick you up some pomade? Exfoliating scrub? As if Haircut Day alone is not enough, Max has a new mix up. Get it while I'm hot, folks.

Just one more fix, Lord, might do the trick, one helluva price for you to get your kicks

Speaking of smells, in this month's Cargo they asked people about their impressions of Ralph Lauren's new scent, Polo Black. Based on their comments, I'm guessing that these were not random people off the street. If they were, I want to move to that street, because these people are so colorful and descriptive and olfactorily gifted. Here are some of their takes on Ralph's new shizz:

• A summer morning. The notes are very smooth, and none are overpowering. It's just crisp and clear.
• Like the sea on a hot day. It's not too strong, more easygoing.
• It's like a leisurely walk through a tropical forest.
• A hint of rose, then it becomes suave and romantic. It reminds me of growing up in the country.
• Cool, fresh air. I want to wear this while driving in my car listening to INXS on the way to the beach.
• A man right after he takes a hot shower--really clean.

So of course I checked it out. It's nice, don't get me wrong, but don't fucking tease me by saying it's going to smell like a man after a hot shower. If they ever bottle that shit, umm. Well, I don't know what, but is there anything better?

Tell me more, tell me more, who's the king of your satellite castle?

Sometimes when the big things aren't going so well, I'm glad that I can still find pleasure from simple things. A few days ago I mentioned how much I was enjoying bpm, a XM satellite station. It's all dance music, a whole genre which really is a new vista for me. That's new love, but one of my old favorites on XM is Lucy and she is at XM 54. Lucy plays the classics of what I guess is called "alternative" music, though that adjective has been rendered generic and non-descriptive hasn't it? (Language sidenote: can we resolve to think twice before using "eclectic" again?) Lucy spins the giants of this genre, the defining songs is what it says on the website. When you see your old 80's and 90's favorites in concert, these are the encores, I'd guess. I had Lucy dialed in (and she loves it when I do her that way, the sexy bitch) while waiting at the bank drive-thru this morning, and this is what she did for me: Ana Ng from They Might Be Giants followed by Here Comes Your Man from the Pixies, and then Peter Gabriel's Shock the Monkey. Thanks, Lucy, I love you, too, baby. You know just what I need.

While we're on the topic of simple pleasures, how much do we love those foaming soap dispensers? Genius! It's still soap, sure, but in a more evolved mousse-like iteration. I especially love this one, from Bath and Body Works. Smells like summer.