But that was long ago, I don't wanna cry no mo

It's early Sunday morning as I write this. Remember how I said I'd make coffee and we'd share the paper while we listened to one of my iPod mixes? The windows are open. A nice breeze, carrying just a hint of autumn, is sliding in. Birds chirp. What sounds like the faint tolling of distant church bells is actually the kick-ass windchime I recently hung outside my little den (aka the cockpit). PS the windchime was recommended by my favorite porn star, Gus Mattox. So multi-faceted, that boy. Insert yourself into this scene. Go ahead. I'm waiting. What's it gonna take? A foot massage? Well, forget it.

So randomly, Kitty Carlisle Hart is turning 95 this week and is looking hot. How much do we love her? Bitch is still performing! This is via Parade magazine and you know I wouldn't be reading that shizz if you were here to distract me. Well, I actually would because Jodi Foster is on the cover.

I know it's a complete waste of my too much free time to be surfing the gay personals online, but they carry a morbid fascination for me in a "there but for the grace of God, go I" fashion. I'm teetering on the precipice of that, saved only by the nubby grips of my kick-ass driving loafers. A few profile thoughts from your kindly queer editor ::dons half specs:: Hint, guys, let's just assume that "no drama" is implied. Unless I see the phrase "Queeny drama? Yes, please!" spelled out, I won't assume you wantin' it. Also, being a man encompasses so much. We can be anything we want. We can express many feelings that seem to cross traditional gender lines. We can be very masculine (like me ::winks:: cuz you know I'm hairy, low-voiced, pec-tacular and tres-butch)(the "tres" kind of negates the "butch", doesn't it?) and still have some feminine characteristics. Saying that you are "straight-acting" just sucks. It's offensive. Finally, to the dude that has posted a picture of himself all lubed up in boxer briefs, sucking his gut in, standing in front of his PT Cruiser, how's that working out for ya?

Can you handle a little more gay today? Boy, I need to stop talking about it all the damn time and get some or I'm heading toward being my own version of the 40 y.o. virgin. Isn't there like a statute (not statue, mofos)(you know who you are) of limitations on that shit? I think it's something like two years without sex and you're considered newly minted (6 months if you're gay). Anyway, I'm so flippin' horny and aggressive now that I have resorted to shamelessly flirting with straight dudes, practically daring them to bash me. Well, not really. I pick small ones who pose a minimal physical threat to me. I'm in the sporting goods store yesterday and start in on this adorable little married dude in the running gear section. Unsurprisingly, he plays along. Seriously, they do more often than you'd think. Flattering for them maybe. I had to bail out first, though, because brotha started playing dirty. He started shopping for an Under Armour jock! Hurt me, pretty boy.